RIP Jake and Whatsherface.
RIP Jake and Whatsherface.
↧
#NeverForget: The Pavelkanator
RIP Jake and Whatsherface.
↧
The Bachelorette Finale: Don't We All Wish We Could Find a Nice, Cool Mortgage Broker
 |
| Judy |
I grew up with a really nice kid named Jason Eisenstadt. Funny dude, dope haircut, had an amazing collection of Hustler magazines. But no matter how many lines Jason shaved into his head or how many titties his magazines introduced me to, I will always remember Jason as the kid who shit his pants at basketball camp. I can still picture Jason the day his ass exploded, trying to act like it was no big deal, eating his ice cream sandwich like it was just another Thursday at camp, only this day he had a lump of shit packed into his spandex shorts, and his older brother kept mushing it against his butt with the soles of his Reebok Pumps. It was a terribly depressing scene, and one that Jason's brother should frankly be ASHAMED OF (it probably scarred Jason forever), but that was Jason's legacy -- he was the kid who shit all over his own butt.
Jason is Chris the mortgage broker. The guy who now has to sit in a pile of his own shit, starting a life with a fiancé who only days before professed her love to another man. Or is Jason actually Brooks? The guy who shit his pants when he realized he might have to propose to a woman on national television, and then ran back home to his Mommy. I dunno -- this isn't really the perfect metaphor for what happened -- I just thought it was a funny story that I could share with my readers who tend to be interested in shitty writing constructed around a shitty premise. What I do know is that this show is absolutely retarded and one day we're all going to live in a fiery hell. We might even be there already. Have you seen Bravo's Princesses of Long Island?
Maybe Brooks leaving really did open Des's eyes to Chris? And maybe now that her eyes are open, she'll be able to see that his poems suck SO VERY HARD. Seriously, doesn't she realize that if she keeps telling him how much she loves his poetry, AND LYING RIGHT TO HIS FACE, that he's going to keep writing them?! And yet despite being the shittiest poet in the history of poetry, Chris (a mortgage broker!) still might be the most put together package in the history of this show: good athlete, great chest hair. But his legacy will always be that of a guy whose fiancé loved a different dude just 48 hours before committing to him.
 |
| I spent around 10 mins tryin' to see if you could see Des's panties in this shot. You can't. |
It's not Chris's fault that his life ended up like this. And it's not Des's fault either. It's the show's fault, because this show is stupid. Des couldn't be with the one she loved, so she picked the best available player (similar to what the Indiana Pacers do every year with the 14th pick in the draft). Maybe Chris is Lance Stephenson? No, Chris is not Lance Stephenson. No one is Lance Stephenson. Well, maybe Michelle Money is Lance Stephenson. That lady was FROM DA GUTTER.
 |
| Picture for people who didn't understand the last paragraph. |
We knew Des wasn't going to pick Drew. Especially after she introduced him to Judy the Horse during their last date. It was obvious from the second they locked eyes that Drew was developing feelings for Judy. How could he not? We all were. She's beautiful, regal, and has the rare combination of both a shiny silky coat and sad droopy tits. Oh Judy, you were such an enigma. I miss you already.
But Des preferred Chris (once again, a guy whose passion in life is mortgages), who she claims is "the greatest man she's ever met." Not really that surprising considering the two other men in her life are a guy with Asberger's (her father) and a well-known sociopath (her brother). Three days before declaring Chris "the greatest," the #1 man on Des's list was her mailman. No disrespect to Des's mailman, he's probably a good mailman, but there's no way Des's bro would've approved of their relationship.
 |
| #NeverForget |
Quick second to talk about Juan Pabs becoming the next Bach: Obviously I think it's a brilliant choice. Yes, I'd prefer a black dude, and I'd even prefer a more foreign foreign person, one who really struggles with the English language, but Juan Pabs is a cool guy with a nice personality and has all the makings of a certified sexual assassin. That being said, I still think Des's bro Nasty Nate would've made an incredible Bach too, simply because of the types of women who would've signed up to meet him. Can you imagine his final four?! Definitely at least three black chicks in the mix, and possibly even Ke$ha. I mean, she would've HAD TO have signed up to see if they were compatible, right?
RIGHT?
RIGHTHTHTTHTHHHTTTTTT???
Who cares. Des is happy, Chris sells mortgages, Brooks is a free man, Juan Pabs is gonna tear it up, and Chris Harrison is the front-runner to become the new host of Donahue. Did you see him walking through the audience asking questions during After the Final Rose? What a natural. Only Phil Donahue himself could do it better. RIP Phil Donahue. (Is Phil Donahue dead?)
I'll leave you with this: When Phil Donahue Jr. went into the crowd to ask the audience if Des could really love Chris so soon after having her heart broken, former contestant Jackie The Red Head told him, "Well, you know what they say: love is blind," which doesn't even come close to meaning what she thinks it means and has nothing to do with their relationship.
And yet, it somehow summed up the season perfectly.
Well, we did it folks. We got through another seez. Now what? I have no idea. The weef and I have been watching Breaking Bad, but we're not all the way caught up. Maybe this is a good time to say goodbye to TVMWWMWMWMW and start on a new project? OMG JK ARE YOU CRAY?! TVMWW RULEZ EERYTHANG AROUND ME, TVMWW.R.E.A.M. GET DA MONEY, BUNNY BUN REPORTS Y'ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
Twittsville: @TVMWW
↧
↧
New Posty Von Post Post for The 700 Level: Some Tips for Chip Kelly Before his Eagles Debut
↧
Breakinngngngngng Bad Returns This Sundayyayyayaayayy
 |
| Never claimed to be the best photoshopper in the biz. |
My wife and I have been going bonkers with Breaking Bad the last few weeks. We're averaging around five episodes a night as we frantically try to catch up before Sundee night's return.
Last night during a really intense scene I got massive diarrhea and had to pause the show, and as I ran to the bathroom with my pants around my anks, my wife actually yelled (out loud), "I HAAAATE YOUUUU."
↧
Songs My Wife's Husband Listens To: "My Girl" by Madness
Fellas (and ladies), I discovered a great song this weekend: "My Girl" by the British band, Madness, (the same group who sang "Our House"). This song was originally released in 1979 (so I'm only 34 years late on this one) but it really struck a chord with me, especially the lyrics (which I copied below for your reading pleasure).
Why can't she see
She's lovely to me?
But I like to stay in
And watch TV on my own
Every now and then
My girl's mad at me
Been on the telephone for an hour
We hardly said a word
I tried and tried but I could not be heard
Why can't I explain?
Why do I feel this pain?
'Cause everything I say
She doesn't understand
She doesn't realise
She takes it all the wrong way
My girl's mad at me
We argued just the other night
I thought we'd got it straight
We talked and talked until it was light
I thought we'd agreed
I thought we'd talked it out
Now when I try to speak
She says that I don't care
She says I'm unaware
Now I MUST state for the record that I love my wife very, very much and feel as if she is a very patient and understanding woman, but still wanted to dedicate this jawn to all the fellas out there whose ladies be drawlin' on the reg.
My girl's mad at me
I didn't wanna see the film tonight
I found it hard to say
She thought I'd had enough of her
I didn't wanna see the film tonight
I found it hard to say
She thought I'd had enough of her
Why can't she see
She's lovely to me?
But I like to stay in
And watch TV on my own
Every now and then
My girl's mad at me
Been on the telephone for an hour
We hardly said a word
I tried and tried but I could not be heard
Why can't I explain?
Why do I feel this pain?
'Cause everything I say
She doesn't understand
She doesn't realise
She takes it all the wrong way
My girl's mad at me
We argued just the other night
I thought we'd got it straight
We talked and talked until it was light
I thought we'd agreed
I thought we'd talked it out
Now when I try to speak
She says that I don't care
She says I'm unaware
And now she says I'm weak
Calm down ladies. Tracey Ullman retaliated for all of you, recording a cover called "My Guy" in 1984. Watch and listen to that jawn here.
↧
↧
Breaking Borbs: S:5 Ep:9 Blood Money
 |
| Those waffle shirts with the buttons in front are actually very in right now. |
During a standard ep of Breaking Bad, I will ask my wife no fewer than 47 questions a minute.
ME: Oh my God, why is Walter going to Jesse's house?
MY WIFE: I dunno.
ME: Do you think he's gonna kill Jesse?
MY WIFE: No.
ME: I think he's gonna kill him. Do you think he's gonna kill him?
MY WIFE: Let's watch and find out.
ME: Do you think he's gonna kill him though?
MY WIFE: That's three times now that you've asked me the same question.
ME: So whaddya think?
MY WIFE: Okay, that's four. And the answer is still no.
ME: I think he will. You know, keep your friends close, your enemies closer.
MY WIFE: Yeah that doesn't even come close to making sense.
ME: Which guy is Jesse again?
Amazingly, my wife finds this very annoying. So annoying in fact that she has recently implemented the Three-Pause Rule, which allows me to pause the show no more than three times an ep so I can ask her what's going on. This past Sunday, I used two of my pauses to make popcorn and the other to ask her if I was going to have to sleep on the couch. So now, four days after the show aired, I'm still left with many, many unanswered questions. Luckily, I have a blog, so hopefully together we can DIG DEEP into some of Breaking Bad's MOST BURNING HOT SIZZLIN' AND DRIZZLIN' SLAM 'EM BAM 'EM RIP ROARIN' questions.
First question!
Why in the world would Walt and Skyler open a car wash that is NOT a drive-thru?
