Every Thursday from now until the Oscars, I will be checking in with TVMWW's Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, to chat about movies. Their credentials are as follows: Feddd translates close-captioning on DVDs for a major movie production company. Sara Circs went to high school with Jason Segal. Onto this week's topic... the year's Best Foreign Language films!
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me: Hi guys, I'm guessing you didn't see any of the Foreign Language films nominated for an Osc this year? Feddd: Obviously no Sara: Made a point of seeing each one six saturday evenings in a row, slept through every single one. me: That honestly sounds like six fantastic Saturdays. Sara: I don't even know how many films are nominated. Are there six? me: There are six, yes. Sara: Total guess, I just owned the universe, peace out guys. Feddd: Bye Circs me: Okay, so let's take a look at them one by one and determine whether or not they suck as much as we’d think they suck. Sara: Cool Feddd: I think they're all great me: Movie #1 from Belgium The Land of a Thousands Belgs That's not the name of the movie Feddd: Ah, by Ponce De Leon me: Hold on, lemme get the link to the movie poster Feddd: Prob could've had that cued up, you are home on a snow day sucking your own balls Sara: One of my French teachers had a joke about people from Belgium me: oh god French teachers are known for their fantastic senses of humours. let's hear it Sara: Why do Belgians have windshield wipers on the inside of their windshields? me: Because they suck their own balls (Evster's note: Like a full minute went by here without anyone typing.) Sara: I guess you're all waiting for me to give you the punchline Feddd: YES PLEASE Sara: Because they drive like this (mime holding steering wheel, blowing constant raspberries) it works better in person? Feddd: A VISUAL AND AUDIO JOKE??? Sara: This is what constitutes humor in France Yes Yes me: in a gchat setting Sara: LOLLLLLLLL Feddd: OF ALL THE JOKES me: Behold, The Broken Circle Breakdown
Sara: K, so this movie is obvs incredible for a thousand reasons Feddd: Fuck, this movie looks hot as fuck me: I KNOW Feddd: A film by Felix Von Grogenstein Sara: 1. Felix van Groeningen gotta be the bearded guy, right? me: Felix prolly fucks so many chicks Feddd: HAS TO BE That dude is so into that kiss Sara: "a great way to fuck hot chicks is to make movies where they have to fuck you in it" Feddd: I honestly want to lay across the hood of a truck so bad Sara: but i digress yeah 2. laying across hood of car me: you can tell that's a fake beard though Feddd: no way dude Sara: 3. chick has an amazing hairstyle and so many tats me: omg Circs that's not even a real chick Sara: 4. they love america (bathing suit pattern) me: So are we all in agreeance that this movie should win? Sara: yes Feddd: Yeah me: K, next movie. Sara: Five. THE NAME OF THE MOVIE HAS CIRCLE IN IT okay moving on Feddd: Very good points me: The Great Beauty (from Italy) aka La Granda Belleza
Feddd: I heard this movie is amazing Sara: omg i haaaaaated this one Feddd: You saw it?? Sara: guy's shoes are incredible though no me: Another person laying across something that dude is huge btw and STONE FACED sorry Sara: can we move on to the next movie me: ROCK HARD NIPS THO Feddd: WHY DO YOU HATE IT? me: you know what, Circs. CALM DOWN Dude's got an amazing yellow coat Sara: "Moves to the insistent beat of life?" Sounds so annoying. me: DON'T READ THE SYNOPS JUDGE IT BY ITS POSTER OMG THIS IS AMERICA Sara: THAT IS ON THE POSTER so many italians so pretentious like, we can't all speak italian, please shut up me: First of all, when you're in an art museum, how amazing is it to find an empty bench? THIS GUY FOUND ONE AND NOW HE’S SITTING DOWN LIVING THE AMERICAN DREAM Sara: Great point me: also those STONE COLD ROCK HARD NIPS This one is still in the running for me next movie Sara: okay, so it seems like we all agree this movie should win? Feddd: omg we have 4 movies left Sara: yeah let's do the next one me: From Denmark the home of Feddd's butt Sara: OMG WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG Feddd: FUCKING LOAD IT UP me: The Hunt aka Jagten
Feddd: I have also heard this movie is amazing Sara: you know what feds? enough of this. me: Mads Mikkelson Sara: just enough. Feddd: Fucking Mad Dog Mikkelsen creepin people out since '84 me: Honestly Mad Dog has an amazing jaw line Sara: you talk to a lot of people who see foreign films? fine. why don't you just make one. go make a fucking foreign film and leave us alone. me: Geez Louize, Circs so angry today Sara: Mads is a cool name though yeah i'm sorry me: TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH, CIRCIES DEEP BREATHS Feddd: LOOK this one is on Netflix and there are like 3 movies on Netflix that don't succckkkk Sara: Okay sorry. me: NEXT MOVIE Sara: I like "The Lie Is Spreading," that intrigues me me: Just so you know, the next one is from CAMBODIA Sara: sweet me: The Missing Picture
Sara: Hey Feddd, I'm sorry i yelled at you, I was jealous. Feddd: Cool, are you scanning the poster into your computer now Sara: LOL
Sara: Love this one Love it Love clay me: I honestly thought people from Cambodia were black Sara: Love 'mation No you did not me: Is this movie actually in 'mation Feddd: I'm a BIT of a 'mation head myself me: I have no idea where Cambodia is Sara: No idea me: THA KILLING FIELDS CAN SUCK MY BUTT Sara: No idea if it's 'mation or what but I like it Feddd: This one is very charming but obviously does not compare to a tatted-up chick laying across a truck Sara: Disagree, this one is my winner I think it's the sequel to that Fiona Apple Chipotle commercial me: The guy who made it, Rithy Pahn, also made another movie you may or may not have heard of ...
Sara: LOL, you totally got me with that one Feddd: Is Bill Cosby the most famous Cambodian actor y or n? Sara: honestly did not see it coming Feddd: I saw it coming a mile away, baby! Sara: I did not me: FUCK YOU FEDDD NEXT MOVIE Sara: seriously F you Feddd: I still laughed you guys can SUCK YOUR OWN BALLS TO DEATH me: This is our last movie, I lied, there are actually only 5 movies Sara: Ugh, killing myself now for being wrong, but celebrating for only having one left me: But I was gonna sneak in this one as a joke
me: I did not make that pic for the record Last one is from that lovely nation of Palestine So you know it's gotta be a rom com Sara: They have time to make movies? Feddd: **ev orders movie poster from Amazon Prime** Sara: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL me: rude, Feddd Omar, un film de Hany Abu-Assad
Sara: ugh great, a guy jumps over a fence, rips his jeans me: How good does the Great Buttsby look tho Feddd: "They said Omar couldn't fuck a fence" Sara: HA I've seen this story a million times before boy meets fence fill in the rest ugh i hate myself right now Feddd: lollllllz me: Okay guys, who should win? 1. Chick on car Sara: CAMBODIA Feddd: My list: 1. Chick on car Sara: Clay always wins me: 2. Stone Guy and Other Guy Sara: So classy me: wait i was listing them shut up recapping oh, who cares I say the chick on the car obviously Sara: yeah we just went through them Feddd: Should we check out the posters again? Sara: Cambodian Chipotle Clay Evan can you send us framed copies snail mail OH MY GOD STOP TYPING AND JUST SAY SOMETHING me: Can you imagine how much it would cost to send 6 framed movie posters to California? To two different people? First, just getting the posters framed Feddd: So 12 framed posters me: That's like a hundo each Sara: I mean if you ordered through amazon prime Feddd: Yo, framing is so expensive me: THANK YOU Sara: jesus christ, get me outta here me: SEE YA GUYS Sara: love you Feddd: Bye guys Sara: bye Sara has left. Feddd: I feel like I should’ve said I love you back.
The Oscars are in two weeks! No idea why I put an exclamation point there, it's honestly not that exciting. This ostrich who looks exactly like my Aunt Lily though? Very exciting.
1. I start a blog 2. People type stuff into Google that leads them to my blog 3. Google Analytics allows me to see what people have searched for 4. This post writes itself
So let's check out last week's top Google searches that led people to TV My Wife Watches DOT COM.
Also, baklava.
Had to be my wife.
What if a man actually ate his wife as she watched TV? Not ate her out, but actually ate her. Like for dinner. That'd be da lead story on Good Morning America, amirite Zoo With Roy?
And now for my absolute favorite #GoogSearch of ALL TIME ...
TVMWW's pageviews have been down lately, which has led me to take a step back and think about just what the hell I'm doing here. I figure at this point, I've got three options: I could A) slit my wrists and end this charade once and for all, B) blow up a goddamn bridge and take you all with me, or C) KEEP PUMPIN OUT RICH, TANGY CONTENT.
Obviously I'm choosing C!
I ain't goin anywhere, folks!
Listen people, we were #blessed to have a very generous sponsor endorse this blog for this insanely unpopular weekly feature. We can't let A1® down. They make the richest and tangiest steak sauce known to man, so @Turbo_Timmy and I are going to keep dishing out awards EVERY SINGLE WEEK even if you're the only person clicking on my posts. I don't know why I'm complaining about this to you when you're already reading this. You clicked. You're here. AND I THANK YOU. It's the other bozos who aren't doing their part to support the blog. OMG, do they not understand that Downton Abbey is a GODDAMN ROLLERCOASTER?!? Whatever, I am still committed to churning out RICH, TANGY content as much as a I can. Ugh, enough whining, let's get on with this week's award!
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Evster: Hi Turbs, I didn't see last night's ep. I watched the NBA All Star Game instead. Did you watch?
Turbo: Yes, I watched. You know that. You just sent me an email on the side telling me to do a recap of the show without giving away any spoilers to you. How exactly does that work, Evan? How am I supposed to tell the readers about all of the crazy stuff that happened last night without spoiling it for you? This is ridiculous, but here goes:
The two old chicks are great again, there's a new plan for Edith's baby, Lady Cora is still so bad at acting, Phyllis does some more sewing, ummmm what else... the dog is back, someone dies, someone gets proposed to and ugh so much more you have to watch.
So with all that happened this week, The Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce has got to go to Mr. Molesely, for reasons that I can't say because there I was told "no spoilers". Thanks.
Evster: OMG THE DOG IS BACK? WHY WOULD YOU SPOIL THAT, TURBS?! Would it really have been that hard to leave that part out of this recap?! Ughghghghhghhhhh. This week's Primetime Performer obviously goes to my wife for letting me watch basketball.
OMG!
Clearly I'm not putting a picture of my wife on my blog, but how about this lady?! VA-DOING-A!
Stole this pic from Zoo With Roy who stole it from People.com
"Honesty is the most important thing."
- Juan Pabs, or Nikki, or someone else I honestly don't remember
and it doesn't even come close to mattering
I don't know why people think honesty is so goddamn important. I'm 36 years old and have lied to pretty much everyone I've ever known and yet I seem to be doing just fine in this world. I'm married (to a woman). I have plenty of friends. I even have a dry cleaner who gets VERY excited when I show up at his door. (Granted, he charges me like $5 a shirt and I'm not even sure if he cleans anything, but he's got an amazing snaggle tooth and he laughs at my jokes, so we cool, we cool.) Does it matter that my entire life has been embellished?
For example, what if I told you that I have three testicles? Could be true, right? Based on the persona I've created on this website, it almost has to be true. That little piece of informashe, true or not, makes this blog SO much more interesting to read. I mean, what are you gonna do? Read some dude's blog who only has two testicles? Or see what the guy with three (or more!) has to say? It's a no-brainer. Now whether or not I actually have three testicles, or four, or nine (I could have nine!) doesn't matter, it's just more fun to think that your favorite television blogger has more than the normal allotted amount of testicles.
The fact that I don't actually have three testicles (or do I?!) isn't hurting anybody. It's just a little white lie to boost my brand. Even to the only person it would matter to (my wiiiiiiiife), it still doesn't really matter.
OMG WHAT'S YOUR POINT, EV?
No idea. Not a clue. But considering we live in a world where honesty is soooooooooooooooo important, I might as well give the people what they want. So here is the most real, most raw, most honest Bachelor recap I could write. All feelings going forward are 100% true. I'm 'bout to hit you with some #realtalk. So fasten your seatbelts, folks. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. And stop reading this in the car omg you're gonna crash!
- I have been defending Juan Pabs all season long -- his serial kissing, his ability to not ever have an actual conversation, his pepperoni nips -- but I simply CANNOT keep doing so because dude wears an anklet. How can you respect a grown man who wears an anklet? Even his cousin, WHO HAS BRACES, wears a better accessory than an anklet. I'm sorry Juan Pabs, I love you, but you need a phone check, homie!
- Ohhhhhhh Sharleen, so high and mighty, because she's so intellectual and interesting and dark and has the smoothest back in the history of backs, but the fact remains that there has never been a contestant on this show who tongued more often than Shar-Shar. Not Vienna. Not Jason Mesnick. No Tonguey McReynolds. (You don't remember her. She was from season 2. Don't bother looking it up. I'm a Bachelor expert.) Frankly though, I was very proud of Sharleen for doing so much tongueing. I got legitimately aroused every time I watched her tongue.