Everyone knows that a drive-thru car wash is the closest thing adults have to a Six Flags. It's so much fun: the water-blasting, the suds, the Snuffaluffagus noses dangling onto your hood. And nothing makes me feel more like a STONED COLD MOTOR HEAD than sliding my front left wheel right in between those rails at the start. Sometimes I'll even talk to myself after getting my wheel in there, pretending there's someone in my passenger seat, "Yo, did you see me drive right in there? One take, homey, one take! Now let's get neutralized!" And then I'll slam my gear shift into neutral and get scared that I hurt my car in some way.
Obviously you should never purchase the most expensive wash (that's just ridiculous), but you should make sure to get one that offers HOT WAX just so you can see the HOT WAX sign light up at the end. I don't even think there's any hot wax that actually drips onto you car, nor do I understand how HOT WAX can help clean something, but that sign is undeniably erotic. Unfortunately, Walt and Skyler have chosen to open a stupid get-out-of-your-car car wash, which can't possibly make them enough money to launder, and is a subtle message from Vince Gilligan that Walter is not the mastermind foolproof criminal he makes himself out to be. Also the whole part where they show that Walt leaves the book of poems on the toilet and has to escape to New Hampshire and gets his house condemned and all that, but also the non-drive-thru car wash.
Dead giveaway!
 |
| This is what I meant by Snuffaluffagus noses. |
 |
| Doesn't really look anything like his nose, does it? |
What the hell is up with that Lydia lady? She needs to CALM DOWN.
Dude, I understand that Lydia's got access to Glythozlorocylene and has nice smooth shins and connections all around the world, but I highly doubt that Gus would've wanted to do business with a woman who has more nervous energy than a Wheel of Forch contestant. I mean, maybe, mayyybbeeee she had her shit together when Gus's business was running smoothly, but ever since they introduced her on the show, she has raised my blood pressure up around 13 notches.
Speaking of:
Hey Evster, why the freak did it take you four whole days to get a Breaking Bad blog post up?
First of all, shut up. Secondly, blogging takes time. Thirdly (if you must know), I had to go to the HOSPITAL on Tuesday, because I was having chest pains. And before you're like "OMG you're so neurotic, no 36-yr-old has chest pains," I did, and the doctors diagnosed me with pericarditis, a virus that causes inflammation around the heart. Whatever, it's fine, I'm fine, but I've just been dealing with some annoying pericarditis symptoms, which according to MayoClinic.com are:
- Sharp, stabbing chest pain in the left side of your chest
- Lowgrade fever
- An overall sense of weakness and fatigue
NO BIG DEAL. JUST SHARP, STABBING CHEST PAINS.
It's okay, at least I got to lay back and watch TV. Nope! Because another symptom is:
- Shortness of breath while reclining
Here's the last little symptom I'll hit ya with -- this one goes out to all those lovely readers who emailed me asking, "DUDE! HOW HARD IS IT TO WRITE ONE STUPID BLOG POST A WEEK?"
- At times, it may be difficult to distinguish pericadial pain from the pain that occurs with a HEART ATTACK.
But onto your precious blog post!
 |
| I've never understood why anyone would ever want to sit on the floor. |
What was that Star Trek conversation with Skinny Pete and Badger all about? That had to mean something, right? Why else would they put it in there? And are those guys going to get their own spin-off sitcom or what?
I don't know what the freak those dudes were talking about. I don't ever know what they're talking about. Spock making someone's stomach explode and barfing all over the place? My guess is that this is some sort of foreshadowing and that maybe Walt will give that ricin cigarette to someone, causing them to puke all over themselves and die. This might be the first logical, thought-out hypothesis in the history of TVMWMWMWMWMWMW.
Also, no biggie, just typing these words while feeling like at any moment my heart might EXPLODE.
Which scene was better? The opening jawn when Walt returned to his house? Or the final confrontation between Walt and Hank?
Tough call! But I'm going with the opening scene. I know, I know, the final scene was bonkers, and lots of TV recappers pointed out this week that it's very rare for a show not to drag out a confrontation of that magnitude over many, many episodes, but I feel like the opening scene just roped you right back in. From the initial close shots of the skateboarders -- where after five seconds everyone was like, "YO, THAT'S THE WHITE'S POOL!" -- to Walt returning and seeing his house condemned, to the "Hello, Carol" line, I mean, what a brilliant way to start the seez. I think I'm just a sucker for those present day scenes. I want as much present day action as I can get. When I watch Intervention, I just wanna see the end credits when it tells you how the meth addict is doing NOW. When I have to pause a ballgame and fall behind the live action, I need to GET LIVE. Now with Breaking Bad, I just wanna figure out WHICH GUY IS JESSE?
Silver lining to me almost having a heart attack this week: we're now that much closer to the next episode!
YOU'RE WELCOME.
The next edition of TVMWMWMWMWM's mailborg post is coming up soon. So send in your questions and comments to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com. I promise to answer any and all responses. Or just check out this nice birdie. He's really nice.
Twitttaaaaaaaa: @TVMWW
↧
Breaking Bad S:5 Ep: 10 - Something About a Car Wash?
 |
| I never noticed Walter was bald. |
It's amazing that it took television producers so long to greenlight a show about a guy who owns a car wash. I mean looking back, it's like, wow, a car wash is such an amazing and obvious backdrop for a show -- the crazy cast characters who come through, the cars, THE SUDS -- so thank God the people at AMC had the confidence to go forward with Breaking Bad. Now, as we get closer and closer to the end of the series, each episode heats up with more sizzling hot, soaking wet, sweet car wash action.
Last night was no exception. Let's go back and revisit the latest episode.
The show opened at night on a suburban street, where an old guy left his house and hopped into his truck that was in desperate need of a car wash (OR SHOULD I SAY, TRUCK WASH?!). But as the old guy started up the engine, he spotted a whole wad of cash on the ground.
"Great! Now I can afford the supreme car wash ... OR SHOULD I SAY, TRUCK WA---" but then he found more money, and more money, and as he followed the trail of cash, he spotted an abandoned car that REALLY needed a car wash.
And also, a person.
"Hey buddy! You lookin' for the car wash?"
It was Jesse! who was laid out on a merry-go-round, 20 feet away from his dirty, rusty, embarrassing car. (Maybe a metaphor for how Jesse needs to COME CLEAN?) But Jesse was all out of sorts, and just sat back and looked up at the stars, remembering a simpler time when you could sit in your car at the car wash and not have to get out to pay an attendant.
Zip back to Hank and Walt (exactly where we left them), frantically trying to call the car wash.
"What's going on with the car wash?!" Walt screamed into the phone, desperate to know how many customers they had. But Skyler was nowhere to be found. Was the car wash broken? Did someone forget to put their car in neutral? WAS THERE A TRUCK THAT COULDN'T FIT IN THE CAR WASH?!?!
In pure Vince Gilligan fashion, he halted the scene without tipping his cap, instead leading us to a diner where Hank and Skyler met in secrecy.
"Skyler, it's just, it's just ..."
"What Hank? The car wash?"
"I don't know how to tell you this, Sklyer."
"Good God, Hank, what is going on with our car wash?"
"You haven't had any trucks go through the car wash, have you?"
"Ummm, ummm, I dunno. Why do you want to know, Hank?"
"It's just, look, here's a tape recorder, just tell me how many trucks have gone through your car wash."
"Hank, I don't know if I feel comfortable talking about my car wash without my car wash partner."
"Skyler, I know you've had trucks at your car wash."
"Hank, I don't know what you're accusing me of here, but I feel like I should have a lawyer present."
"Do you understand that a truck CANNOT fit through a standard car wash, Skyler? Do you know what could happen to you and your kids if you let trucks go through that car wash?"
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF OPERATION YOU THINK I'M RUNNING HERE, HANK. IF I WANTED TO WASH TRUCKS, I WOULDA OPENED A..."
"GODDAMMIT I KNOW THAT, SKYLER. YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?"
"THIS ISN'T A GODDAMN TRUCK WASH, HANK!"
"Skyler! Just listen!"
"ARE YOU ARRESTING ME FOR WASHING TRUCKS, HANK?"
Silence.
"ARE YOU ARRESTING ME FOR WASHING TRUCKS?"
More silence!
"ARE YOU ARRESTING ME FOR WASHING TRUCKS, HANK? 'CUZ IF NOT, THEN I'M GOIN' BACK TO THE TRUCK WASH! I MEAN, CAR WASH!"
Hank rubbed his head. Freudian slip? Or a much-needed clue to CRACK DA CASE?!?!
 |
| That's honestly a really stupid name for a car wash. |
Cut to a blindfolded Lydia as she rode through the desert being led to a secret parking lot full of trucks that needed a wash. When her blindfold was removed, she couldn't believe her eyes.
"Good God, these trucks sure are dirty," said Lydia.
"The trucks are fine!" said Angry Guy Jones. "Don't talk to me about my trucks. These are good, diesel-running, American trucks. Dirty or not, they do the job."
"They're filthy!"
"They're good trucks I tell ya! Now get down there in that secret hole in the ground, we men got men things to talk about up here! Mainly, trucks."
Lydia, now holed up in a dirty underground truck, heard rumblings up on land.
POW! CLANG! POW POW CLANG! CHIGGY CHIGGY CHIGGY CHANG! EH EH EH EH POW POW!
And then silence again.
"It's safe to come up now, lady!" hollered a voice from above. Maybe a talking truck? Nope, it was the red-headed crazy guy.
"Why'd we do that, lady? Why'd we kill all those people? And what are we gonna do with all these dirty trucks? I don't think they can fit in your standard, non-drive thru, American car wash."
"Don't worry, red-headed guy," Lydia said as she pushed down her sunglasses. "I know a place."
 |
| Did you know in real life she's dating the guy who played Herman Munster? |
Back to Walt! Who was now digging furiously in the desert, laying the foundation for a NEW CAR WASH?
QUICK BREAK FROM THIS RIDICULOUSLY ABSURD BLOG POST TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE: Does it amaze you how totally nonchalant these people are about driving their cars through the desert? And I don't mean driving on the desert highway where your car can overheat or blow a tire or get BUGS ALL OVA DA WINDSHIELD, I mean when they literally drive into the desert, OVER THE SAND, and onto some super remote location. I get nervous enough when I go apple-picking every fall and the parking attendant tells me I have to park on the grass. Like, my car is definitely going to get stuck in the mud, or maybe I'll run over a huge rock. And just now as I'm typing this, I'm realizing how ridiculous that is, but still. These Breaking Bad people are RECKLESS with their automobiles and I can't believe my wife is going to make me go apple-picking with her again in just a few, short months.
Full disclosure: I obviously love going apple-picking so I'd like to apologize to my wife for that last sentence. Honey, I was just trying to show off for my internet friends. I cannot wait to get apple cider and/or lyme disease with you again this fall.
Back to Skyler! whose sister Marie barged into her house to talk about the car wash.
"Skyler, how long have you known that Walt has been washing trucks at the car wash?"
Skyler said nothing.
"Skyler, did you know about this before Hank got shot?"
Still nothing.
"Sklyler, did you?"
"Did you just call me Sklyler?"
"No, I said Skyler."
"Pretty sure you said Sklyler."
"Sklyler, you're my sister, I know how to pronounce..."
"There! You did it again!"
"Did what?"
"You called me Sklyler!"
"Oh, stop it, I did not call you Sklyler. That's not even a name."
"What's my name? Do you even know my name?"
"Stop avoiding the subject, SkyMall!" Marie said as she SLAPPED her sister across the face! Then she ran outta the room, grabbed the baby and made a dash for the door.
"Marie! Give me back my baby!"
"I will do no such thing, Sylor!"
"Okay now you're just being ridiculous."
"I will not allow my niece to grow up in a household where her parents illegally wash trucks at a standard, non-drive-thru, American car wash!"
"Marie! Give her back the babby!" said Hank, rushing in to interrupt the action.
"Thank you, Hornk!" said Skyler as she took back her child, and then the three of them went their separate ways, wondering how a simple, standard, non-drive-thru, American car wash could have gone off the rails.
METAPHOR, GILLIGAN? I THINK SO.
BACK TO JESSE, who was now handcuffed at the police station, being interrogated about the car wash.
"What do you know about this car wash, PINKMAN?"
"Yeah, I bet you know a whole lot, PINKMAN. Like where they keep the soap, and where they keep the stash!"
"And also where they keep the soap!"
"And why do I have to get outta my car at that car wash, PINKMAN? I hate getting outta my car."
"Me too, man. Whatever happened to the days of punching in a code and riding on through ..."
" ... and watching the suds drip down onto your car ..."
"... and onto your hood ... dripping ... "
" ... always dripping ..."
"... and the massive vacuums, blowing your windshield wipers all over the place ..."
"... so intense ... "
" ... SO intense ..."
"Whaddya know, PINKMAN?!"
"Yeah, what ya got, PINKMAN?!!"
Just then, Hank walked in, holding three used air fresheners, a dead body and a bottle of hooch.
"Calm down boys, I got it from here."
Jesse looks up.
"It's hooch time."
CREDITS
Oh my God I'm so sorry. That was so, so, so stupid. But the video above is amazing, if only because of Mick Jagger's outfit. Also, reminder to get your questions and comments into TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com for the next mailborg post (coming soon). Or don't, it honestly doesn't matter. Here's a link to some secret insider informashe about Turner and Hooch. Did you know Jack Nicholson, Bill Murray and Chevy Chase were all considered for the role of Turner? Ugh, who cares. Also, did you know that AMC rebranded some car washes across the country as the White's A1 Car Wash to promote the show before the season premiere? Check it out.
↧
#NeverForget
↧
Doc Chicken Y'all
 |
| He's a doctor. |
In honor of the one and only Dr. Pizza publicly endorsing TVMWMWMWMWM on Twitter today, I thought I'd post this video from the Eric Andre Show where Eric interviewed Tatyana Ali. It's a must-watch and features a special appearance from Doc Chicken.
Thank you and have a blessed day.
And yes I'm aware that this has absolutely nothing to do with TV my wife watches, but it should be noted that my wife appreciates the comedic stylings of Eric Andre, Hannibal Buress, Doc Chicken and Dwight Gooden.
↧
↧
Wednesday's Wifey: Aaron Paul's aka Jesse Pinkman's Wife, Lauren
 |
| Check out Michael Dukakis creeping in the background. |
I have a friend named the Ice Man who is constantly posting pictures on the internet of him and his girlfriend holding hands and kissing and having fun and it is honestly WEIRD / borderline disgusting. Up until now, I always thought Ice and his girl were the two most lovey-duvvey people on earth, but now after researching Aaron Paul (aka Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Borbs) and his wife, Lauren, I might have to rethink that last statement. The Pauls are absolutely GAGA for each other. They're always tweeting sweet messages to each other and making out in public and now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I missed my wife's birthday last week.
Regardless, let's get to know Lauren Paul (nee Parsekian), this Wednesday's Wifey.
 |
Ugh. |
Okay, I get it, you're on the red carpet and cameramen are barking at you to mush your nose into your wife's ear, so you do it, and it looks cute, and her skin smells nice, and frankly she has very nosemushable ears. But look at Lauren's pelvis (or where her pelvis would be if this cameraman panned down a little bit), she is absolutely 100% trying to grind her oats into her husband's crotch.
And I guess some people might see that as nice gesture, and others (like myself) might find it very, very arousing, but I do not know one married couple (except for those weirdos on HBO Real Sex) who are this comfortable showing affection to each other in broad daylight.
Another prime example of a totally normal-looking picture that is secretly WEIRD. This is an Instagrammed photo taken by Lauren of her husband standing under a tree. Now you would think that the caption for this photo would be something like, "Aaron standing under a super fucking awesome tree!" Or "We're having a great time in New Mexico! Check out how fucking awesome this tree is!" Nope. Lauren's caption was: "My perfect valentine," with a little heart emoticon added for effect. This is what I'm talking about people. This is WEIRD.
Okay, the Pauls aren't all lovey-duvvey all the time. Sometimes they do normal things like try on hats. I really like that Lauren is wearing this Batman hat, if in fact she is wearing it ironically. I think she's wearing it ironically. Good God I hope she's wearing that hat ironically. Then again, these people live in Hollywood, so you can never be too sure what the hell they're doing with themselves.
When you're a super famous Hollywood couple, sometimes you have to pose for pictures with annoying fans. But in this case, the Pauls are posing with an even MORE super famous Hollywood couple, Los Angeles Clipper Chris Paul and his Pittsburgh Pirates-loving boyfriend. Kind of weird though that CP3's boyfriend couldn't put down his precious Bud Light bottle for the single greatest photo opportunity of his life?
Another weird thing about this picture: Why is 6-time NBA All Star point guard, Chris Paul, wearing a Lob Angeles t-shirt? Not exactly trying to hide the fact that he's 6-time NBA All Star point guard Chris Paul. A little self-serving if you ask me. I mean, c'mon 6-time NBA All Star point guard Chris Paul, that's ridiculous. You don't have to wear your team's merchandise when you're out in public. That's like the equivalent of Mario Lopez wearing a giant doorknob costume on the set of Extra.
More posing with people. Although this time Aaron does not seem nearly as happy to be with these strangers as he did with 6-time NBA All Star point guard Chris Paul.
Hard to say who my favorite person in this shot is. The guy in the way back who definitely sings in an a capella group? Or the Kurt Warner lookalike directly behind the Pauls, clearly standing on his tippy-toes to get in the shot? Naw, I think the real winner here, the real "oh my God look at that dude he's a real dude" in this particular photograph, is Captain Sun Tan Lotion on the far right hand side. Between his Ed Hardy button-down and that bulging blood vessel in his neck, he is the most amazing human being I have ever seen in my life.
All right, enough of Jesse Pinkman, let's focus on Lauren. Here she is with that guy from that television show and some other lady who has some REALLY dark lipstick on. Don't get me wrong, I like her lipstick, I really do, all 347 layers of it, but I can't get over the fact that her glasses are not pushed up on her nose. If she just edged those jawns up a littttttttle bit higher on her bridge, she'd look sooooo much better.
Look, I'm sorry that I happen to be the most critical person on the planet, but it would just take one little index finger pushing those glasses up, and then wammo! cover of Penthouse.
Once again, another person whose glasses are sliding down his nose. At first I thought this was a homeless person with Lauren, then I thought it was Frankie Muniz, turns out it's Jack Osborne, who may or may not be homeless. Also, I'm not exactly sure if that is in fact Lauren Paul.
In Lauren's free time, she volunteers or works or does something for the Kind Campaign. I don't exactly know what this is (because quite honestly I didn't feel like doing the research), but I'm pretty sure the Kind Campaign does something to help out underprivileged children. IF THAT IS THE CASE, then what I say what in the world is that lady in the pink doing?!?!
VERY inappropes.
Granted, it's super duper hot and I'd love for her to dig those heels deeeeeeep into my chest cavity, but still, c'mon lady, how bout rockin' a pants suit for once in your life.