- "Aroused" is one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable words you can use in a blog post. That's just a fact, a medical fact. It somehow carries a whole different weight than saying "horny" or "hard as a muhg" or "wetter than the Pacific Oashe." Even I was uncomfortable reading the last line of the last paragraph. I'm sorry.
- I'm obviously not sorry, but whatever. Just trying to be honest here.
- Whenever Juan Pabs is tongueing chicks, I spend roughly 80% of the time looking at my TV screen to see if he has a boner. I don't know why I do this, but every time he plants one on somebody, my eyes go straight for his pants. Also, when I watch professional football, I often check out dudes' fronts as they walk back to the huddle. Some dudes have huge fronts. There are even times in the office when I will walk up to a lady at her cubicle after making sure that my own dork is pressed firmly against my fronts. I am not proud of this.
- Sometimes when checking to see if Juan Pabs has a boner, I will actually WALK UP TO THE TV to get a closer look. Occasionally I'll even change my vantage point to see if I can spot his dork at a different angle. This drives my wife absolutely bananas, but she also totally understands, and that's why I love her.
- On Monday, as Sharleen was leaving the show, her shorts were absolutely jammed inside of her ass crack. I must've rewound and watched that scene around 14 different times. I also took a photo of it.
That carpet tho.
- To be honest, I took six photos of her butt. I kept trying to get the perfect butt shot. Here are the five other photos of Sharleen's butt.
close-up butt
butt with leg
action butt
possibly the same butt as the previous butt
high-waisted butt
- I also got really excited to see the rose/cheese board again. It was the first time Harrison busted it out since they were at the Bachelor mansion. Maybe it's an America-only thing? I took a pic of the rose board, too.
You gotta admit, that's a nice fucking rose board.
- Any time any human being ever says something is "their heart," that is a super duper red flag that they are a psychopath. On Monday night while sitting on the beach with Juan Pabs, Andi said in regards to him meeting her family on a hometown date, "That's me. That's my heart. That's my everything." OMG SHUTTTT UPPPPPPPPPP. My family's fine, they're funny, they're annoying, whatever, but they're not my everything. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is my everything. I thought it would've been perfect if while Andi was spewing that nonsense for a crab to come up and just clamp her on her nose. That woulda been amazing. The little crab dangling off her face. Juan Pabs staring off at the sunset. Blood everywhere.
- The fact that Clare (who is 32!) has five older sisters who are ALL married takes her cuckoo-meter to a whole 'nother lev. The DVD from her dead father is one thing -- and OMG we BETTER get to see that vid before this season ends -- but she could be the craziest trick to ever appear on this stupid, ridiculous game show. Also, how has every Bach post I've written this year not been solely about the fact that she's a hair dresser?!?!
- Nikki's roots are goddamn embarrassment.
- If you're Juan Pabs, how do you take NIKKI to your daughter's dance recital when you know that your baby's momma is gonna be there? I wasn't surprised from an uncomfortable standpoint, who gives a shit about that, it's just that if I were bringing my new girlfriend to meet my SUPER HOT baby momma, I woulda brought the hottest possible chick I could find. It was honestly weird that he didn't bring Andi (or a Caribbean prostitute). It's also incredible that Andi's last name is Dorfman. HOW CAN HE EVER GET OVER THAT?
- Juan Pabs said at one point that "You cannot be sorry for something you feel." Well, I disagree. The other day I walked past a group of four teenage black dudes and I was CONVINCED that they were going to blast me right in the throat. I recognize that that makes me a horrible person, but that's how I felt. And I'm SORRY. But I honestly thought, for that split second of time, that they were gonna knock me the fuck out and take my lunch bag with my peanut butter jelly sandwich in it. And that would've made me SAD.
- I SAID I WAS SORRY.
- Jessica Simpson, now featured in a new Weight Watchers commersh, is officially the 4th hottest chick on the planet behind Mariah Carey, my wife, and every Trinidadian woman I've ever met.
- I've only met one Trinidadian woman in real life and she was my cleaning lady growing up, Joyce, and she was a very nice lady who could fold the shit outta some laundry.
I sure did paste a lot of vids today, eh? Here's one more, a Vine vid of an incredible basketball move that you've probably already seen, but it's amazing. So check it out. Or don't. I honestly don't give a shit at this point. Just retweet some of my goddamn tweets for once. That's all I want. Would it kill you to do that from time to time? WOULD IT FUCKING KILL YOU? PHONE CHECK!
Every Thursday from now until the Oscars, I will be checking in with TVMWW's Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, to chat about movies. Their credentials are as follows: Sara has spent her entire life amongst Hollywood's elite: her husband played youth soccer with Jake Gylls and her dad was Anna Nicole Smith's attorney at the Supreme Court! Feddd eats a lot of fish tacos. Onto this week's topic... Oscar fashion!
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me: All right guys, people get really friggin' excited about Oscar fashion. My wife goes absolutely bonks and starts tuning in to the red carpet show like 3 hours before tip-off and yells at me when I don't have the right channel on. It's on like three different channels and I never know which one I'm supposed to be on. So today we're gonna take a look back at some of the shittiest outfits ever and talk about them. Sound good?
Sara: Yes
Feddd: Yes
me: Thanks for sounding so excited, guys. God I hate both of you. All right, first person ... from 1998 ... I honestly have no idea what year this was from.
me: Kate Huds! Sara: i wanna smack that smug smile off her smarmy face i have issues with kate huds
Feddd: My first instinct was: I am onboard with this
me: I actually think her smile looks nice
Feddd: Me too but I am on Circs' side always
Sara: no, the dress is ridiculous though her ass looks great me: Wait, before we talk about this, can we just acknowledge that the dude behind her is quite possibly the oldest person to ever exist Also, you can't even see her ass, Circs!
Sara: you kind of can, her shape looks great
me: I mean, you can see a little of it
Feddd: I just spent a full actual minute trying to see her ass
Sara: and her smile is actually fine, but i just don't like her
me: I honestly think she looks fantastic like, the more you stare at her, the more she grows on you
Sara: saw her on an episode of Rachel Zoe and just really cannot stand her
Feddd: Who in the fuck is Rachel Zoe?
me: I've got my little chat screen next to the image and at this point I'm smitten Rachel Zoe is a golfer, feddd
Sara: You've never seen The Rachel Zoe Project?
me: a professional golfer She takes people, like celebrities, and helps them with their golf swings
Sara: She's a stylist to the stars, Feddd
Feddd: Why would you tell the golfer lie? What is in it for you?
me: Like Ray Romano, and Charles Barks
Sara: I think it was on Bravo
me: Let's move onto to the next person
Sara: I can tell you what's in it for me: an opportunity to ignore Evan Feddd: Fine but I'm leaving this pic up Just downloaded software that lets you rotate pics so I can see that butt
me: A little before and after actsh ... Anna Paqs!
Sara: awwww!!!
Feddd: LOL
me: what is awwwww?
Sara: she used to look like a little European person
me: what is possibly awwwwww?
Sara: it's cute! she was a little girl!
me: omg, i get it, i get that she was a little girl, but she looks weird as a muhgggggg that is not like macauley culks cute or drew barrymore cute also that oscar is HUGE
Feddd: This column was billed as "Some of the shittiest outfits" ever and you chose a little goddamn fresh-faced girl
Sara: i think paqs is just tiny there i know, seriously what's wrong with you
me: C'MON, THAT HAT IS STUPES
Sara: like, it's a kind of weird outfit, but she's a little girl, she can do weird stuff
Feddd: The hat is horrible
me: thank you feddd!
Feddd: jk I like it
Sara: HAHAHA
me: oh you're just showing off for your internet friends!
Sara: i actually think the hat is cute
me: no one could like that hat omg! NEXT PICTURE
Feddd: How does it feel to be busted that hard?
me: this is a classic and it's actually a very nice outfit
Sara: let's just come to terms with the fact that anna paqs was a terrible choice
me: but it must be discussed circs, please stop interrupting my intro
Sara: please write it faster
Feddd: The next pic: Eleanor Roosevelt's funeral gown
me: lolzlzlzlzlzlzzz Angie Jangie!
Sara: oh
me: HAS TO BE DISCUSSED can't have an oscar fashion chat on a blog that's supposed to be about television my wife watches without it
Feddd: She looks fantastic
me: so milky
Sara: she does
me: that look she's giving! Circs, you were a maths major, what kinda angle is her arm at there?
Sara: are you really asking me this?
me: acute? i'd say that's like a 37-degree'er how many degrees do ya think
Feddd: It's a very cute! lol
Sara: no, it's like 80 degrees
me: take a guess
Sara: eighty five
me: 85?!??! what?! oh, wait right you're right yeah, that's not even close to 37 who cares
Sara: what a surprise
me: how bout those dickheads behind her AND STOP BEING SO RUDE, CIRCS YOU TOO FEDDD WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE
Sara: they are making so much fun of her
Feddd: I closed the pic already b/c I'm at work and I'm embarrassed
me: ugh next picture
Feddd: It was so milky
me: one of my personal faves coming up a blast from the past
Feddd: I just googled "37 degree angle”
me: boom baby!
me: I think we've got an obtuse'r here, Circs! maybe 105?
Feddd: That one did not open on the work computer
Sara: weird choice for oscars but at least it's bold
Feddd: What kind of deep internet bullshit was that?
Sara: i'm sorry but can't we do this one:
me: Saggy Tits Mcgee! how bout Henry Headset behind her
Feddd: I am surrounded by coworkers I can't be looking at saggy tits Oh God I wanna look
Sara: it's just gwyneth paltrow she's not topless
me: WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT WORK ENVIRONMENT DO YOU WORK IN FEDDD it's not JUST gwyneth paltrow it's gwyneth paltrow with saggy ass tits in front on a dude wearing a headset
Sara: alright, your whole immediate focus on people behind people wearing headsets was cute at first, NOW IT'S JUST RIDICULOUS
Feddd: Do you know that Ev was once called into his employer's office because he had filled up SIGNIFICANT server space with porn? Not his current employer
Sara: no
me: that's actually true
Sara: is that true?
me: here's what happened
Feddd: It is true
Sara: LOLOLOLOLLLLLLLL
me: i didn't know how computers really worked
Sara: HAHAHAHAHHAHAA "i didn't know how computers really worked" is how that story absolutely HAS to start
me: and i SWORE that my boss had said once before that if you have porn on your computer, just save it to a folder or something lolz this is so stupid but he must've said trash it i dunno so i had all this porn saved in one folder
Sara: and why would you make sure you had it right? it's just porn
me: and was taking up like all of the company's RAM
Sara: this is so fucking amazing
me: it was a very ridiculous work environment and my boss laughed when he brought me in and it was no big deal but i seriously clogged the network for a little while
Sara: when was this, were you using AOL
Feddd: What was the folder called? Do you remember?
me: I think i had 'em saved in my work email. I dunno. Anyway, i've got two more pics
Sara: okay do it amazing story
me: this is the longest chat ever
me:i wanna do coke off her stomach so bad
Sara: i feel like cher knew she was going out on a limb i feel like cher decided "this year, i'm going to do something different" "really show 'em"
me: she was way into diffrent strokes
Sara: wow. wow.
Feddd: She honestly looks incredible
me: i totally agree LAST PICTURE i actually love both cher's outfit and this next one I mean, it's a classic **goes down in basement, develops film***
Sara: bjorkie! something really adorable about bjork
me: Feddd completely MIA for this last portion of the chat
Sara: see, the thing is
Feddd: Sorry, I opened that Cher pic as my boss asked me a question and fainted
Sara: these outfits are INTENTIONALLY ridiculous hahahhahahaha
me: I love the dress
Feddd: I was looking at Cher's flat toned stomach and hearing my boss's voice
Sara: like, what can i say about bjork's swan outfit?
me: i mean, why not be ridiculous the oscars are stupes
Sara: i know, i'm not complaining about that i'm saying what is there to say about it?
me: i could say a lot about it
Sara: like, it'd be easier to talk about an attempt to be fashionable that failed or didn't fail
me: if you guys weren't here, i could fill this entire blogpost with stuff about it
Sara: WELL DON'T LET US GET IN YOUR WAY
me: honestly i think that lady in the way back has half an arm
Feddd: I honestly have not been able to collect my thoughts since that Cher pic
Sara: i actually know what i can talk about here what's happening with her legs why are they lumpy?
me: stop it circs!
Sara: WHY?
me: criticize the outfit, not the lady!
Sara: no no i'm not i'm saying it's the stockings
me: you don't see me complaining about one armed willy back there
Sara: like, they're loose, falling, lumpy it's not hard to find stockings that fit
me: ain't that the truth!
Feddd:"Don't criticize the person! Now here is a pic of a sweet young child -- what an idiot!"
Sara: YEAH
me: okay guys, we gotta wrap this up any final thoughts?
Feddd: no
me: great!
Sara: yeah i was not criticizing anyone's body, i want to be clear, and i love everyone except kate huds!
Y'all thought it was safe? A1® hits you in the face!
SPOILER ALERT: There are so many spoilers in this post. Like, so many. There's honestly like 18 spoilers.
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Me, last night, at approximately 8:53pm EST: "If I never saw another episode of this show, I'd be fine with it." Me, after ANOTHER GODDAMN ROLLER COASTER RIDE: "I'm back on board, baby!"
So here we go, folks, the season-ending awarding of the Downton Abbey Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Snauce!
Evster: Forget about Eve, Lady Mary proved this season that she's the real First Lady of Ruff Ryders.
After losing her mans to the streets, Lady Mary kept it 100 all year long. From the first ep, LM was chasin' dat paper, bringing those pigs to Yorkshire and making sure Downton's finances was in check. She got grimey as a muhg too, shakin' her la-la around and teasing not one but two dudes, both of whom was tryna put they seed in her. And the whole time, she stayed true to da game, never snitchin on her top soldier, Mr. Bates aka The Yorkshire Assassin aka Louisiana Slim aka Peg Leg Betty. Big ups also to Sammy Davis Sr. and Mr. Molesly for tryna fuck a couple of white bitchez, and to Lady Edith for steady gettin' that d. But Lady Mary was the #1 stunna, stirring up da pot and runnin' her game, all while wearing some beautiful eggplant-colored dresses that went just lovely with her skin tone. Congrats Lady M, you're TVMWW's Primetime Performer of da year!
Turbo: You spell Mr. Molesley's name wrong EVERY WEEK, you dufus. But nice choice with Mary as the Performer Of The Year. Def deserves it. She really hit rock bottom and rebounded rather nicely. There is an E after the second L. She lost her husband and her sister but that didn't stop her from getting right back on the horse and moving on with her life. Two Es. When in doubt just throw another E in there. Well done Mary!
With that being said, I'd like to spread a lil sauce around to a couple of other folks who also had some fine performances this season.
Mr. Bates found out his wife got raped and you know what he did? He murdered the bloke. The Granthams found themselves in the middle of a massive scandal that could have brought down the Prince of Wales and THE ENTIRE ROYAL FAMILY. So to whom did the Grantham's turn? You guess it, Batesy. Mr. MoleslEy had an up and down season but I'd like to give him a little dap for swallowing his pride and taking on many roles beneath him at the Abbey. Molesley also started mackin on the new woman, Phyllis (who is kind of hot? I mean she's not bad for an older lady who likes to sew, right?), and also taught her not to fall prey to the manipulative Barrow. Also I happen to think Rose is (from 1-10) a certified 20 so I'll just throw her in there, too.
So there you go. The sauce goes to Mary and well deserved, I say. This has been a lot of fun this season, Evan, and I'd like to thank you for inviting me to do this recap with you every week. I'd also like to thank our generous sponsor, A1®, for providing us with an endless amount of support throughout. You truly were great to us. We promise we'll get more page views and comments and shares and all that stuff next season so please don't drop us we need this give us another chance we can make you guys serious money just need to build this up some more which is def going to happen ok thanks again we love your sauce!!
Until next season, ta ta!
Evster: Also special shout out to Alfred and Daisy who are just the ADORBSEST and I totes wanna see them togetherrrrrrrr!!!
Congrattuutalalstiittotnionssss, Lady Mary!!!
RUFF RUFF RUFF!!!
Seriously, big ups to our very generous sponsor, A1® Steak Snauce, for helping us out this entire seez. This extremely unpopular weekly segment would not have been possible without their support. Also, shout out Turbo Underscore Timmy for lending his expertise to this heaping pile of wet internet garbage every week. And if y'all still ain't following Turbs on Twitter, y'all need to CHECK YO SELVES.
Zing zang fling flang, I'm slammed at work today so here's a zippety-do quick-aroo fling-floo Bach post breaking down last night's hometown dates:
DATELINE: KANSAS CITY, MIZZOU Can you imagine going 32 years on this earth without ever tasting BBQ? Good God, Juan Pabs, I would've sent Nikki home and gotten some one-on-one time with dem ribs. Also how 'bout that mechanical bull playing hard to get? Shaking his ass in the air like he think he know me. You don't know me, mechanical bull! You don't know me!
DATELINE: HOTLANTA, GEORGIA I coulda sworn Ernie Johnson and Kim Zolciak were the only white people from Atlanta. Still, kinda sexy when Andi was firing that assault rifle like a real non-Jewish person. In fact, while Juan Pabs was kissing her at the gun range, I wanted her to take that pistol and slowwwwwwwlllyyyyyyyy drag it across his lips, and then gennnnttttttllllllyyyyyy slide it down his throat until he could feel the cold steel against his tonsils. That woulda been HAWT. Prolly woulda seen some #precum too!
DATELINE: SARASOTES, FLORIDA Renee's mom was so old the two of them coulda been sisters! Also, how bout the horror on Renee's face when she learned that her son got into MAKING BRACELETS while she was gone? Nope! Sorry Grandma, you are #BANNED from looking after my grandkids. Also, Renee's little shortie short shorts were WAY too short for a #MOM. No wonder she got sent home. Lotta hashtagging today!
#BunReport!
DATELINE: SACTOWN, CALIFORNIA From the very start, it was obvious that Clare's house was a goddamn slut cavern. At first, when she introduced her brother-in-law, I thought she said dude's name was Ernie. So I started freaking out, asking my wife and our friend Leigh if in fact that's what I heard. "His name is Ernie? HIS NAME IS ERNIE?!" They kept shushing me and saying no, his name was something like Montrie, which amazingly is not nearly as weird as calling someone Ernie. Seconds later, Clare introduced her sister Madeleine, but I coulda sworn she said Malvin, so I started freaking out again. "Malvin? MALLLLLVINNNNNN?" But my wife and Leigh corrected me once again and told me that if I didn't stop mouth-breathing I'd have to watch from the other room.
Of course, the evening's most bonkers mome happened when Clare's sister refused to leave Mama's side, a segment that my wife claimed was the "weirdest thing I've ever seen on this show." Frankly, I disagree, I think the weirdest thing ever was in the previous segment when that kid admitted to making bracelets.
So the question remains? What the fuck was wrong with that lady and why was she so protective of her drugged-out Mama? I came up with a few theories: 1) Mama was heavily medicated and Big Sis didn't want her to make a fool of herself on national television. 2) Mama collected some sort of life insurance settlement after her husband died, and Big Sis was scared that she'd give it all away to Clare so she could go and do something romantic, like rent out Arco Arena and show Juan Pabs the DVD of her stupid dead father on the Jumbotron. 3) omg who gives a shit?
Major takeaway so far this seez: If we don't get to see that goddamn lady's dead father's DVD, then life is full of shit. ABC better give us that one little bit of satisfaction. I am so ready to see that thing. I have never been more ready for anything in my entire life. I feel like the past five years of watching this show were just a warm-up preparing me for this stupid moment. Yeah, I know, it's just gonna be some dead guy talking about his dumb daughter, but goddamn I wanna see it. I wanna see it so bad. It's like when my wife pulls down her pants and shows me her butt. Don't just show me your butt, show me your entire asshole. We're both adults here. Let's act like it.
Normally I like to embed music videos at the end of these posts that have something to do with the theme, but I frankly have no idea what these lyrics are talking about, I just think it's a dope song. It's about a strained relationship or something, so I guess it does makes sense, but honestly who gives a shit. I'm pretty much ready to not ever give a shit about anything ever again. Here's a picture of a Brazilian butt. Also, coming later this week is a really dope movie post I've been working on for a little while that's gonna blow your butt off your face. Good luck, everybody.
Do I want waffles for breakfast? Or do I want pancakes?
Here's essentially how I heard last night's conversation:
Andi: Hey Juan Pabbers.
Juan Pabs: Hi Andi. How you?
Andi: Oh, you know, been better.
Juan Pabs takes Andi's hand and softly brushes away her rogue eyebrow hairs. Then he lays her back and starts massaging her cheeks, before giving her a full Murad® Healthy Skin facial with exfoliating lotion and cucumbers and anything else that one might use to promote wellness.
Andi: Look, we had a really nice time togeths -- the traveling, the one-pieces, playing soccer with those dirty, disgusting natives -- but I'm just not feelin' it. So I think it's best if we go our separate ways.
Juan Pabs: Oh. Okay. That too bad. But I understand.
Andi: Yeah, it's just you said some things in the Fantasy Suite that rubbed me the wrong way, soooo...
Juan Pabs: Okay, well, I liked you, but I understand. I walk you to the limo now.
Andi: Ugh, how do I put this? I don't see a future with us.
Juan Pabs: Hey, what can ya do? I understands.
Andi: I just don't like you and feel as if you don't care about anything I say.
Juan Pabs: So is your luggage back in your rooooom, orrrrr...?
Andi: Like, take last night for instance...
Juan Pabs: Do you need help carrying anything? 'Cuz if we hurry, you can make the 2:45 nonstop to Atlanta easy. Ee cee.
Andi: Like, do you not understand? I'm dumping you on national television.
Juan Pabs: It actually looks a little foggy today, so probably best to get you on a flight right away.
Andi: DID YOU SEE MY PRETTY LITTLE SHORTS? Let me tell you all the things that I hate about you.
Juan Pabs: Look Andi, I'd love to sit here and try to work on a relationship that you just ended, but I've got two smoking hot chicks back at the hotel who are fingerblasting themselves right now thinking about me. So I'm gonna go.
Andi: I'M JEWISHHHHHHHHHH!
Juan Pabs: Funny little story by the way: the other night, Clare promised to rip my dork off of my body and slap Chris Harrison in the face with it. Like actually dismember me!
Andi: I missed weddings for this! WEDDINGS!
Juan Pabs: I went to a wedding once. Biiiiiiiggggg wedding. Tall.
Andi: OMBRE HAIRSTYLE.
Juan Pabs: I eat lots of bread and butt hair that day.
Andi: No you didn't.
Juan Pabs: How you say? Bread and butt hair?
Andi: Yeah. Bread and butter.
Juan Pabs: Yes, bread and butt hair.
Andi: Yes, bread and butt hair.
Juan Pabs: Yes, bread and butt hair.
Andi: I'm not doing this anymore.
Juan Pabs: I like Andi.
How amazing is it when the butter has little salt crystals on it?
Some other shit that may or may not be worth talking about:
-- Nikki's titties were straight GUGENHEIMIN last night! Mamma mia!
-- Did Juan Pabs always have all those muscles? I don't remember him being that strong. Dude looks like he's been eatin some Bigg Mixx.
-- It really bothers me when contestants really think about and debate the idea of going to the Fantasy Suite. Both Andi and Clare last night were like, "Welllllllllll, blah blah blah blibby blah, and blibbity blibbity blah blah," whereas Nikki was just like, "YUP! Let's do this." I mean, it has never been a debate. Just own up to it and have sex. Also, I liked how Nikki told Juan Pabs straight up that she loved him. Not some bullshit like Clare saying, "I'm loving falling in love with you," omg shut up. Nikki's growing on me, folks! THOSE TITTIES.
-- When Juan Pabs and Andi asked that little kid what his name was, I coulda sworn he said "Grrvvenmen". But then we rewound it and figured out that his name was actually Gingerbread.
-- It also really bothered me that Andi was freaking out in the limo, saying stuff like, "I'M SO SAD. I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL EVER FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE." Dude, YOU'RE TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD. By my 26th birthday, I had had sex with like three women and 87 different couch cushions. YOU'LL BE FINE LADY. Queen of the One Piece!
-- Speaking of Andi's one piece: do you think she's got a C-section scar? I think she might have a C-ser.
-- Did you notice that Harrison put the roses in a cat bed last night?!?! ME-OWWW!
Could be a giant shell.
-- My wife thought it'd be really funny if during the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison set up a broom lady with hair on it and pretended it was Andi. And she would just stand there and not talk and everyone would be like, "Wow, Andi must be really nervous. She's as stiff as a broom." So here's my attempt to make this happen. LOVE YOU HONEY!
For the record this did NOT come out how I wanted it to.
-- Hit it DJ Buttface!
Yo, check out our Bachcap® on Zoo With Roy today. It's a fun one. Also, expect some dope isht coming at you from TVMWWMMWWM in the next few days. THIS IS CALLED SELF-PROMOSHE, BABY. Hi everybody!
Do I really need to write an intro here? The title says it all. This is the official TV My Wife Watches list ranking the top 69 comedies of all time. For the record, I did not intend for this list to have exactly 69 movies. It just kinda worked out that way. This list is 100% approved by Mr. Froggington.
"You're goddamn right it is."
To clarify, these are not my wife's favorite comedies. They are mine. And considering there was no way that I was going to write recaps for all 69 of them, I asked 12 of my best blogger friends (and real, actual human friends) to each pick one classic comedy, and write a blurb about it.
So check it out, see where your favorite comedy ranks, and suck my butt.