(For the record, my wife and I are currently seven episodes deep into the first season of Homeland, and I have never, ever, ever seen a person wear more pants suits than Clare Danes.)
Back to the lovebirds!
I have no idea what's going on with Aaron's hat here, but I feel like he might be absolutely hammered. I think I'm back to liking them.
Just a couple of newlyweds walking down the street GOOD GOD LOOK HOW ENORMOUS THAT GUY IN THE BACKGROUND IS.
So despite the public displays of affection and the ear-mushing and the volunteer work and being friends with CAPTAIN SUN TAN LOTION, I think I actually like Lauren (and Aaron) Paul. I mean, c'mon, that's a pretty dope headdress. And for a major Hollywood celebrity's wife, she doesn't seem to wear that much makeup.
Also ...
Snorkel babes!
For the record, Chris Paul is like my 8th favorite Clipper.
By the by, I've got a super secret (not that secret) Breaking Bad blorgpost in the works that's gonna be bing bong bing-a-ling bong bling-blang BONKERS. Look for it soon. Or just check out the World's Biggest Meatball. That's what I'd do.
↧
Legit TVMWW Interview with Charles Baker aka Skinny Pete from Breaking Bad
 |
| I now consider this guy to be one of my best friends in this world. |
Yo yo yo yo yo yo, Charles Baker (who plays Skinny Pete on mayyybbeeeee the greatest show of all time, Breaking Bad) actually talked to me for an exclusive TVMWW interview. I know! I was as blown away as you are.
In the days leading up to us chatting, I probably sent Charles 47 different emails, most of them in an attempt to confirm that we were going to speak at 6pm Eastern time, or 3pm in Los Angeles. Then, on the day we were scheduled to talk, I realized that Charles actually lived in Texas, so I frantically searched the internet for what freaking time zone Fort Worth was in and sent him around 12 more emails. Turns out, Charles actually does now live in Los Angeles, and is perfectly capable of adding and subtracting by threes, so it all worked out.
The following is a transcription of our conversation, one where we spoke about everything from working with Chuck Norris on WALKER TEXAS RANGER to pigging out on the set of Breaking Bad to watching crappy reality television with his wife. Enjoy.
---------------------------
The Evster: Hellooooo, Charles.
Charles Baker: Evannnn, how ya doin, man?
The Evster: I'm doin' great, how are you?
Charles Baker: I'm all right, man, just hanging out.
The Evster: Thanks for doin' this, I really appreciate it.
Charles Baker: No problem, man.
The Evster: So what'd you think of those 47 emails I sent ya about gettin' the time straight? I don't know what I was doin' there, I don't know why I didn't have more faith in you to understand the whole adding and subtracting by threes thing.
Charles Baker: You know you'd be surprised man, I'm pretty bad at time zones. I had an interview scheduled for the UK a while ago and they told me they'd talk to me at a certain time, like 4pm, and I didn't even catch that they meant Eastern Time Zone, so I'm sitting around at like 1 in the afternoon and they call and I'm like, "Ohhh, ohhh, yeah, I shoulda looked at that."
The Evster: So you're saying I was right to send you all those emails? I felt like an idiot. I felt like I was turning into my mother, like sending you 4 million emails just to check this stupid time.
Charles Baker: There's this comedian named Hugh Fink, I don't know if you've ever heard of him, he's like this real nerdy guy who plays the violin, but he's great. He does this whole bit about how his father has no clue how time zones work.
The Evster: Yeah, my mother-in-law, who is a very smart woman, graduated from Berkeley, she's a psychiatrist, she lives in Brooklyn, she's an intellectual and one of those people who doesn't own a television, y'know? But she has no idea how to check her voice mail. And she claims that the last six cellphones she's had have all been "broken." You got a crazy mother-in-law?
Charles Baker: I got the best mother-in-law in the world, I totally lucked out. She's an academic counselor at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth. She works in the athletic department and she's one of the top advisors and a lot of her students go on to play professional sports. She talks to everybody, she's everybody's favorite and she's everybody's mom. She took me in from the day she met me and their family, my wife's family, they're mainly the reason I was able to pursue an acting career. I got the best mother-in-law in the world.
The Evster: Maybe the whole weirdo mother-in-law thing is a myth?
Charles Baker: Yeah, I like to think so.
The Evster: Although my wife might disagree with that.
Charles Baker: I was just about to say that. My wife mayyyyyyyyyy, may not agree.
The Evster: Oh yeah? Is your mother a nut job? What's your relationship like with her?
Charles Baker: My mom? She's in Canada, she moved there with her most recent boyfriend or husband, I don't know, we haven't gotten along since I was around ten years old. And we talk every once in a while, but we haven't talked since she moved.
The Evster: Yeah, well in the little research I did on you, I saw that you moved around a lot as a youngster, lived in Hawaii, all over Europe. Your pop was in the army or something. And yet, before this recent move to LA, you settled in FORT WORTH TEXAS? What was that all about?
Charles Baker: Yeah, weird, right? Well, that's where my mom was living at the time and I was trying to be closer to family and I have two older brothers, one passed away a couple of years ago, but all of them lived in Fort Worth, and I have an aunt and uncle and cousins who live in Fort Worth. And I've always been sorta the black sheep of the family and despite them not really wanting me to be around, I kept trying to hang around anyway. That's why I ended up here. When my parents divorced when I was around 7, my mom moved to Fort Worth, then Albuquerque, then Fort Worth again, so that's always been kinda a base in between going around the world with my dad.
The Evster: And now you've packed your bags and headed out to LA. Is this the first time you've taken a shot at this? Did you move out there as a young 20-something or anything? Or is this the first time?
Charles Baker: This is the first time. My oldest brother, Cal, who died a couple of years ago when he was 50, he moved out here when I was about 17, and I came out to visit him once. He wanted to be an actor, he was workin' at a grocery store, as a checker, and had just recently got turned down for like The Price is Right or something, or some game show, but he wasn't really doin' much here so he moved back to Texas. But I came to visit him one day and he took me out to a club and I got kinda wasted and don't really remember much else.
(Evster's note: Charles saying that his brother tried out for The Price is Right really had me baffled. Did he try out for Bob Barker's job? As an announcer? A model? What else is there to do on The Price is Right? Regardless, I did not follow up with a question about it, I just sat there scratching my head while Charles went on. He later told me that he misspoke and that his brother actually tried out for Love Connection with Chuck Woolery which was an AMAZING show, especially when they'd show the percentages of who the audience picked -- tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick -- "Ohhhh, sorry Pamela. The audience picked Stuart. Yes, that's his real haircut.")
 |
| How did the dude in the middle not win?!?! |
Charles Baker: Yeah, I kinda resisted for a while. I had heard a lot of negative stuff about LA, you know, the people here, how dangerous it was, but I was listening to this from a bunch of people who lived in Texas ... but I finally got invited to come out for a Breaking Bad premiere, I think Season Four? And I went, "You know, I'm not gonna miss out on that," so I came out here for that, I stayed with an uncle I have who lives out here and works in the business as a grip, he's a dolly grip, so I stayed with him for a couple of days and like, realllllyyyyy liked the place. I mean, I really liked it. So I went back to Texas and started making plans and slowly but surely we were able to figure out a way to do it.
The Evster: And did you move with the wife and kids out there? Did everyone join you out there?
Charles Baker: Yeah, in fact my oldest son, he's 25 now by the way, believe it or not.
The Evster: Wowzers.
The Evster: Wowzers.
Charles Baker: He had just graduated from Texas Wesleyan when all this was happening, but he was deciding on where to go to law school, and low and behold, he got a full scholarship to Whittier Law School in Orange County, so now we've all moved here. I moved my wife and two younger kids here first and got settled, and then as soon as he graduated he came out here as soon as he could.
The Evster: So the whole Baker clan is out there, getting sun tans. Although it's kinda sunny in Texas, too, so that doesn't make any sense.
Charles Baker: Uh-huh, and I actually have another daughter, she's 21 and she actually lives in Philly. I tried to get her to move out here, but she just won't.
The Evster: Yeah, there's something about this town, it's a weird place, it sucks you in, and then it sucks all the life out of you and you can't get out. So life's gotta be goin' pretty well for ya now, huh? You're wrapping up on one of the greatest shows of all time. I'm not ready to call it THE greatest show, in my opinion that's Will and Grace, but that's just one guy's ...
Charles Baker: Okay, okay, a little bit different, but ...
The Evster: Well, either that or Empty Nest, but life's gotta be goin' pretty well for ya now. How is life different now that it was a year ago? Or five years ago? Like, how's your confidence now as compared to then?
Charles Baker: Well, confidence has gotten a little too high. I think that's part of the problem. You know, I've worked on a Terrence Malick film ...
(Evster's note: I FUCKING LOVE TERRENCE MALICK. He makes these absolutely beautiful, emotional, powerful, sweet, incredibly artistic films. In fact, My wife and I watched Days of Heaven this past weekend and it was so beautiful and subtle and interesting and my wife HATED it. Like, she recognized that it was artistic and pretty and the music was cool, but she friggin' LOATHED Malick's minimal dialogue and storytelling technique. Immediately after the movie was over, she grabbed the remote and put on Wet Hot American Summer. I think that calmed her down.)
Charles Baker: ... and I did that while I was working on Breaking Bad. I just recently worked on a film called Ain't Them Bodies Saints, by David Lowery, he's kinda the next big thing, you'll be hearing about him. So now I'm like, "Yo, I'm Skinny Pete and I've been in a Malick film! What you got that's better than that?" So that mighta gotten my head a little too big, but I'm trying to keep that under control. But I love it out here. The quality of life out here is better than Fort Worth. The weather is better, the people are nicer, we live in a much safer neighborhood. We walk our kids to school. We go to the beach or go hiking in the mountains, there's so much more to do, it's wonderful here. And out here, I get to audition A LOT more.
(Evster's note: As Charles was talking about all the wonderful things you can do in Southern California, I heard a bottle shatter outside of my Downtown Philadelphia office window and then a person started screaming and then like 14 car alarms went off simultaneously.)
 |
| Welcome to Soul Patch City. |
The Evster: So back when you were younger and living in Fort Worth and you were hustling for gigs, like, I found these old headshots of you where you were rockin' a soul patch. Can we talk about that? That was something, man. That was really something.
Charles Baker: Okay, hold on, those pictures were taken by a guy named Mark Roddenberry. Does the name Roddenberry ring a bell at all?
The Evster: Not at all. Should it? I know Mark Ratner from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Charles Baker: Well Mark's the great nephew of Gene Roddenberyy who created the Star Trek series, and then of course, I got to do that Star Trek scene on Breaking Bad.
The Evster: Oh yeah that's right. I had no idea what was goin' on in that scene.
Charles Baker: But the soul patch, we're all young and dumb at some point. We do things we regret. I had a soul patch. I can live with it. I got rid of it. Can't we at least say that?
The Evster: Hey listen, I like that you own up to it, but what was your thinkin' there? I'm gonna be Soul Patch Guy? They're gonna remember me?
Charles Baker: See this is a testament to how difficult childhood can be. When I was a little kid I played football and I had this mean, mean-ass football coach and he used to make fun of me saying that I didn't have a chin, so I grew up with this no-chin complex. And I didn't know what that meant, I still don't, so I thought that little soul patch? That gave me the illusion of chinnage.
The Evster: See that's smart. Very calculated. I now almost accept you for having the soul patch.
Charles Baker: Thank you, thank you.
The Evster: All right so lookin' at your IMDB page there's a bunch of stuff that no human being has ever heard of, and then there's Walker Texas Ranger, the movie. I've never seen it, but Chuck Norris is a legend, especially in Fort Worth. Did you get any scenes with Big Chuck?
Charles Baker: Yeah. I'm 40-years-old, so he was kinda a legend when I was younger. He was like the action hero when I was a kid and you know, he fought Bruce Lee and lived to tell the tale. He's a tough dude. And it's kinda hard to not be a little bit intimidated by the guy.
The Evster: I believe you, man. I'm terrified of white people in general. And if there's a person who can pull of a soul patch in this world, it's Chuck Norris.
Charles Baker: I'm lucky he didn't pull off my soul patch.
The Evster: The other one I like on that list is Temple Grandin. I taught special ed middle school for four years and my class was located next to the autistic class and we used to do some stuff with them, so I showed it to my kids and they were way into it. That was a quality movie.
Charles Baker: It really was and I was really thrilled to be a part of that one. I played a nice guy and a cowboy and it was such a good movie. I mean, I sat in a trailer getting my hair and makeup done with Claire Danes and Catherine O'Hara for like a week straight and we would just sit and talk. And I'm still in awe of this business, and every time I get a job I'm meeting someone new, like one of my heroes and I can sit and talk to them and be their peer, it's just surreal. Every job I get is an amazing adventure.
The Evster: And I imagine, coming up soon, some young guy is gonna come up to you and say, "Hey, I watched you on Breaking Bad, tell me what you, you know, you can bestow on me." That's gotta be a great feeling.
Charles Baker: It's kinda neat, it's hard to really believe some times. That this is actually happening and it's not something I'm watching on some made-for-TV-movie. It's really weird how it's, it's almost been cliché for me after being on Breaking Bad how things have changed. You know, I have a manager now and an entertainment lawyer and a publicist, and people like you want to interview me.
The Evster: Yeah you're getting interviewed on the #1 blog on the internet that has to do with television my wife watches, so that's pretty unbelievable.
Charles Baker: I know, man. That's pretty awesome.
The Evster: Yeah this is a new high for you.
Charles Baker: Definitely.
The Evster: So you were saying you've got a manager now and an agent and all that, but going back to auditioning for Breaking Bad, did someone set you up for that? Did you seek it out yourself? And did you know going in, or have any inkling that this was something special?
Charles Baker: It was a weird situation for me, actually. At the time, I was in Texas and I had an agent, I still have that agent, Linda McAllister, and I was doing some acting classes with a casting director who did a lot of casting in Dallas and Fort Worth. And in her classes she was using old scripts from shows that she had tried to cast. And she had this old script, from a show that FX was originally gonna produce called Breaking Bad, but FX backed out at the last minute. So this casting director had all these scripts from a show they weren't going to make, because geez, it was a show about a high school teacher who makes meth, who's gonna make a show like that? So she was using that for her acting class. And I really, I knew a lot about what that script, at least what the pilot was about. I knew all the characters, because I had practiced playing pretty much all of them, without having any idea that Bryan or Aaron would be playing these roles. So I got to play with that script quite a bit before AMC decided they were gonna do it. And luckily, the same casting director was also used to help with the local casting for New Mexico. She was hired to help cast the day players, the one liner characters. And that's what they brought me in there for just, you just have a few lines and you're done. I remember before I got that audition and I said to her, "Hey, I can be on this show," and she laughed at me and said, "What are you gonna do on a show about a high school teacher who cooks meth with his high school student?" and I said, "Well they're bound to have other junkies on this show at some point." And she just kinda laughed that off and then a couple days later she was like, "Hey, you got an audition."
At first, the audition was for three parts: the Skinny Stoner, the Tattooed Stoner and a Chubby Stoner, and when I came back for the callback, it was just Tattooed Skinny Stoner and Chubby Stoner, and I was like, "Well, I'm already skinny and tattooed so I got this." And I went in and gave it all I got. I was told later by the producers that if I hadn't gotten in the way that I did, I never would've gotten an audition for the part, let alone gotten the part. Because they became so popular so fast, they could've had anybody, any named actor to play that role if they knew that it was gonna be a continuing role. They weren't gonna give it to some unknown actor guy who had been on Walker Texas Ranger, they were gonna give it to somebody good. And luckily I got to stay.
At first, the audition was for three parts: the Skinny Stoner, the Tattooed Stoner and a Chubby Stoner, and when I came back for the callback, it was just Tattooed Skinny Stoner and Chubby Stoner, and I was like, "Well, I'm already skinny and tattooed so I got this." And I went in and gave it all I got. I was told later by the producers that if I hadn't gotten in the way that I did, I never would've gotten an audition for the part, let alone gotten the part. Because they became so popular so fast, they could've had anybody, any named actor to play that role if they knew that it was gonna be a continuing role. They weren't gonna give it to some unknown actor guy who had been on Walker Texas Ranger, they were gonna give it to somebody good. And luckily I got to stay.
The Evster: So when did you realize this went from, "All right I've been in a couple episodes of this pretty decent show" to "Holy shit, I'm on one of the greatest shows of all time,"? Was it evident from the start? Did you realize it the second you got on set? I imagine you were nervous as hell that first day.
Charles Baker: I think we all knew. I mean, everybody just knew what we had. When I got to the set, it's like everybody who had been working on the show since the pilot had gotten a chance to see a rough cut of the pilot, before anything else. So a lot of the time, when they were trying to bring actors in who knew nothing about the show, that was their selling point. They would go, "Here, watch the pilot," and then the person would, they'd be like, "Yeah, I wanna be on this." And so it was pretty evident and I don't know if anyone really expected, or even cared about the Emmys and critical acclaim, we just knew we had a great show and we were just gonna give it our all.
 |
| #BunReport! Charles has a pet bun named Smudge. |
The Evster: Let's talk about life on set. I feel like if I were on the Breaking Bad set, I don't think I could stop talking about Bryan Cranston's calves. I have never seen calf muscles on a human being like his. Is it like widely discussed on the set that when he gets into his tightie whities, everyone gathers round and is like, "Holy smokes, look at them calves." Anyone ever brought that up to him?
Charles Baker: I'll be honest, I have never even thought about his calves.
The Evster: REALLY?
Charles Baker: But that might explain why he likes to do so many scenes in his underwear. I normally try to keep my eyes above the waist. When you're staring at a guy who has won Emmys and is Heisenberg, you wanna be looking at his eyes. You don't want your eyes roaming around.
The Evster: I understand that, but the man is bound to turn his back at some point, and I would think that a fella who has been on a set with horses like Walker Texas Ranger and cows on Temple Grandin, that you would appreciate his lower legs. Next time, you know, check 'em out, although I guess there won't be a next time, but ... I dunno, how is it on set? Everyone gets along? They feed you well? What kinda food they got up in there? I imagine that based on the success the food has gotten a lot better.
Charles Baker: Aw man, since the first season, I swear, they snagged THE BEST caterer in the industry. I brought my wife, my son and my best friend to the set, from Texas, not so they could watch me, but so they could see the food I was getting. My wife, she's a foodie, loves different types of food, trying different kinds of food. In fact in Season 3, that's the season I'm in the most, I actually gained a lot of weight because I just, man, I pigged out. It was phenomenal.
The Evster: Hey man, I get it. You were a starving actor. You needed that.
Charles Baker: It was pretty awesome.
The Evster: Who chows down the most on set? I mean, the obvious choice would be Hank Schrader, or whatever his name is in real life.