1. Monty Python ik den Holy Grail
This movie is so stupid. It's basically the stupidest movie ever. It starts off with a guy pretending to ride a horse. That's so stupid. And the rest of the movie is just as stupid, but it's also brilliant, and has way more fog than any movie ever. The Holy Grail is without a doubt the most important influence on my comedic life. That's probably insulting to Monty Python now that I think about it. Sorry, Pythons. Now I sort of feel bad for liking your movie so much. Is it too late to change my #1 to Yentl? That movie is hard a.f.
2. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!
blurb written by, Tom Keiser Leslie Nielsen and Matt Stairs: two Canadians who've brought me unmitigated joy from their actions at Dodger Stadium. The entire movie is awesome, but gets even better in its final act. Naked Gunalso benefits from a great supporting cast: O.J.! Priscilla Presley! Reggie Jackson! KHAAAAAAAAAN!! Tom writes about movies for some website that I've never heard of. But I like his shit, and you can read his shit here. I love Kaiser rolls. 3. Bananas
"Furthermore, all children under the age of 16 years old are now... 16 years old."
Set on the last day of camp, in the hot summer of 1981, a group of counselors try to complete their unfinished business before the day ends which consists basically of having sex with each other both straight sex and gay sex and possibly sex with a can of vegetables.
That's my recap which was mostly taken directly from IMDB except for the part about the sex at the end which I added.
On to the "Where are they now?" portion for this star-studded cast aka I am mailing this one in. High five Evster.
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Janine Garafalo (Beth) - Sitting at a hookah bar in the Valley talking about how she used to s Ben Stiller's d before he went all mainstream.
David Hyde Pierce (Henry) - At home wearing a robe with dress socks and loafers while prank calling Kelsey Grammar six times a day.
Michael Showalter (Coop) - Putting together a class action lawsuit against Netflix in regards to why he can't livestream "The State" on his Android phone.
Marguerite Moreau (Katie) - She was in a movie called "Douchebag" in 2010 which is a pretty good resume booster. Not sure of her whereabouts today but it probably involves VH1.
Michael Ian Black (McKinley) - Most recently seen hitting on Saracircs at a CVS in LA. Will likely follow suit of creepy guys with three names and assassinate someone.
Zak Orth (JJ) - I dunno who the fuck this guy is.
Paul Rudd (Andy) - OMG he was in this? I know right lol. Rumor has it he is in pre-production for "This is 40: Part 2 - We're 42 now and hate each other and our kids are total assholes because of our behavior and may be starting to do drugs soon at least the older one she's a real pain in the ass" should be funny I think.
Christopher Meloni (Gene) - Played a bit part in True Blood as the vampire leader but was killed off early at the request of the entire cast for repeatedly screaming "That scene SUCKED!" and then trying to high five people.
Molly Shannon (Gail) - Not really sure what happened to her after the armpits movie but full disclosure she could get it and I don't even know why I felt compelled to share that feel free to agree in the comments.
Ken Marino (Victor) - Pretty sure this guy is dead.
Joe Lo Truglio (Neil) - If there was a gun to my head and someone showed me a picture of him and asked me who it was I would feel confident in answering that he is my cable guy. I read somewhere that he is on Brooklyn Nine-Nine which sounds completely made up.
Amy Poehler (Susie) - Heard she lost a ton of money scooping up Upper Darby real estate with Tiny Fey and now they both panhandle outside of the old Turf Club on 69th street.
Bradley Cooper (Ben) - Probably having sex with a model somewhere in between CrossFit sessions. Probably the most accurate thing I'll write all year. Probably.
Elizabeth Banks (Lindsay) - Fired her agent after she supposedly signed on to direct Pitch Perfect 2 only to later find out it was a contract for Fever Pitch 2 and instead of Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore it stars Mario Cantone and Kirsten Dunst.
Crane Kicker is an internet celebrity who was directly responsible for helping me gain around 100 new followers when I first got in da Twitta game. I consider him one of my closest and dearest friends and I have never once met him in real life.
5. Best in Show
"We both like soup." 6. Caddyshack
by, Barack Obama (statement released earlier this week) Michelle and I were saddened to hear of the passing of Harold Ramis, one of America's greatest satirists, and like so many other comedic geniuses, a proud product of Chicago's Second City. When we watched his movies -- from 'Animal House' and 'Caddyshack' to 'Ghostbusters' and 'Groundhog Day' -- we didn't just laugh until it hurt. We questioned authority. We identified with the outsider. We rooted for the underdog. And through it all, we never lost our faith in happy endings. Our thoughts and prayers are with Harold's wife, Erica, his children and grandchildren, and all those who loved him, who quote his work with abandon, and who hope that he received total consciousness. Barack Obams is the goddamn President of the United States and this was a real statement that he released earlier this week because he is a fucking P.I.M.P. 7. Fletch
by, Danger Guerrero
Remember a few years ago when everybody was all hot and bothered about remaking Fletch? For a while it was gonna be Jason Lee in the title role, with Kevin Smith writing. Then Zach Braff made Garden State between voice-overs on Scrubs, so the buzz was that maybe he could write AND star. Then it was Ryan Reynolds, fresh off, uh, something Ryan Reynolds was in. At some point, and I may have hallucinated this, I think Ashton Kutcher was rumored to be kicking it around. (Feel free to correct me if in wrong. I don't even want to put it into the universe by Googling it.)
This, both in general and in these specific cases, was a terrible idea. We shouldn't remake Fletch. I'm sure we will at some point, but, no, we shouldn't. And I'm not even an anti-remake guy, usually. It's just that this one, like...
Look, I know Chevy Chase's career and reputation have been dragged back and forth through the mud by a large device that he appears to have programmed himself, but I really don't see how anyone can watch Fletch and imagine someone else in the role. It's the ideal melding of character and performer, like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day or Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson. The sarcasm, the quick wit, the cockiness, it all mixed together to become a character Chevy Chase had to play in in 1985. Any other year and actor would feel wrong. (It's also worth noting here that Fletch was kind of an asshole, even as charismatic and lovable as he was. He was basically the best version of real-life Chevy Chase.)
Point being: Fletch is already perfect. Do not remake Fletch*.
*Unless you want to do it with, like, Vin Diesel or something. That, I would watch.
Danger Guerrero is a very nice person and a TV Editor for UPROXX which apparently is a thing. 8. Life of Brian
"Well, yeah, obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they?" 9. Airplane!
"Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up the court for 48 minutes!" 10. Hot Shots!
"Roy? Roy? Eh." 11. Rushmore
by, Feddd Rushmore is the best movie. It is better than other movies because it is, put simply, the best one. Die Hard is also the best. It is as good as Rushmore but in a different way so, overall, it's not as good. Nothing is like Rushmore so it is, in fact, the best. Do the Right Thing is a third movie that is the best. It is still no Rushmore. That is because compared to Rushmore, which is the best, it is not as good. Badlands is another movie that is easily the best. But still, when lined up against Rushmore, one's perspective changes and one is forced to admit, yes, Rushmore is the superior movie because it is, actually, the best of all the movies. Next time you are watching a good movie and you think it might be the best, pause to gather your thoughts and then check to see which movie it is. If it's not Rushmore, you are wrong. Wrong again. First you were wrong about the you person you married and now you're wrong about the dumb movie you're watching being the best. Strike two, idiot. Feddd is my good pal from growing up and TVMWW's official Hollywood Correspondent. He now lives in LA and is sort of a screenwriter although he has never shown me one thing he's ever written. 12. Borat
"My name-a Borat." 13. The Big Lebowski
"I'm staying. I'm finishing my coffee." 14. This is Spinal Tap
Just so we're all aware of this, Rob Reiner, the guy who directed this movie, also made Misery.
15. Office Space
"No. No man. Shit, no, man." 16. Spaceballs
by, Michael Levin Most comedies do not age well. Spaceballs is motherfucking not one of them.
I saw Spaceballs upwards of 75 times before I saw a single one of the Star Wars trilogy. Why? Because my dad is the fucking man. Isn't having the cultural context a prerequisite in parody? Didn't matter -- I got it. Whether it was my intuitive sense of comedy from an early age or just picking up on social cues to laugh when older people laugh, I got it. Moranis playing with dolls? Funny. Ludicrous Speed? Fucking funny. Combing the desert? That line practically set the tone for my whole damn life.
If there's one thing I've learned in THE INDUSTRY (all caps only please), it's that Jews are comedy. Calling the Force the Schwartz is like DOUBLE comedy because not only does it rhyme, but it's JEWISH. Doesn't get better than that.
Oh and if there are two things I've learned in THE INDUSTRY (all caps only for real), it's that 97% of comedy is name puns.
I saw Daphne Zuniga at a restaurant in Beverly Hills one time. Mami look goooooooooooooooooooood still. She got a turkey burger. Michael Levin runs the Sixers blog, Liberty Ballers, and is also a Writers' Assistant on 'How I Met Your Mother', a super popular TV show that no one has ever seen.
17. Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood
"Height... six DEUCE." 18. Napoleon Dynamite
Uncle Rico's football tryout video omg omg omgmggmggmgmgmg.
19. Take the Money and Run
"That looks like gub. That doesn't look like gun." "No that's gun." "No that's gub. See, that's a B." "No, that's an N. G-U-N." "Hmm. George, would you step over here for a moment please?" 20. Vacation
"Good talk, son." 21. Christmas Vacation
"Can't see the line, can ya Russ?" 22. What About Bob?
"Leo, I see salt, I see pepper, is there a salt substitute?" 23. Team America: World Police
No movie in the history of earth has made white people happier to quote lines in the hope of being seen as cool or diverse (translation: acceptable to black people) quite like Friday. Next time you're out with a group of your awful friends casually mention getting fired. I guarantee that within 30 seconds at least three of them will blurt out "How the hell you gonna get fired on your day off?", which will lead to hours of (a) more Friday quotes and (b) stories about watching the VHS high in college a billion times. And you know what? That's okay. Because Friday was an awesome, hilarious movie and it deserves to live on. Oh yeah, speaking of videos Evster let me borrow your VCR right quick. I need to dub a tape. Zoo With Roy is my fucking homeboy who I will ride with all day and another person who I have never met in real life.
26. Coming to America
"When you think of garbage, think of Akeem." 27. The Bad News Bears
by, Dave Reuter "You talking about Kelly Leak? That dude is a bad mutha." - Ahmad Abdul Rahim
Kelly Leak was just your average, Harley-riding, cigarette smoking 13 year old, who terrorized California Little League pitching. No big deal. Prior to the championship game and the barrage of intentional walks, Leak had been enjoying free reign. He feasted on 40 MPH fastballs. Why did any team pitch to Leak? Why did only the Yankees (sponsored by Denny's, naturally) do their homework? Pitch around him. You can't let Leak hurt you. His only protection in the line-up was a catcher with a slow bat that was shaped like a baked potato. Not exactly Johnny Bench. I've seen Bad News Bears a million times. You could jam Engelberg with fastballs in. Make Rudi Stein hurt you. Ogilvie, Tanner. Anyone but Leak.
And how was Leak allowed to ride around town in a Harley? Set aside the driver's license for a second. Did the kid even have a motorcycle permit? The 70's were a different time, sure, but the people were still citizens under a governing body with rules and regulations. If I were a parent, I would've walked right up to Leak and --- ah, fuck it. I'm not telling Kelly Leak he can't ride his motorcycle in the outfield. I mean, it's Kelly Leak. That dude is a bad mutha. Dave Reuter aka @WheresBenRivera aka Big Dome Jerome writes for Liberty Ballers and The 700 Levvy and does whatever the eff he wants 'cause he's a grown man who wears crewneck undershirts all day eerday. 28. Step Brothers
"I think I may be able to help with the Pam-Pan dilemma." 29. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
"This is some good iced tea." 30. Swingers
"This is what happened: she's a nice girl."
31. Sixteen Candles
"Nice language, babe!" 32. Manhattan
Is this movie even a comedy? It is, right? I don't know why I'm asking the question 'cuz it's not like I can even hear your answer. 33. Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby
"That. Just. Happened."
34. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Shout out Abe Froman. 35. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
"Mandrake, have you ever seen a Commie take a drink of water?" "Well, no, I can't say that I have." 36. The Princess Bride
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
37. Help!
by, Mrs. Evster aka The Whole Reason This Blog Exists
My parents version of children’s music was The Beatles. Sure we listened to some Raffi and Sesame Street – they’re not monsters – but for the most part the Beatles were it, and it worked: my parents didn’t feel like their brains were melting and my brother and I were entertained. So it only follows that at some point during our childhoods, my dad introduced Help! If you’re not familiar with Help!, you might think this is the 1965 version of Spice World, or Crossroads. It’s not. It’s a legitimately good and weird movie: Ringo has a grass carpet in his apartment, and it’s cut by a man holding a pair of chattering teeth.
Like any British person, John, Paul, George and Ringo have vastly superior senses of humors (how do I show her I have senses of humor..) to the average American. Specifically, they have a very dry, yet silly collective sense of humor that drives the movie: the plot revolves around a ring, which happens to be a sacrificial talisman for an “eastern” cult, getting stuck on Ringo’s hand. The cult’s members and a pair of British scientists, convinced of the ring’s powers, chase the lads around England and some sunnier climes. A bumbling Scotland Yard gets in the act, helping to protect Ringo, and there are lots of songs. Good songs. Let’s not forget, these are The Beatles.
The movie is a little time capsule – for better or worse: there are some anachronistic racial/ethnic conflations – the “eastern” cult is satirized as Indians and Native Americans, although from what I can tell their home base might be in the Bahamas..? Yet you also get to see some of the planet’s most famous men, in the nascent stages of their fame, laughing at themselves and with each other. They’re charming, witty, and were apparently high for the entire movie.
My wife has a Masters Degree from an Ivy League institution and the illest vocabulary ever. I thank her every day for saving me from this lonely, miserable world.
38. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
"At the age of 12 I received my first scribe." 39. Trading Places
"May I suggest using your night stick officer?" 40. Uncle Buck
by, The Neen Machine Great family film. Enormous pancakes. Like the biggest pancakes ever. Makes me feel like I could cook some enormous pancakes myself. Highly recommended. The Neen Machine has seen more movies than anyone who has ever walked this stupid, fat earth. 41. Major League
"Tried the corner and missed." 42. Blazing Saddles
"Why do I always get a warped one?"
43. Broadway Danny Rose
"What'd you do? You divorced him? Or got a separation? Or what?" "Nah, some guy shot him in the eyes?" "Reallllyyyy?? He's blind???" "Dead." "Dead. Of course. 'Cause the bullets go right through." 44. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
"How long have you been out here?"
"I don't know. I quit wearing a watch when I moved out here."
"That is so cool."
"Yeah my cellphone has a clock so I don't need it." 45. Bridesmaids
"I think I overcommitted with nine. Six is a comfortable number." 46. Better Off Dead
Yo Lane's mom was such a weirdo, getting him (and his whole family) TV dinners for Christmas? How good were those brownies in TV dinners though? 47. Knocked Up
"I know we're supposed to be nice to each other right now, but I'm having a really hard time, 'cause I want to rip your fucking head off 'cause you're so fucking stupid." 48. A Christmas Story
"I can't put my arms down!" 49.¡Three Amigos!
by, Loaves
The Threeeeee Aaaaaamiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigos.
There's a scene in this movie with a singing bush. A whole four or five minute scene where there's a bush, just a bush with leaves and no face or arms or anything, that sings for the entire goddamn time. That scene probably cost upwards of $200,000 between the lights and the film processing and all the pruning. Can you imagine saying some stupid shit like this, like, "Hey, plants sing," and then have someone else decide, yeah, I think I'm going to borrow $200,000 to make your idea of desert foliage bellowing sailing songs in front of three comics who are paying absolutely no attention whatsoever to one another is a great idea. We're totally doing that. This actually happened. This movie rules.
by, Sara Circs When this movie came out, it was a series of moments that blew my shitty little 18-year-old mind. Sure, nowadays you can see a kid tell his teacher to suck his balls through a bullhorn in virtually any Los Angeles Unified School District grade school classroom. But when Eric Cartman did it in 1998, holy shit - unchartered territory. Here's the basic plot: the kids go to see a disgusting R-rated Canadian movie that fills their heads and mouths with the kinds of obscenities young kids could previously only dream of. As a result, their parents launch a campaign against Canada and the movie's stars, and eventually start an American-Canadian war. The kids set out to save the stars and have some wacky adventures along the way. I largely love this movie because it is so smart. Also so amazing that this movie targets Canadians just for funsies, and made them distinguishable from Americans by their "flapping heads." The music, too, is legitimately good. "What Would Brian Boitano Do?" was one song. So was "Kyle's Mom's A Bitch." Go listen to them. At this point I just want to name amazing things from the movie: Saddam Hussein having butt sex with Satan. A little girl in the school cafeteria wearing a "COCKMASTER" t-shirt. The poster of Skeet Ulrich on Satan's wall. Sara Circs is TVMWW's Official Hollywood Correspondent In Charge of Eating Tacos and also writes Bachcaps® for Zoo With Roy Rogers. 60. The Jerk
"I have it written down, but I can, I can show it to you tomorrow if you want." 61. Groundhog Day
"Don't drive angry."
62. I Love You, Man
"You got it Joben." 63. City Lights
omg shut up this movie's amazing. 64. Top Secret!
The only thing I remember about this movie was a guy falling off a castle and shattering into pieces when he hit the ground. That's good enough for #64 on the list.
65. Wayne's World
Should probably be in the top 5. 66. Hot Fuzz
Full disclosure I might've fallen asleep during this movie. 67. Kung Fu Hustle
Saw this movie three times in the theatre.
REALLY, EV?
WOW TELL US MORE ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS KUNG FU COMEDY ADVENTURES. 68. Hot Rod
by, Seth Rosenthal Hot Rod is a movie about adults behaving like children, and it was kinda written as if by children, and it's all great. Major "plot points" and little bit characters and throwaway lines are treated with equal love, so you end up with an hour and a half of blithe, dumb nonsense. It's as if the people making the movie indulged their silliest impulses and worked whatever tics and brainfarts they developed while writing straight into the movie. And they're clever people, so it works. Or at least I think it works. I could imagine a person hating Hot Rod, which I understand, but also fuck that person. There's a part where Rod (Andy Samberg) wakes up from a coma, opens his eyes, and gasps "HOOBASTANK!", and the first time I saw it, I laughed so hard I stood up off the couch and stepped into a pot of seven-layer dip, then slipped and fell and continued to laugh. I love that fucking movie with my whole cheese-covered body. Seth Rosenthal runs the New York Knicks blog, Posting and Toasting. and he once posted this amazing iChat conversation he had with his mom trying to explain to her the controversy surrounding @HorseEbooks. 69. Jane Austen's Mafia!
Did I forget anything? Obviously I forgot some stuff. Ghostbusters. Who Framed Roger Rabbit. COCOON. Honestly how is there not one Martin Lawrence movie on here? Whatever, feel free to rip me in the comments section. Or tweet at me. Or just calm the freak down and say hello to this camel. He's a nice camel. His name Wendell.
Below you'll find the final installment of the internet's least popular blogpost series. Every week, from January 'til the Oscars, I checked in with TVMWW's Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, to chat about movies. Their credentials are as follows: Feddd does not have cable and steals internet from his neighbor so he can watch Netflix, while Sara has two kids and has not been to the movies in over five years. Onto the series' riveting conclusion... our gchat about the actual Oscars!
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me: Hey guys, I thought the Oscars were kinda boring. I mean, they were fine, whatever, they were boring and fine, but whaddya say we just post a pic of Jared Leto holding a chili dog?
Sara: Sounds good to me.
Feddd: Post it and toast it.
"I'd like to thank Gulden's mustard, and Martin's potato rolls and of course, the entire nation of Chile. Thank you."
Full disclosure, I'm friggin' tired. Tired, tired, tired. Tired of blogging, tired of wearing pants, tired of tha entire blog game hustle. So for this week's recap, I'm taking the week off and asking my good pal Pinetop Jenkins to step in. If ya don't know, Pinetop is a blues guitar legend and an 88-year-old sexual powerhouse. I think he''ll bring a fresh voice to this old, stale, stupid, stupid, stupid blog.
Before last night, Pinetop had never seen the Bach before, but when I asked my old pal to do me a solid, he checked it out. So without further fribble-frabble, I'm gonna pass the mic over to my good friend Pinetop so he can share his thoughts on last night's "Women Tell All" episode.
Here ya go, big fella. Smack 'em and yack 'em.
Hooooo, Dusty!
Pinetop Jenkins: Now look, we need to talk about that god damn dog. Just sittin' up there on that stage. Can't have no tee vee progrum with a damn dog on stage! Them ladies talked for 90 straight minutes, and not one of 'em mentioned that damn dog. I remember back in nineteen fifty three, played a show in Shreeport, Loozeeana, and a damn dog got up on stage and damn near bit my leg off. Musta hung on there all night, just chewin on muh leg while I tried to play muh gee-tar. Feisty little fella. Played a show in Bat-awn Rouge the next day, damn dog still hangin' on muh leg. That dog and I got to be pretty good pals tho. He'd a chew on muh leg, I'd throw him a piece of pee-can pie. That is til I shot him. Shot 'im right in da ass. Can't have no damn dog hangin' on yuh leg! And ya can't have no television progrum with a god damn dog on a stage. Mighta bit someone!
Now this Sharleen lady -- or Charlene, or Sharlayne, I don't know how ya spells it -- that's my kinda woman. I ain't known too many Sharleens who spells their name that way, and I knowns a lots of Sharleens, and when I say "knowns" I means had sex wit. Good sex too! Not like the sex them kids having these days anyhow. That sex is stupid! Had sex with a lotta women I tell ya. Not as many as Hambone Murphy doe. Hoooooooo, Dusty! Ole Hambone musta had sex with every gal in Mississippuh. Dogs too, but you ain't heard that from me. But this Sharleen Sharlayne, don't know what the hell she talkin' bout half the time, but she sticks to her guns, mmm hmmm. Stands by her man too. Can't have no 27 women on a stage hollering at a man! Ain't natural! Shoot, she the only one who stood up for John Pablo. That other fella on the stage last night, his little buddy, what's his name? The one with the small penis. He ain't gone defend no body. Where that man's penis? In my day, a man with a penis that small used to wear it on the outside of his pants to make it look bigger. Put it on the table if ya haveta.
OMGMGMGMGMGGMGGGGGGGG!
Now don't get me started on Andi, now. Dang lawyer with all that fizzle fazzle talk. I ain't got no time for no fizzle fazzle and I sure as fiddle pie ain't gone trust no lawyer. Learned that while playing a gig in New York City. Big buildings in that city, hoooooo, Dusty! Me and Hambone went up there and made 30 cigs and a rag's tail in one night. That's piggly bank in a whiskey parlor if ya ask me. Still, that lady need a new hairstyle. Om-brey. Om-brey? What kinda way is that to wear yer hair?! Sure, works for Jared Lee-to, but she's a fine pretty lady. But Andi? Too much flibbity flarn!
Then there's Cassandra and the Dog Lady. Gotsta be the two stupidest women I'd ever did met. Cassandra yellin' at John Pablo 'cuz he met Renee's son. Ain't his fault he met da lady's son, lady! She introduced 'em! Dang nabbits. Got two rabbits in a hen's crow! And how 'bout that "Dog Lover"? Jus' callin' herself a dog lover. She only got one god damn dog! I known dog lovers who had 17 dogs tied up back of their peanut ranch. Puddin' dogs too. With a slab o' rabbit jam!
Enough of all this bloggity blog! Time to hear some of that old time Rag Mama, Rag. Hooooooo, Dusty!
Wow. How 'bout that, huh? I have no idea. Honestly no idea. Whatever, hey all you Philly people, check out this jawn from the New York Tizzles about what's goin awn wit da Philly accent deese dayze. Or don't. Honestly I don't care what you do. Just keep reading this blog. That's all I ask. That is ALL that I ask. Also read my 700 Level jawns from time to time. Would it kill you to do that?! I mean WOULD IT KILL YOU?! Ughghghghhh.
Let me start off by saying fuck Chris Harrison. Fuck him right in the face. That guy, that little weasel, stirring up shit on After Da Final Rose, berating Juan Pabs and insisting he admit he was in love with Nikki, parading around the television audience like his name was Phil Donahue. Let me tell you something: I served with Phil Donahue. I knew Phil Donahue. Phil Donahue was a friend of mine. Harrison, you're no Phil Donahue.
UPROARIOUS APPLAUSE
It's a shame that Harrison is such a fat fuck, because as retarded as Juan Pabs is (and he is retarded, he is definitely retarded, and I know you're not supposed to use that word anymore, but that guy is 100% full-blown retarded) at least he's willing to admit that his relationship with Nikki legitimately starts NOW. He has no friggin' clue if he loves her. He likes her. He likes her a lot. 'CUZ SHE GOT DEM GROUND ROUND TITTIES, but just because ABC flew him all over the world and put her very, very, very round breasts on a #horse, that does not mean he's ready to propose. For every Sean and Catherine and their stupid, disgusting love, there is also Emily and Jef (JUST THE ONE F, THANK YOU VERY MUCH), and Jillian and Ed (The Short Shorts King of Chicago) and Deanna and that Snowboarder Guy (shocked that one didn't work out. I mean, who wouldn't wanna marry a snowboarder???). So you know what Harrison? Let Juan Pabs and Nikki's tits figure it out at their own pace. We know they're doomed. We know Juan Pabs is a doorknob. His own family essentially called him a hyperactive, stubborn dick. But at least allow him to give Nikki one night of pure, full-throttle, Venezuelan finger blasting.