Charles Baker: Dean Norris, yeah, he's an awesome dude by the way. Um, there was one point where like, Aaron Paul sat down next to me at lunch, and I was piggin out and he was just like, "Hey man, are you gaining weight? You're Skinny Pete." and I sorta stopped and was like, "Is that a hint?" Was he telling me I need to stop eating so much food? Luckily that season Skinny Pete was getting clean for a little bit, so it worked out for a while.
The Evster: All right, so life is good, you're eating well, how 'bout this wife of yours? Does she make you watch any ridiculous television? The Bachelor? Real Housewives? Anything like that?
Charles Baker: Well, she umm, she's an actress and she has a degree from TCU also, so ummm, well not also, it's not like I have any sort of degree, I mean like her mom works at TCU and she has a degree, umm, she loves dance. She has been dancing since she was 4, so she watches So You Think You Can Dance religiously. I watch until they vote out all my favorite hot chicks. Or, ugh, I'm sorry if that sounded really misogynistic. I watch until all the beautiful young ladies are gone.
The Evster: Yeah, that's all right, we'll edit that out.
Charles Baker: Thank you. Then, after that, I tend to lose interest.
The Evster: That show's been on from time to time in our house, and I recognize that some of it is amazing, but I've never understood the whole interpretive dance with the jumping and the feet together and the rolling around on the ground. I mean, I get it, I get it, it's art, but I wanna see the dudes breakdancing and doing the slow-motion stuff and all that. That's mind blowing to me.
Charles Baker: I kinda lose it with all the ballroom dancing, and I know that's a skill. I mean, I took tap, jazz and ballet as a young guy and used to perform with a lot of ballet companies around Fort Worth while I was struggling to make it as an actor, and I enjoy watching great dance, but some of that quickstep and ballroom dancing, I'm just like ...
The Evster: You're completely ruining your chances of ending up on Dancing With the Stars right now by the way, you realize?
Charles Baker: Yeah, that's all right. When you don't dance for a while, you kinda lose it. My daughter, the one who lives in Philadelphia, came to visit out here and I took her to a party, a Breaking Bad screening, and we were at the party and I started jamming my head at the party and she was like, "Oh great, I come all the way out here for an embarrassing dad moment," and I was like, "Really? I'm now embarrassing because of the way I dance?"
The Evster: As if the soul patch wasn't enough, now it's the dancing. You can't win.
Charles Baker: That's all right, I'm okay with not doing Dancing with the Stars. My wife wants me to do Knife Fight, some new cooking show that's never coming out. I know nothing about it other than the name, but she made it very clear that she wants me to be on that show. And you know what? I've been pretty smart, I kinda convinced my wife and family that TV, like, that's my job, so therefore I have to watch good television in order to be a better actor.
The Evster: Smart, man. Really smart.
Charles Baker: Yeah, but she watches a bunch of reality. Mostly cooking shows, a bunch of cooking shows.
The Evster: Top Chef? You guys into Top Chef?
Charles Baker: She is. I mean, if the show was about cooking, I'd watch it, but when it's about the drama instead of the cooking ...
The Evster: I dunno, Top Chef is pretty legit. But hold up, back up a sec, when she's sitting down on the couch, parked in front of the TV watching Top Chef, she doesn't force you and be like, "Yo Chuck, sit down on this couch and watch this show with your wife." You're allowed to go do other things?
Charles Baker: We actually have a great relationship that way. I have my own office that used to be a garage, and that's my man cave.
The Evster: You are living the dream, man. I'm guessing you didn't marry a Jewish woman, because a Jewish woman would never allow that. You would be parked right next to her at all times, like I am. Oh my God, please kill me. What about those kids? Are they watching any annoying stuff? Caillou? They ever get into Caillou? That show is fucking terrible.
Charles Baker: My daughter did for a little while, but we got an extra TV recently, and a play room, so my daughter can go off there and watch whatever she wants. My daughter and I actually have a lot of similar tastes and stuff. The Disney movies. I recently got her The Guardians of the Galaxy? Have you seen that movie?
The Evster: No, I have not.
Charles Baker: DUDE, check that out. I was pretty surprised. That's a pretty fun movie.
The Evster: How 'bout Terrence Malick? She into that? Tree of Life?
Charles Baker: She's not yet into that, but I recently bought a copy of The Princess Bride for my daughter. But I'm still waiting to give it to her, because, for 1: for her to be old enough to appreciate it, and 2: for her to have a sick day, and then I'm gonna break that sucker out and I'm gonna be the greatest dad in the world.
The Evster: What's the appropriate age to introduce that movie to someone? Where someone actually gets it? Is that like 8?
Charles Baker: She is. I mean, if the show was about cooking, I'd watch it, but when it's about the drama instead of the cooking ...
The Evster: I dunno, Top Chef is pretty legit. But hold up, back up a sec, when she's sitting down on the couch, parked in front of the TV watching Top Chef, she doesn't force you and be like, "Yo Chuck, sit down on this couch and watch this show with your wife." You're allowed to go do other things?
Charles Baker: We actually have a great relationship that way. I have my own office that used to be a garage, and that's my man cave.
The Evster: You are living the dream, man. I'm guessing you didn't marry a Jewish woman, because a Jewish woman would never allow that. You would be parked right next to her at all times, like I am. Oh my God, please kill me. What about those kids? Are they watching any annoying stuff? Caillou? They ever get into Caillou? That show is fucking terrible.
Charles Baker: My daughter did for a little while, but we got an extra TV recently, and a play room, so my daughter can go off there and watch whatever she wants. My daughter and I actually have a lot of similar tastes and stuff. The Disney movies. I recently got her The Guardians of the Galaxy? Have you seen that movie?
The Evster: No, I have not.
Charles Baker: DUDE, check that out. I was pretty surprised. That's a pretty fun movie.
The Evster: How 'bout Terrence Malick? She into that? Tree of Life?
Charles Baker: She's not yet into that, but I recently bought a copy of The Princess Bride for my daughter. But I'm still waiting to give it to her, because, for 1: for her to be old enough to appreciate it, and 2: for her to have a sick day, and then I'm gonna break that sucker out and I'm gonna be the greatest dad in the world.
The Evster: What's the appropriate age to introduce that movie to someone? Where someone actually gets it? Is that like 8?
Charles Baker: I think 7 or 8. She's smart enough. She'd probably be kinda close now, but I really, I wanna give her a little more time so she can focus and appreciate it.
The Evster: You know what I just learned about that Mandy Patankin guy? I don't know if you watch Homeland with your girl Claire Danes?
Charles Baker: No, but I know Mandy Patankin.
The Evster: Yeah, so he was the dude in Princess Bride. Whatshisname? Domingo Montoya, right?
Charles Baker: Yeah, Inigo Montoya.
The Evster: That's unbelievable! Wait, so you HAVEN'T seen Homeland? You haven't seen what your girl Claire Danes is doing on Homeland?
Charles Baker: No I haven't watched it yet. With shows like that, I like to wait til there's a enough of episodes to watch and then binge watch it on Netflix or DVDs, so I haven't seen that yet.
The Evster: She's gonna blow your mind, man. She's not just helping out cows and just, shoo, she is a WOMAN these days. It's ridiculous.
Charles Baker: She's an awesome woman, too. She's brilliant. We were actually shooting Temple Grandin during the first presidential debate, during Obama's first election, and we used to talk about politics a lot, and Claire Danes used to have the most rational and valid arguments when we were discussing that.
The Evster: All right, man, so what now? You got some new show that you're excited about, right?
Charles Baker: Yeahhhh, The Blacklist.
The Evster: Yeah what's that all about?
Charles Baker: Uh, James Spader is like the FBI's Most Wanted, well, he's like #4 or #5 Most Wanted, not the #1, but he's up there, and he just like, turns himself in. Walks into the FBI office and turns himself in and he does it with what he calls a Blacklist. And he's like, "I've got this list, this Blacklist of criminals that you didn't even know they exist, and they're worse than any of these guys on your list, and I wanna help you catch them."
The Evster: By the way, all you had to say was James Spader and my wife was in, she will watch that show. Done. That's all she needs to hear. She lovvvvvves that dude.
Charles Baker: That's how they got me to be in it. They were like, "Heyyy uhhh, we got this show called The Blacklist with uhh, James Spader, you wanna audition?" and I was like, "Hell yeah!" And when they offered me the job, they were like, "Well, we know you're in LA and we're shootin' it in New York and it's just the pilot, so we're not gonna even fly you out here or put you up, do you still want to be in it?" and I was like, "Hell yeah I still wanna be in that show." So I flew myself out and put myself up, and damned if I'm not still in the show.
The Evster: So what kinda role do you play in the show?
Charles Baker: I play his driver / confidante. If he were Batman, I would be Alfred. It's a cool role for me. If you see the premiere, I'm actually the very first line in the premiere. "Must be good to be home again, sir." I play a very proper kind of butler kind of guy. Originally he was called The Man in the Grey Flannel Suit, but now he's just called Grey.
The Evster: All right man, well cool. Anything else you wanna touch on? I really appreciate you coming on and talking to me.
Charles Baker: Hey, yeah, no problem. No, not that I can think of.
The Evster: Well thank you so much, Charles. I really appreciate it.
Charles Baker: All right, take it easy. Good talking to you, Evan.
Yo, huge shout out to Charles Baker for doing this. Very nice and cool dude. Be sure to follow him on Twitter @CharlesEBaker. Would you do that please? Would you just do that for your old pal, The Evster? It'd mean a lot to me. THIS IS A HUMAN BEING WHO ACTUALLY AGREED TO BE INTERVIEWED ON THIS BLORG. So follow that dude. Or you could follow me @TVMWW. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out this picture of a really cute squirrel eating pizza.