And poor Clare. Poor, poor, poor, pathetic, dirty, incredibly erotic, disgusting, lucious-tongue-having Clare. No matter how crazy she is (I mean, she's like a level 9, right? Or a level 12? She's like off-the-charts crazy), it was still super sad to see her twinkling little feet appear on screen, in that stupid teal dress, revealing that she was the first one off the boat. It's incredible that you can still feel for a woman who earlier in the evening said, and I quote, "The one thing that I 1000% believe in is how much I love." Ughhghghh, what does that even mean? Rudolfo, Juan Pabs' dorf of a cousin, and living proof that the Galavis DNA is filled with shit salad, should've just sent her home right then. I mean, what was that guy even doing there if he wasn't going to run and tell THAT? The only acceptable response to a human saying, "I 1000% believe in how much I love," is, "Nope! THANK YOU!"
Rudolfo instead chose to tell Juan Pabs how "ready" Clare was, which was like telling someone that the sun is HOT. There has never, EVER, been anyone more ready than Clare. She was ready from Day 1. When I lived in Boston, I used to play pickup ball at this playground near Boston College, and there was this dude José who was always SO READY. Anytime you were choosing up teams, or determining who got next, José was there stretching his quads and jumping around like a goddamn jackrabbit. We called him Hose. And Hose wore rec specs. And he was an absolutely terrible basketball player. BUT HE WAS SO READY. Need a fifth? Hose. Need someone to slap you five after EVERY possession? Hose. He was a total spaz, and he face-guarded people, and he once shot a ball that landed in the tennis courts. I don't know how it happened. I don't know how a person shoots a ball into a tennis court. To this day, in over 30 years of playing basketball, I have never seen a guy shoot a ball into a tennis court. And yet, José... I think it hit the top of the backboard and bounced over. But I honestly don't remember because every black dude on the court instantly started cracking up and fell to the ground. Hose was so ready, though. Back on D before you knew it. "My bad, my bad, match up!" Terrible player. Absolutely terrible. But so ready. I'm pretty sure he was retarded.
How 'bout this #horse by the way?!?!
"Marigold? Where's Marigold?" "Oh, she just went for a quick dip."
What's goin' on here? Do horses just go swimming in Saint Lucia? If so, I am booking a ticket there STAT. Can you imagine putting your head under water, taking a couple strokes and swimming into a horse?! Oh, sorry horse. I didn't see you there. "Actually it's Marigold." Also, can you surf on a #horse? I've never been surfing, but I feel like surfing on a horse is the only true way to do it. What do you think that horsie's name is? I think his name is Leonard. Leonard the Horse.
Phil Dons, interviewing my dad in 1984. The two of them fucked shortly after this pic was taken.
BACK TO THAT LITTLE SHITBAG OF A TELEVISION HOST. Phil Dons was probably throwing up all over his grave last night watching that guy try to engage with the audience. It was one thing to be disappointed in Juan Pablo not proposing. I get that. Harrison works for a goddamn television network, and he wants his stupid show to deliver on its promise of pure, unadulterated dogshit. But once it became clear that the dude just wasn't there yet, that he wasn't ready to propose to a woman who he'd known for TEN STUPID WEEKS -- or 70 days for all your maths majors -- I think Harrison coulda eased up and been like, "Yo, I ain't tryna mess with no broke ass trick who says I love you after four dates either, bro. I got you. I gottttttttttttsssssss you." And then the two of them coulda high fived and gotten down on their knees and snorted some coke off those couches like REAL RENEGADES DO.
Look, the bottom line is: who gives a shit? This show once again provided us with weeks and weeks and weeks of total toilet domination. It got friends and family members to gather 'round the ole TV set, and spend time together -- laughing, crying, and barfing all over each other. And that's really all you want out of a TV show. Well, that and slam dunks. It'd be cool if there were more slam dunks on this show. And black chicks. Would it kill them to put at least 12 black chicks on every season? Also, what about a guy who has like four dicks? That'd get ABC to tha top of da Neilsen Ratings. God this blog is so stupid. I'm sorry. Thanks for reading. I love you.
JK I hate you but whatever.
Full disclosure: I watched last night's finale BY MYSELF (my wife was away in Denver on bidness). OMG DON'T JUDGE. Whatever, ain't no thing, 'cuz I stay tru to da game. Hey, people sure went bonks for that True Detective show, huh? Should me and da wifey check that shit out? I mean, we've got Game of Frones and Mad Membs coming up, and we haven't watched Antiques Roadshow in a longggggggggg time, so I don't know what to do. The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the omg how old is Bob Dyls these days he's gotta be like a hunnerd, right? He and Phil Dons should fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
"OMG Juan Pabs that's hilarious tell us again about the time you took your sister to get an aborsh."
Throughout this stupid website's run, you've heard all sorts of reasons for why I watch The Bach: "It's absurd.""My wife watches it.""I have a 47-inch penis." Whatever. All true, but whatever. The main reason I watch (and why you tune in every Monday night too) is because we are all perverts. Hot, wet, disgusting perverts. This game show is nothing more than a glorified sex tank, and yet every week, we sit on our couches, eating our Sun Chips, and wait to see what happens when a bunch of women ovulate.
Some of the action is HAWT (you can't deny it) and some of it is just downright disgusting (but still kinda hot). So let's take a look back at Monday night's ep and rate just how erotic, or how gross, the action was.
As always, we will be using the standard Nørwegian Erøtic Sex Scale, with leather whips representing hotness and Billie Jean Kings representing grossness.
Sharleen Tongueing Juan Pabs - 5 leather whips
Probably the most consistently hot (but secretly disgusting) act on this show, there are few things more exciting than watching the cameras close in on two, wet, searching tongues. Last night, Sharleen rocketed up the TVMWW/USA Today Coaches Poll after she pressed her round, red, mouth over Juan Pabs', and proved to us all that she has in fact been with a man before. Obviously, she loses points for having her eyes closed (c'mon Sharleen, this is AMERICA), but it was still refreshing to see that she has BASIC WOMANLY NEEDS.
Cassandra Talking About Her Stupid Child - 9 Billie Jean Kings
Ugh Cassandra, you're so freaking hot and can clearly shake your rumproast, and yet on your one-on-one date you chose to show Juan Pabs a picture of your stupid kid? No one wants to see your son, lady. NO ONE. We want to see tongues. Did you not read the previous paragraph? The only thing worse that you could've done was show Juan Pabs your Facebook status when you asked, "CALLING ALL MOMMIES: Can you recommend a good (but relatively inexpensive) organic baby powder? Little Rodney has a rash in his asshole and he's been digging in all night! Thanks! :)"
No big deal, just photos of a pregnant Cassandra from all three tri-mesters!
Cassandra Stepping Out of her Romper, Revealing her Bikini Bottoms - 7 leather whips
Hats off to The Bachelor camera crew for focusing on Cassandra's delicate ankles as she stepped out of her red romper. (Evster's note: the only reason I know it's called a "romper" is because my wife mumbled "nice romper" when she came out for her date.) Regardless, it's such a simple and erotic move to let gravity take over and allow your stupid garment to fall to your feet. The subsequent action of stepping out of the outfit takes the eroticism to a whole new level. It doesn't hurt that Cassandra's 21-year-old bod is BADOONGLE-DOONGLED even though she shot a baby out of her vagina only a short time ago. Obviously, she has no chance to win this competish, but I appreciate her lack of c-section scars.
Chris Harrison's Two-tone Color Block Shirt - 5 Billie Jean Kings
Way to dry everything up, Harrison, showing up in the stupidest shirt I've ever seen. Also, can we get this guy a different hairstyle? He still does the exact same comb-everything-forward-and-then-flap-it-up-in the-front move that every fraternity dude was rockin' in Two Thousand Ought One.
Chicks Sitting Barefoot on the Couch Together - 27 leather whips
There is nothing -- AND I MEAN, NOTHING -- hotter than when the ladies are just hanging around the house barefoot, in their little short shorts, with their freshly shaved glistening legs propped up on the couch. I have never once actually listened to what they're saying in these scenarios, because I'm too busy watching their little toes twinkling. I also find it fascinating that women FACE EACH OTHER while talking, as if they're actually listening to what one another are talking about. The best is when there's like four or five ladies on one couch, which provides a better opportunity for them to touch and/or spit in each other's faces. If I were the Bach -- AND I UNDERSTAND THAT I NEVER WILL BE -- I would replace all Rose Ceremonies with Couch-emonies, where we would all just sit around and play footsie. I realize that Athlete's Foot is very itchy and very real, but it'd totally be worth it.
Google Image Search: "Sorority Chicks on Couch"
Sharleen's Crying - 7 Billie Jean Kings
Ugh, have these people NEVER watched this show before? WE KNOW that it's difficult to be around so many other women. WE KNOW this is not a normal situation to put yourself into. WE KNOW that anytime I start three consecutive sentences with "WE KNOW" that there's always gonna be a joke at the end. And yet without fail, there is ALWAYS a lady crying like an sap on the Bachelor's shoulder. Pretty nice job by Juan Pabs to pretend like he gave a shit -- going with the ole Venezuelan Back Rub/Push Her Hair Out of Her Face move -- but it was not surprising that he pulled back from kissing her as Sharleen snorfed back her tears and wiped away her snot.
(Also for the record, as a Grade A Certified Master Perv Machine, I do understand that sometimes it is SUPER HOT for a chick to be crying whilst kissing, but last night was not one of those times.)
Woman in the back-right-hand-corner has clearly never performed fellatio.
Watching a Chick Get Blasted by a Soccer Ball - 6 leather whips
It's not so much the blasting that was hot, it was the combined whimpering and crumbling to the ground that revved up the eroto-meter. Last night, poor Sharleen kept getting wailed, to the point where I fully expected Juan Pabs to pop that champagne cork right into her eye after the game.
(Apologies to all of you Twitter dorks who already read that joke last night in your timeline. Also who cares.)
Dancing in Front of a Band That No One Has Ever Heard Of - 3 Billie Jean Kings
Speaking of Twitter dorkdom, last night when they first showed the band, I tweeted, "Rick Steeble and the Steeblemakers!" which I swore was gonna get like 400 retweets... and it got NOTHIN'. No response at all. Proving that all 977 of my followers are DUMB.
The Black Chick's Silk Robe - 1 leather whip
I appreciate the effort!
Dog Lady Covering Her Face So Juan Pabs Wouldn't See Her Without Makeup - 5 Billie Jean Kings
Can we all take a quick second to acknowledge how hilarious these pictures of Billie Jean King are?
Stole this pic from Zoo With Roy!
Kat's Wammers - 11 leather whips
Yo, they are honestly OUT OF CONTROL. Combine Kat's yams with her straddling Juan Pabs' face in da swimming pool???
Normally I would start off this post by saying something like, "Y'all gotta watch this show. It's not horrible." or "Seriously. It doesn't suck." or "I am telling you, Russian women are not afraid to give birth on live TV," but if you're here, and you're reading this, then you already know how bonkers DWTS is. There's no reason to try and convince the non-DWTS watchers to tune in. The show is fun, we're all on board and Carrie Anne Inabla is as emotionally stable as a bowl of soup. So let's just sit back and enjoy the ride -- all 7 of us -- and break down last Monday night's premiere.
To help me out, I've asked Good Morning America's George Stephanopoulos -- an ABC insider and a man with the kindest, softest eyes -- to share with us his Top 4 DWTS newsworthy headlines following Week 1.
"Thanks, Evan. Let me just start off by saying--"
Whatever, Stephanoplloussous!!!
Get your own blog!!!
I'll take it from here!!!
1. Nene Leakes is Black
Finally, finally, FINALLY, they got a real, legit black chick to appear on this show. Now I know, I know, last year they had that big black lady from Glee, but she was on Glee, so how black could she really have been? Nene is a real, bonafide black person. And I'm super excited to see her do all the things that black people do... on live television. First and foremost, dance. Second, have a butt. Also, other stuff. Like walk around with an attitude and say funny things like, "You can run and tell THAT, Bruno!" Aw man, black people! Amiright?!
2. Winnie Cooper's on da Show!!! I Don't Know Why That's Interesting, But It's Sorta the Most Interesting Thing Ever.
Yes, it's true. Winnie Coops is BACK. Ever since The Wonder Years ended like 20 years ago, Winnie's been spending her time studying maths and writing maths books. I don't even know what that means. How can people still study maths? Hasn't pretty much everything in math already been figured out? It's like, how many more problems can you do? We get it, you're good at adding and then multiplying and then adding again. Get over yourself. The only modern day math genius is Joseph A Bank who has somehow figured out how to turn a profit by giving away suits. Nice job, Joey Banks. No idea how you're running a successful business.
I was never the biggest Winnie fan to begin with. I mean, I get it, I get it, she's cute, and she was a perfect fit for Kevin Arnold, but 12-year-old Evster was much more into Elle MacPherson and Janet Jax and any other woman who could successfully give birth.
The most amazing thing we learned on Monday's episode was that Ben Seaver (from Growing Pains) dumped Candace Cameron back in the day so he could go out with Winnie Coops. True story!
Here's Ben Seavs today with his current wife:
I know!
So proud of him.