Yo, huge shout out to Charles Baker for doing this. Very nice and cool dude. Be sure to follow him on Twitter @CharlesEBaker. Would you do that please? Would you just do that for your old pal, The Evster? It'd mean a lot to me. THIS IS A HUMAN BEING WHO ACTUALLY AGREED TO BE INTERVIEWED ON THIS BLORG. So follow that dude. Or you could follow me @TVMWW. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out this picture of a really cute squirrel eating pizza.
↧
#NeverForget
↧
TV My Dad Watches: Entertainment Tonight
 |
| Pretty strong Adam's App. |
Evster's note: For the next two weeks -- while our bathroom is being redone -- my wife and I will be living at MY PARENTS' HOUSE. As of now, it is still unclear as to whether or not my marriage will make it through the fortnight, but if it's any consolation, I will be writing a bunch of posts on what it's like to watch TV with my folks. The following is what took place last night, the first night of our stay, as I joined my dad for Entertainment Tonight.
-----------------
Amazingly, when I joined my father in the den last night, he was wearing pants (well, shorts). This might've been because he was on his best behavior, what with my wife being there and all, but based on the fact that my father lives in a constant state of oblivion, I'm thinking he probably just forgot to take them off. Regardless, when I took my seat next to him, he was curled up and concealed on the couch, already ten minutes into Entertainment Tonight.
"What're you watchin, Dad?"
"Ohhh, some news program I like that comes on before Anderson Cooper. I forget the name of it."
"This is Entertainment Tonight, Dad."
"Is it?"
"Do you watch this every night, Dad?"
"Yeah, the skits move pretty fast. It's entertaining."
Now, it was unclear here as to whether or not my father misspoke -- calling the show's segments "skits" -- or if he genuinely thought this was some sort of comedy program where actors performed ridiculous sketches. Either way, the first segment profiled Olivia Newton-John's daughter, who is currently recovering from a massive cocaine and alcohol addiction.
Between interview sound bites with both Olivia and her daughter, ET spliced in quick cuts of ONJ's daughter's music video, "Play With Me", one where she is filmed snorting cocaine, putting a gun to her head and trying to electrocute herself in a bathtub. The last of these three actions brought about legitimate, auditory laughter from both me and my dad.
"I also watch Ofrah's friend, Gail, in the mornings," my dad said outta nowhere. "She has a show with this other guy."
"Nice."
I then asked my dad what he thought of the show's two hosts, a white lady who looks exactly like the type of lady who would host Entertainment Tonight, and a bronze dude who looks like no human being who I have ever talked to in my entire life.
"Oh, they just introduce the next act. I don't even listen to them."
At this point in the show, my mother walked in to talk to me about my Skinny Pete interview, but she quickly got distracted by ET's profile of Richard Simmons, specifically his dyed hair. She then walk out of the room, opened the front door and yelled, "MY PLANTS NEED TO BE WATERED" to no one in particular.
 |
| Should I know who Olivia Newton-John is? I mean, I kinda do. |
Back in the den, I noticed something weird on the sole of my dad's foot. It looked like a blood blister, or possibly a wart, so I asked my dad what was goin' on there.
"I think it's part of a nut," he said.
"Sorry, what?"
"Yeah, this is part of a nut." He peeled it off his foot.
"What are you talking about? Part of a nut?"
"Like a walnut or something."
"What do you mean it's like a walnut or something? Were you eating walnuts?"
"No, but I might've been walking outside without shoes on and stepped on a nut. Although I wore socks to LA Fitness today, so maybe not."
At this time, my mom walked back into the room.
"OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT, A TOOTH? DID YOU TAKE YOUR TEETH OUT AGAIN?"
"Everything is a tooth. She thinks everything is a tooth. Not it's not a tooth, it's a nut!"
"Well get it outta here. It doesn't belong here."
I frantically reached for a pen and paper, trying to scribble all this down as quickly as possible.
"What are you doing?" my mom asked. "Are you writing down what I'm saying? You're writing down what I'm saying, aren't you? I hate you. I hate you all."
My dad then asked, "How do I get on your website? Mom never taught me."
The rest of the episode was pretty much exactly like every other episode of Entertainment Tonight you've ever seen. They did a thing about how Miley Cyrus is ruining the world, announced that it was Aaron Paul's birthday and mentioned something about Khloe Kardashian having a nervous breakdown. All in all, a pretty fantastic start to our two-week stay.
Also, it was an acorn.
For minute-by-minute BLOW-BY-BLOW updates on TVMWW Headquarters moving in with my parents, follow me on Twitter @TVMWW. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at this picture of a little girl feeding her cats a giant fish.
↧
↧
#NeverForget
 |
| If you don't look good, we don't look good. |
↧
Mailborg: Talkin' the Bachelorette, Al Jazeera TV, the Top 5 Worst Feelings Ever, and Why TVMWW Has Been MIA for a Few Weeks
 |
| I feel like mailmen are always wearing amazing socks. |
Where would TVMWW be without its readers? Probably exactly where it is considering there's only around 12 of you. BUT BABY OH BABY YOU'RE A STRONG 12. So let's take some time out to respond to my literally dozen of readers by emptying out the ole Mailborg 5000 and seeing what questions/comments/selfies my readers have sent me over the past few months.
Beep boop beep boop beep boop beep ...
---------------------------------
Is a mailborg like a cyborg but for mail? -- Lee Ewing aka @l_ewing1221
Sure, whatever.
Can you twitpic your mail sorting cyborg? -- Lee Ewing aka @l_ewing1221
 |
| Why is he waving? Get to work! |
Ayo Evster, if Des gave out buns instead of roses wouldn't it be more romantic? -- Tim R aka @whitemidget
Yes it would. It absolutely would. There are few things in this world more romantic than giving your suitor a live, breathing bunny rabbit. Imagine the ratings boom every Monday night at approximately 9:45pm when millions of viewers would tune in to see a woman hand over approximately 10 to 15 bunny rabbits to some sweaty, nervous idiots. The guys would be all confused about how to carry the buns, the buns would be trying to nibble their way out of their hands, it would be adorable! Unfortunately at this point, the stupid roses have way too much built-in caché to be replaced, BUT, I could see the Bachelorette producers incorporating buns into the rose ceremony ONLY if the Bachelorette was like, way into buns.
Like, for examps: you know those ladies who are way into stuff? Like elephants or snowglobes and they decorate their houses with a bunch of little figurines and trinkets? Well, let's just say that the next Bachelorette was BONKERS into buns. Maybe she was even a veterinarian or someone who specializes in buns. (Are there veterinarians who specialize in buns? There have to be.) Then maybe when she gave out the roses, she could put a rose in a bun's mouth and have the bun deliver the rose to the dude. Although I imagine if you put a rose in a bun's mouth, it would eat it, which would cause a great deal of confusion as to who was supposed to get the rose, but it'd still be supes dupes cupes.
Next questch!
Hey, Evster, did you find it as odd as I did how Des and Chris KEPT TALKING ABOUT growing old together? They both wish they were in their 70s. I didn't count, but they must have mentioned it a combined 45 times during the last 10 minutes of the show. Lamest couple ever. -- M̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶M̶e̶e̶c̶h̶ aka @meechone
First of all, the lamest couple ever is Mario Lopez and whatever dude happens to be in a relationship with Mario Lopez. Secondly, I TOTALLY GET WANTING TO GROW OLD TOGETHER. Think about it, life is MISERABLE. We wake up, we eat bananas, sometimes granola bars, sometimes yogurt (geez, are there ANY other acceptable breakfast foods?), then spend our days sitting through lame-ass Power Point presentations, before we finally get to go home and watch stupid television shows while checking our Twitter and PRAYING FOR FAVES AND RETWEETS, and then before you know it, we go to sleep, have the covers ripped off of us by the person we've chosen to cohabitate with and then our stinkin' alarms go off and we have to do it all over again EVERY STINKIN' DAY.
Personally, I can't wait to get old and not have to do anything, ever. Sure, I'll probably also have constant lower back pain and tumultuous diarrhea, but it's not like that'd be anything new. Plus, people in their 70s don't give a shit about shit. They're the only ones who have figured it all out. Also, Viagara seems amazing. So sorry, Meech, but I totally support Des and Chris and their incredibly boring, pathetic, public lifestyles and desire to grown old together. THANKS FOR WRITING IN THOUGH DUDE, KEEP RETWEETING MY STUFF, THANKS AGAIN, 'PRECIATE IT.
 |
| DESIREE ACTUALLY TWEETED THIS ONTO THE INTERNET. |
Are you done with #foxtalk, Evster? Just wondering for future updates. -- Mark Magowan aka @_magowan
Absolutely not. Love #foxtalk, love foxes, love Vivica A. Fox. It's just I haven't seen one in almost a year. Besides, this is the summer of buns as evidenced by the fact that all the memory in my phone is used up with pictures of buns. Also, how is it that you had to make your Twitter handle UNDERSCORE Magowan? Are you telling me someone else had "Magowan" and if so, you couldn't come up with something better like "TheMagowinator" or "MauiGowey" or "BaloneyBalls44"? C'mon man, underscores are unacceptable. THANKS FOR READING, DOE.