And here's the most unbelievable thing you'll see all day:
What a belt!
I tried for about 10 minutes to zoom in on that goddamn ribbon that Erkel is wearing, but I could not for the life of me figure out what it said. If anyone out there, like some stupid maths major, knows how to zoom in on a computer to read it, please do. My guess is that it says, "First Place: Virgin Casserole."
(omg why am I making fun of Erkel for being a virgj? He's like 10 in this picture. I hope to God that he was still a virgj at that point. Then again, he was living in Hollywood, so he probably shoulda been doing SOMETHIN. Ben Seavs was clearly taking chicks to the boneyard. I'm seriously so proud of him.)
3. There's a Goddamn Lady on this Show Who Has No Legs
I mean, this is a dancing show for crying out loud. And I know it's nice to pretend that disabled people can do anything they put their minds to, but this is a goddamn dancing show. That being said, I find it fascinating that this woman can do anything. I went to a music show last night and had to stand for 90 minutes (withOUT anything to lean against!) and I have never felt more lower back and foot pain in my entire LYFE. Still, very proud of this lady, but she needs to be sent home immediately. Let's not mock the sanctity of this show, people. C'mon.
4. Erin Andrews (You Know What I'm Talkin' Bouts!)
Wowzers!
And check out Captain Cranium over Erin's right shoulder.
Dude is DEAD SERIOUS.
He might have Alopecia.
Also, did anyone see Billy Dee Williams almost fall asleep at the end of the ep?!
THIS IS A GOOD TELEVISION PROGRAMME!
So I haven't decided yet, but I think I'm gonna blog about this show every week. Then again, I might be absolutely sick of it all by next Tuesday, so let's just take it day by day, okay? Still, Game of Frones and Mad Men must be coming back soon -- and I guess as a famous television blogger expert I should know these things, but honestly who cares. Whatever, here's a link to a Marc Maron interview from this week with Lena Dunham where she talks a lot about barfing. And here's a recent #bunreport. Shout out @HeyMegan for filing it.
Welcome to a new weekly feature here at TVMWMMWWMWMW, the DWTS Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown, by far the stupidest (and yet smokiest!) DWTS recap on the internet. How long do you see this one lasting? Three? Maybe four weeks? Whatever, please stop pissing all over my ideas. This one's gold, Jerry, gold!
It is truly incredible how much everyone gropes each other on this show. It's like walking through the hallways in middle school. And it's not just whilst dancing, it's whilst being interviewed or whilst doing nothing. Last week, Charlie's partner was legitimately circling his nipples while he tried to answer a question about the Cha-Cha-Cha. Who could possibly talk to another person while someone caressed their nippers? I know I couldn't. And I've tried. Oh Lord, have I tried.
Watching all this groping has affected my wife, too, who has not been able to keep her damn hands off me the last two weeks. Last night in bed, while she was spooning me, she started taking her knees and jamming them into the back of my thighs. Just like a total jam job. Then I started laughing, so she jammed her knees in even DEEPER into my thighs to the point where she was basically pedaling my hamstrings like a bicycle. After around 15 seconds I asked, "What the hell are you doing?" but she just kept pumping her knees and pulling back on my shoulders for leverage. I have no idea what the point of this story is or why I'm sharing it, but I feel like I SHOULD, and that's what makes this blog special! Let's be honest here, the Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown could not be off to a better start.
It's-a good tomato!
This Week in the Life of Tony the Tomato Salesman
Is it me or does Tony Dovolani (Nene Leakes' partner) look like he should sell tomatoes for a living? You don't have to answer, I know I'm right. This week Tony argued with Carrie Anne Inablow about the correct way for dancers to position their hands during the Jive. Frankly, I don't know or care who was right, but it was nice to see Tony stand up for himself for once in his dumb, tomato-filled life. This guy is by far the worst dance instructor on this show. But a GREAT tomato salesman. Did you know that Tony has never once finished higher than third place in this goddamn competition? PATHETIC.
Okay wait I just looked it up and he actually won the competition a few years back with Melissa Rycroft, who you may remember as the lady who got absolutley Mesnicked on national television. Congrats, Tony! And congrats, Melissa!
Last night, my wife and I were exchanging texts about what we should have for dinner and I suggested egg salad. She obviously agreed -- because egg salad is dope a.f. -- but mentioned that we didn't have any lettuce or tomato in the house. So on my walk home, I stopped at Wawa. But they don't sell lettuce and tomato at Wawa. So I went to the deli counter and just asked the guy for a couple slices of tomato and a few shreds of lettuce. The dude behind the counter is my buhl, so he hooked me up with a couple of to-go soup cups filled with L&T and then I brought it to the counter along with 2 Snapples® (on sale for $2.22). As the guy rung me up, and was about to charge me for two large soups, I told him, "Oh, that's just some lettuce and tomato," and he said, "Oh, do you have a sandwich receipt?" and I just went, "No," and then we both kinda stood there staring at each other until the other one caved. Well, I don't think I have to tell you who ended winning THAT battle. He ended up just charging me for the 2 Snapples®. Moral of the Story? I ROBBED THEM MUTHAFUCKAZ BLIND (and I sort of feel bad about it). Whatever, should I have offered to pay for the L&T? Probably. But I figured he'd charge me a buck or something. Tony wouldn't stand for that shit. He tryna get PAID.
Standard flutter foot.
Candace Cameron vs. Winnie Cooper -- Round 2
This week, Candace told the national television audience that everything she does in this world is for her lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Very different from the way I live my life, where everything I do is to try and smell my co-workers' hair in the elevator. Candace proved she's a total prude and refused to let Mark Ballas dance shirtless (WHY SHOULD WE EVEN WATCH, CANDACE?). Have no fear though, I just spent 10 minutes googling "Mark Ballas shirtless smokehouse rancher," and found these AMAZING pics of him and Derek Hough from growing up.
omg
omgomgomgomgmomgmgmgmg
They were also once in a pop group together!
OMG TIMES A MILLION!
Winnie Cooper on the other hand recently posed for a spread in Maxim.
ANOTHER FLUTTER FOOT!
Advantage: Coops!
Things I Absolutely Cannot Handle
Every week during the Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown I will share one part of this show that I simply cannot handle as well as something outside of this show that I can't even COME CLOSE to handling. This week: When the dancers ham it up for the cameras before going to commercial break ... and the fact that office workers have to form a queue of microwave boxes when they want to heat their food up at lunch time.
Last night going into a commercial, Tony and Cody did some sort of pretend boxing thing where they both held up their dukes like the Notre Dame leprechaun. Then, after a few seconds of fake-fighting, they realized it was lame as shit and both let out huge, dumb belly laughs. Cody even did some sort of lower lip bite and finger point and there is no way that I can ever handle seeing anything like that ever again.
At lunch today, I needed to heat up my shafty Annie's organic burrito, but had to wait in line behind a Lean Cuisine, a Tupperware bowl of meatballs and some guy's DOPE-looking chicken pot pie. My burrito looked so pathetic behind those other meals and I felt really sorry for it and then my friend Josh came into the kitchen and was like, "WHO'S GOT THE GAY-ASS BURRITO?" and I pretended it wasn't mine and was like, "yeah, is it ANNIE'S? lol" then ran out and got a slice of pizza. I hate those stupid microwave queues and I hate Josh and his dumb, fat face.
I'm a frog.
Mr. Froggington's Weekly Mirror Ball Watch
Every week, we'll check in with TVMWW correspondent, Mr. Froggington, to get his take on who's in prime position to bring home this year's Mirror Ball trophy. Ready, Mr. Froggington?
Mr. Froggington: Okay, first of all, let's just all remember that I am in fact a frog and am not accustomed to blogging about popular television shows or really doing anything that frogs don't normally do in everyday society. My normal day-to-day operations basically consist of sitting on lily pads and eating flies (well, and also hopping around, but that's a given), but still, here goes. I gotta tell ya, I think that Meryl Whatsherface is in prime position to bring home this year's Mirror Ball. She's like some sort of pixie angel, isn't she? I mean, obviously it's ridiculous that she's even allowed to participate in this competition (she's an Olympic DANCER for Pete's sake!), but they let her into the thing, so she might as well bring it home for Jerome. Also I think she and that Russian guy might ribbit ribbit ifyaknowwhatImean.
(I'm talking about fucking. I think they might fuck.)
Last Thing That I Can't Believe I Waited This Long to Bring Up
Yo, that legless lady said that her fake legs (flegs) could fly off at any moment. That one small detail makes her weekly performances THE MOST MUST-SEE TV EVER IN THE HISTORY OF MAN. Can you imagine if Derek Hough whips her goddamn legs off?!
Hey all you wonderful people who I love very much and appreciate your time and devotion to the world's biggest pile of wet, hot, disgusting internet garbage, here's another edition of #GoogSearches.
For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, below are things that people have actually typed into Google, that led them to this here website.
Enjoy.
Also, 11 pageviews for "baklava!"
Click here to see what pops up if you search for "wife with snoring husband images."
Who knew people liked baklava so much? I mean, I love baklava, but apparently so does the rest of da world. That's nice for baklava.
When did Robin Roberts become the most boring, cliché, cornball on the planet? Is that what happens when you beat cancer? You turn into a total sap? Roberts -- Monday night's guest judge, and a woman who seems to have lost ALL estrogen from her body, and no I'm not entirely sure what estrogen is -- praised every single solitary performer during the show. "Ohhhh, that was just special. Thank you for bringing such joy into the hearts of so many." THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, ROBIN. Yes, it's fun. And yes, it's riveting to watch C-list celebrities try to revive their cancer-filled careers, but I've never been so moved during these performances so as to feel any kind of legitimate, heartfelt human emotion. Omg that's not even true. Sometimes these dances are super emotional. Especially when that lady with no legs dances. She's has no legs! And her fake ones could literally fly off at any moment. I don't understand why this isn't the lead story on Anderson Cooper every night.
This Week in the Life of Tony the Tomato Salesman
Wooooooooo, Dusty! The show's corniest dance instructor has been RE-NENE-LIZED by our big, voluptuous, nubian queen. I would've thought only Maks could handle a woman like Neens, but did you see the way Tony put her big ole size 13s up on his shoulders? THAT'S SOME TOMATO-LOVIN SHIT. Anytime a woman has her feet up on a dude's shoulders, good things are gonna happen. And that's just a fact. A medical fact.
Don't stop, git it git it!
Candace Cams vs. Winnie Coops -- Round 3
Bing and bong!
Full House sucked right? I'm not wrong when I say that Full House sucked really, really hard. And yet when I mentioned this to my wife Monday night, she responded by saying, "It didn't suck that hard. I mean, I watched it." So I have to divorce her now, right? Like I need to pack up my stuff, figure out who gets to keep the toaster and get the hell outta there. I honestly don't know what else I can do. Uncle Joey can suck a thousand d's.
By the way, Honey, if you are reading this: I'M JUST YOKING. I do not really want to divorce you. I'm just showing off for my friends and would be nothing without you. I promise you, all of the laundry will be folded by the time you get home tonight and I will give you the best foot massage of your life and not complain ONCE about the cramps in my thumb. I will also watch Full House with you whenever you want. And I would understand if you wanna divorce me. Please don't divorce me. I am seriously nothing without you. NOTH. ING. I also figured out this morning where you've been keeping our secret stash of money and I think it's rude that you have to hide it from me but also totes understand 'cuz I wanna spend it all on pizza seriously let's get like 12 pizzas tonight just you and me we can feed it to each oths and also jalepeno popperz thx.
Anyway this round clearly goes to Winnie Coops that lady is on FYE-URR.
Just in case you can't tell, that sign reads "OMG I ♥ CODY."
Things I Absolutely Cannot Handle
Every week, I talk about one part of this show that I cannot handle as well as something in real life that I can't even COME CLOSE to handling. This week: Cody Simpson, and when people sit on the outside seat of the subway and leave the inside jawn empty.
Cody Simps is too much. His hair, his facial expressions, his little pop, lock it, drop it moves. And how about the fact that he chose own song to dance to, Surfboard? SIMMAH DOWN, BIG FELLA. By the way, I'm pretty sure that song is about his dick. Check out the lyrics:
She caught up in that new California love I’m the kid from out of town, tryna get me some I asked her how her night's been She says let’s go for a night swim And you know what she meant
So come on Let the ocean take us away Till we see the daylight cum And I know that it's getting late But we wanna stay
She on my surfboard, surfboard, surfboard She on my surfboard, surfboard, surfboard Go ride it, surfboard
That's about his fucking dick!
Also, check this out: Is it me or does Cody kinda sorta look EXACTLY like that dude from Spiderman and the Facebook movie?
For the record my wife TOTALLY disagrees with me here.
And I also figured out who Gregg Leakes looks like:
Billllllllllllll CAHTTTT-wright!
Speaking of Bill Cartwright, the subway was fucking jammed this morning, and I was forced to press my face up against the glass like I was outside the goddamn Today Show. But then I saw this dude just chillin' in an outside seat, with an empty one right inside of him. And it wasn't like he had a giant bag on the seat or anything (another, slightly less dickier move), he was just leaving it vacant, and no one bothered to ask him to either slide in or get up and let them slide in. So I weaseled my way past like 15 people and felt like 15 dicks press against me, and I got to him and was like, "Yo, can I sit there?" and he gives me this look like he don't know I'm the illest blogger in the game, and then finally gets up and lets out a big groan and then I sat down and immediately farted.
Hi again.
Mr. Froggington's Weekly Mirror Ball Watch
All right folks, let's check in with Mr. Froggington to hear his thoughts on who's the current frontrunner to bring home the Mirror Ball trophy.
Mr. Froggington: Okay, before we get started, I just wanted to make something clear: I am a frog, I live in a pond, I don't own a TV, and I'm not entirely sure what is even going on here. Regardless, after this week, it seems like Meryl may have some actual competish. Winnie Cooper was excellent. Great lines. Smooth butt. And that handsome man with the hairless chest seemed like he could make some noise, too. Oh who am I kidding? Meryl's got this thing wrapped up. She had a very hot mome with Maks. That was honestly a really hot mome. I'm a frog.
Last Thing that I Can't Believe I Waited This Long to Bring Up
I actually tweeted using #DWTS that I want to see Nene and Maks dance together next week.
I've got a new favorite podcast (even though it's not new) that you should totally check out: The Champs with Neal Brennan (that's Dave Chappelle's boy who helped create and write Chappelle's Show) and Moshe Kasher (just some white dude) and the two of them (both whities) only interview black people. This week they had Hannibal Buress on. Last week they had this dude who writes for the Daily Show who was originally from Compton and played ball at Long Beach State. Omg who cares here's a dog.
I'm feeling a little sensitive today, so bear with me.
So this morning I was walking around downtown on my way to physical therapy (whatever, I screwed up my back and my entire torso is twisted and it's so stupid and so painful but no one cares about your sorrow Ev just get on with it) and I was taking my sweet time because I was nice and early so I decided to duck into a café for a cup of coff and a chocolate CROI-SAUNT. And while I was in there, this dog -- his name was Major -- started sniffing my leg and I go, "What's up doggie?" and then the owner pulled him away and that made me sad, but it was still cool to see a dog in a dining establishment.
After I paid for my stuff, I just kinda walked around the neighb and there was a light drizzle falling, really more of a mist, and it felt really nice on my head and all was good in the world. And this thing is, this world is so stupid. There's so many dumb things out there like flip flop tans and wheat bread and homelessness and ostriches, but there's also a bunch of really nice things too, like the mome I was having on my morning walk. And TV... TV is no different. God these shows are so stupid. Dancing With the Stars and those dumb people twirling around and fake smiling for the camera, and Game of Frones with these stupid dragons I mean what kind of lady gives birth to dragons and then sits on a rock and pets them and what is up with Sansa being SO DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME it's like your family's dead, lady, get over it! But still, they're fun. And entertaining. And as dumb as the Smoke Fire Lady is as annoying as Drew Carey seems, it's still fun to live in a world where we can sit on our stupid couches and soak it all in. And it's even more fun when you check in here every week to read about all these stupid television shows with me. So thank you, everybody. Thanks for reading my stupid blog. Maybe one day we can all meet up in a chat room and hardcore cyber.
Onto the Shakedown:
I gotta nice-ah tomatoes today-ah.
This Week in the Life of Tony the Tomato Salesman
Gotta be honest, I only caught bits and pieces of Dancing With the Stars Monday night (THE GODDAMN NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME WAS ON), but I did flip over to see Tony sneaking around like a little pervert checking in on Nene and Derek. Poor Tony, for the first time ever he's looking good and paired up with a hot, non-white woman and he's forced to sit back and watch CHISEL CHEST DEREK get a turn with his partner. Luckily, Derek choreographed a REALLY shitty number -- and kind of racist, right? all that tribal dancing and shit? that was totally racist! Well, hopefully all the stupid white people who watch this show won't vote Nene off and we'll get to see her grind her butt against Tony again next week. Also I can't believe that fucking dude doesn't sell tomatoes.
Winnie Coops vs. Candace Cameron vs. Sansa -- Round 3
No idea what's going on here.
Clearly Candace Cameron is at the bottom of this list DESPITE the fact that Sansa is a miserable, depressed, doorknob of a woman. (SHE'S LIKE 15, EV!) Whatever. Nothing is more of a turn-off than loving Jesus. I guess AIDS and/or not knowing how to put your pussy on a platter is a turn-off too, but then again I have no idea what I'm talking about.
Winnie Coops is a blatant smoke dog who gives off the classic girl-next-door vibe combined with the modern "I'm in my late 30's and am finally ready to crank off a mailman" vibe.
Winner: Winnie Winnie chicken dinnie.
Good fork, bitch-ass fork.
Things I Absolutely Cannot Handle
Every week, I talk about one part of this show that I cannot handle as well as something in real life that I can't even COME CLOSE to handling. This week: when TV shows SWITCH ACTORS in the middle of a series and really flimsy plasticwear.
Continuing in the tradition stupid Hollywood switcharoos -- shout out to the mom on Fresh Prince of Bel Air and the two Beckys from Roseanne -- Game of Frones switched actors with two TOTALLY different looking people this week. I don't know what this character's name is -- it's the dude who's now trying to bang the Dragon Lady -- but the new guy doesn't even look close to the old guy!
Same vest tho!
I mean, I get whey they got rid of that first guy (DORF ALERT) -- and frankly the new guy is way better looking -- so in conclusion I have no idea why I'm upset that they made the switch. This seems like a no brainer.
Am I right Beckys from Roseanne?
Yes you are, Evster!
Also, check out what Becky looks like these days!
I have no idea which one this is!
Then there's goddamn flimsy plasticwear. How am I supposed to eat a beet with goddamn flimsy plasticwear?! I mean, I probably shouldn't be eating beets in the first place, beets are stupid, omg no they're not! They're high in riboflavin!
Right, Bobby Beet?
Right!
Whatever, Bobby Beet!
No one likes you!
Mr. Froggington's Weekly Mirror Ball Watch
Hi again everybody.
Time to check in with Mr. Froggington and hear his thoughts on who's the current frontrunner to bring home the Mirror Ball trophy.
Mr. Froggington: Thanks, Evster. Before I begin, quick bit of housekeeping to go over. I am a frog. I do not own, nor have I ever owned a television. I don't even own socks. And yet, here I am to talk Dancing With the Stars with all of you. Here goes: Meryl has this thing LOCKED DA FROG UP. How is it possible that they let an OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST who medaled in ice DANCING into this competish? Her performance with the other Chmerkobvssskie this week was incredible. She honestly looked even better than her Chrmmerkkobvskskie. But hey, Chmerkobvskiy's gonna chmerkovsk, right? I dunno. I have no idea.
Last Thing I Can't Believe I Waiting This Long to Bring Up
After that last scene in Game of Frones, when the Hound and Arya fucked those dudes up at that tavern, how badly did you want to eat some chicken? I got so hungry and such a craving for some gd chicken I couldn't handle it. Is there any food that is more consistently dope than a roasted chicken?
When my wife got her wisdom teeth out a few years ago, she took two VERY POWERFUL narcotics and demanded that I stop on the way home to get some chicken. We got wings, and the second we got home, she passed out in a chair. Eventually when she woke up, she wobbled over to the counter, put her elbows down to gather her balance, grabbed a cold chicken wing and ripped into that jawn like her name was Khal Drogo. Then she looked up at me, eyes glossier than a tub of vaseline, and said, "I'm eating chicken."
I have no idea if that story translates well to this medium, but it was really hilarious in person.
See ya next week, everybody.
I'm so tired of so many things.
PS I have no idea who got voted off this week. Can somebody PLEASE tell me?!?!?!
I couldn't think of a good intro to this post and then I thought of that on the way to get coffee and it made me laugh, and ugh, I'm so embarrassed that it made me laugh, but it did, and I'm sorry. I really am. Let's just move on.
I know this morning we're supposed to be all, "OMG, The Joffinator's gone!" even though no one calls him that, I mean no one has EVER called him that, but I've never been one to live in the past. This isn't TV My Wife Watched, this is TV My Wife Watches. Focus on the present. Live in the mome. It's not like I need to constantly remind you of my past accomplishments, like the fact that I played high school basketball with da Black Mamba, or that just last week TVMWW reached one million pageviews. Whatever, the blog's popular, it's not that big of a deal. Okay, yeah, I get it, articles were written about me back in the day, but it's not like I go back and read them once a week. It's like every other week at the most. This is a good one too by the way. Like, whatever, get over it. So what if I hold my school record for most assists in a season? And dropped 19 dimes in a playoff game against Norristown? I'm not sweatin' it either!
So what now? What now that King Joffleberg (once again, not his nickname) is gone FOREVAH?
Have no fear, the world's greatest television blogger is here to break it down for you.
Honestly, what is that piece of disgusting, dirty fabric doing around his neck?
1. I Have No Idea
You think I have any clue as to what goes on on this show? I spent all of last night's ep just waiting for nudity (which never came by the way!). How can HBO flash that big "N" at the beginning of the show and then not follow through on their promise? One friend of mine (not a friend, a dude on Twitter, and possibly an idiot) reminded me of the lady who was doing the upside down splits at the wedding party, but her vaj was not showing. I woulda spotted a bare vaj if they showed it to me, and they didn't show ANY bare vajs. When they start off with that big bold "N", I expect to see tits or butts or dicks or vajs. And I saw none of those. Although I did see a nice piece of a tit on Mad Men. That was a nice piece of a tit. It's amazing how much humans love seeing tits and/or pieces of a tit.
I guess now the new king is Joffrey's little brother? Does Joff even have a little brother? I think he does. That will allow Big Daddy Lannister to essentially run the show. Although we all know the real heir to the throne is Robert Baratheon's bastard, but he's being held hostage by the Smoke Fire Lady and omg there is no way to legitimately talk about this show without sounding like a dorf.
2. Who Will Replace Joffrey as the Show's Ultimate Villain?
Obviously it's Crazy Eyes McMurphy, the dude who's been torturing Reek (nee Theon) for the past few months. Poor Reek (nee Theon). I would say that the actor playing him should win an Emmy for his performance, but I seriously think the HBO execs are torturing him in real life in order to get him to act that way. It's honestly so sad. I wonder what Crazy Eyes McMurphy did with his dork. He ate it, right? He had to have eaten it. Or hollowed it out and made it into a thermos.
Another retarded piece of neckwear.
3. So Dragon Lady's Clearly Gonna Win the Game of Frones, Right?
I mean, it sure seems that way. The committee has given here a pretty easy road to the title. Obviously she'll have to get past the Smoke Fire Lady in the next round, but her storyline is pretty boring so I'm guessing Khaleesi will take care of her. Then she'll have an away battle vs. the Lannisters, but she has dragons, and the Lannisters can't really match up against dragons. No one can. Don't forget there was that interesting mome last week when the dragons were going buckwild and the dude was like, "Khaleesi, they're dragons, you can't tame them," which seemed like some foreshadowing that maybe the dragons will just kill everybody, including all the pretty horses. That would be sad. But it would be cute to see a dragon sitting in a throne. Just hanging out, drinking wine, with his little dragon feet. BUT, BUT, BUT, don't sleep on THE WHITE WALKERS. Can't forget about them. But wait, fire kills them, right? Oh the dragons will destroy them. They're dragons!
BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUTT, my real predictsh is that somebody will turn on somebody, and they will weasel their way onto the Iron Frone. It's been proven throughout history -- from Brutus killing Caesar to Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorf turning on Hulk Hogan -- there's always a backstabbing. The question is, who is the ultimate backstabber?
Mayor Carcetti, he's a slime ball, but he's not a heavy enough hitter to really make any noise. And then there's that one dude who's trying to put the moves on Khaleesi, but we don't even know his name. I wonder if Grey Worm can be trusted. I mean for one, his name is Grey Worm, and two, he's a eunuch. Eunuch's can't be trusted. They have nothing to live for. Bare titties literally have no effect on them. I wouldn't trust anyone who wasn't turned on by a titty. I also can't believe that's how you spell eunuch.
Maybe the best prediction though comes from @notkerouac -- who is by far the worst person to follow on Twitter. He said something last night which I thought was pretty profound:
"In Ep 10 King Forbedegorbedy has his dragon eat lady duty pants. Spoiler alert: it's Puff The Magic Dragon. Omgordz."
So there's that, everybody.
There's that.
Have you been reading my jawns on The 700 Level? You should. I think they're actually pretty dope. My last one was a minute-by-minute report after I attended last Thursday's Frozen Four. Check it out here. Or just look at this adorable goddamn chipmunk giving a flower to his friend. It's honestly so adorbs. If you're reading this in an office, I would probably gag yourself before looking at it. You might scream "OH MY GOD THAT'S SO FUCKING ADORABLE." I know I did. And I was gagged at the time. Ugh this is so stupid goodbye.