Hello Evan TVMWW, got a lil question for the ol' mailbaag here for you. Some background here is this: I live with my girlfriend and I am a millennial adult. I have a feeling this is a lot what marriage is like from reading your bolg a lot because I can see many similarities between yourself and myself even at my young, not married age. So anyway here is my question: Do you still watch the Real Housewives with the wife? Haven't seen many posts about it in a while. If you don't watch it, why is that (and how can I not be forced to watch it anymore like you)? Thanks and god bless. -- Doc Pizza aka @Dr_Pizza_MD
DOCTOR, you get it. You totally get it! This blorg is NOT only about television, it's more of a sociological experiment looking at the male-female dynamic through the lens of television. That being said, I totally figured out how to avoid The Real Housewives this season. I FIGURED IT OUT. Basically, my wife and I have been going bonkers on Netflix with Breaking Bad and Homeland in an attempt to catch up to the rest of the world and not have to plug up our ears when people at work are talking about stuff. So while we're spending every night on the couch wasting away watching old TV shows, at least we're not watching the shit show that is the RHONJ. So all you have to do is find a show that you're at least 17 seasons behind on and then pop that baby in. Shows I recommend are: Luther, the Brak Show and any Ken Burns special. Also, not watching RHONJ has definitely brought my blood pressure down considerably. And even though I haven't seen one episode this season, I still think I could guess what's happening: Teresa is mad at Melissa. Melissa is mad at Teresa. And the two Joes recently learned to eat with their feet.
Unfortunately, my wife has been watching two other shows in RHONJ's place: Devious Maids and Below Deck (which is essentially The Real World on a boat). I caught a few minutes of one episode of Below Deck and some lady got drunk and tried to sneak off the boat, but got caught by the ship's captain mere seconds after making it to land. The lady had huge tits and was sobbing like a two-year-old so it was basically the hottest thing I've seen on television this year. I highly approve of this show and now that I think about it cannot believe that I haven't watched Devious Maids yet. Devious + Maids = TOTAL HAWTNESS.
Evster's Note: This next email was from a guy named Frat, my next-door neighbor growing up and an actual doctor, responding to when I wrote about having Pericarditis a few weeks ago (a virus that causes inflammation around the sac of one's heart).
Dude. Get over yourself. Advil. It'll cure that "heart attack" right up. -- Frat
Thanks, Doctor Dolittle. I'll have you know that only ten days after being diagnosed and treated for Pericarditis, I was back in the hospital after a massive amount of fluid built up around my heart and had to be drained out with a needle. At one point during my SIX DAY STAY in the hosp, I watched as a doctor jammed a syringe into my chest and drained 400ml of bloody fluid from my heart, and then dumped it into a BUCKET right in front of me.
JUST THE FOUR HUNDRED MILLILITERS, FRAT.
JUST THE FOUR HUNNY.
So thanks for the Advil advice, Doctor Dickpants. Also I saw your mother the other day and she gave me a bunch of tomatoes from her garden and they were delicious. I also have a bacteria infection that I got in the hospital and have to be on an IV for the next month. BUT THANKS FOR THE MEDICAL ADVICE, DOC. THE ADVIL WORKED GREAT.
 |
| Just my pack of syringes to shoot myself with antibiotics over the next month or so. |
Hey Ev, We've been trying to come up with a list of Top 5 worst feelings ever, but have only come up with: A) wet socks and B) sand in places it doesn't belong. We're too lazy/apathetic to put more thought into it but since you're not... And, we're looking for good, legit ones. Not just crap like "reading this blog." Also, "who caresss" is not an acceptable (or funny) response. -- Neens
What's a better square candy, Now & Laters, Bonkers or Starburst? Popeye's or KFC? Did Michael Douglas ruin cunnilingus for all of womankind? -- Yours Truly, Chevy from Chalfont
Pretty sure Now & Laters will break every incisor in your mouth. Not sure if I remember exactly what Bonkers are -- are they the ones where juice explodes in your mouth? -- if so, definitely them. Starburst are dope, except for those tropical flavors that totally suck butt. Popeye's dominates KFC all day every day. The biscuits are dynamite. Michael Duggs is a total idiot, but I appreciate the fact that he loves performing oral sex, which I've always felt is the true mark of a real man. Sorry about the whole cancer thing though, Mike. Take some Advil.
Did you know that your blahg stinks? More pictures of hot people with no clothes on. Less talking! Do you know what tl;dr means? How you you like your cheeseburgers cooked? -- Thad
Ugh, for those of you who feel like these are the ramblings of a mad man, you're right. "Thad" is actually Philly Phoodie, the writer of a very popular food blog, and a total space cadet. He's the first "online blog friend" of mine who I actually met in real life and there's not a day that goes by that I don't regret meeting him. That being said, he's got a really good food blog for people who are interested in having a quadruple bypass before the age of 40. And I like my cheeseburgs medium rare. Obvs.
First time long time here. Would really like to know your opinion on this whole Al Jazeera TV network getting a slot in America? Do we need more news channels, are we catering to the mid-eastern threat? What in the world is going on here? Figured I'd ask the guy who watches the most TV and has a blogspot about it. Thanks I'll take my answer on the webs! -- Page talks, from Phish
This email is so confusing. Page talks, from Phish? Are you in Phish? Or is Phish a place? Either way, I think this whole Al Jazeera American TV channel is fantastic, mostly because it should give us a better idea about what the hell goes on in a cricket match. Also, Indian chicks tend to be SMOKE DAWGS. Are the people of Al Jazeera TV Indian? No, they're Middle Eastern. Is that the same thing? What if they had an actual cricket host the news? I'd watch that shit every night. I mean, a cartoon cricket, obviously. With googly eyes. He could wear a little tie, too. And have a mustache?
 |
| I love these guys so much. |
What's your favorite college football team?!?!?! #AskTVMWW -- Matt Jay aka @matt_jurk
Yo Evster, is sitting through a power point presentache worse than having to create one? I am currently creating one and it is the worst waste of time that I have ever been through! Thanks. -- Keith in Collegeville, PA
I've never actually created a PP, but if I did, I think I'd just put up pictures of cows and frogs and then run out of the room when it was my time to speak. The worst PPPs are when people just write out whole paragraphs on the slide and then read right from the script. Good God, why are we spending so much time talking about PPPs? Let's talk about Collegeville, PA, instead.
There used to be a place in Collegeville called Harpoon Louie's and they claimed to be "The Home of the Oyster Pie." I never made it there before it closed, which was a colossal mistake on my part and one that I think about every day of my life. I've also found that chicks who go to Ursinus college are major, major guttersluts. Honestly, what is this blog supposed to be about, anyway? Thanks for reading, doe.
I've been reading your dumb blog for almost a year and still haven't seen one comment from "Dar". She's not real, right? That would be some 6th Sense isht right there. A CLEVER RUSE TO CREATE THE DUMBEST BLOG ON THIS HERE INTERNET. #askTVMWWWWW -- Kunk aka @Kunk7
My wife is very real and very spectacular, but she picks and chooses her time to comment very carefully. Basically, she'll only chime in when some lady writes some flirty response and she feels the need to mark her territory. Seeing as I haven't had any flirty comments in quite some time (WHERE ARE THE FLIRTY COMMENTS, LADIES?), she has been silent. That being said, she will seriously slice a bitch in the throat.
THANKS FOR READING AND WRITING IN, EVERYBODY.
LET'S DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME.
OR NOT.
EITHER ONE IS FINE.
PROBABLY LEANING TOWARDS NOT.
OR NOT.
EITHER ONE IS FINE.
PROBABLY LEANING TOWARDS NOT.
Do you wanna be featured in the next TVMWMWMMW mailborg post? I don't blame you if you don't, but if you DO, send in your questions/comments/barefoot pics to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com. I will publish and respond to any and all emails. Orrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out this lady surfing on a camel. That's what I'd do. I mean, it's much less time consuming. And also it's a camel.
↧
Miss Americaaaaaaaaa aagggggghhhhhhghgghghghgghghgh
 |
| Miss New York: Smoothest armpits in the biz. |
Congraggulagtions to some lady who got very excited when they called her name at the end. The Miss America pagej has now been won by a New Yorker in back-to-back years which is sort of interesting / not that interesting / kind of really interesting. This however is not the most impressive streak in the competish as the state of Idaho has entered a live buffalo in the pageant for 37 straight years.
If I had been paying attention during the contest I could tell you what kind of garb Miss America was wearing for the talent portion or where her heritage is from (India? That looks Indian, right?), but I am currently on a lot of prescription pain medication so I was kinda mesmerized by all of the shiny sparkles. I can also tell you that the new Miss America has VERY strong feet and I'd love for her to repeatedly kick me in the face, neck, chest and breast area.
Lady in Purple aka The Runner Up: "OMG I'm so happy for you jk I will seriously gut you jk this is so great jk I will seriously slice your abdomen off and feed it to a fish jk happy happy happppyyyyyyy!!!!! jk kill me!!!!!! happpyyyy thoughhhhhh!!!!! but stab me with an ice pick but happpyyyy!!!yyyy!!!!yyyy!!!!! deathhhh!!!!!yyyyyy!!!!! sadnessssssss!!!! and smilingggggggg!!!! it hurts so mucccchhhhhhhhappyyyyyyy!!!!"
↧
Watching Looney Tunes (From My Hospital Bed)
 |
| Offsides. |
Not to get all Alan Sepinwall on you, but I'm currently writing this blorgpost from my hospital room. Relax, I'm fine. After having Pericarditis a few weeks ago and needing some fluid drained from my heart (which I talked about in my Mailborg Post) I had to be readmitted to have some more fluid drained from my lungs. I'm fine, seriously. It's not a big deal. (JK I'm totally gonna die please help me.)
If you've never spent a night in the hospital, here's what goes on: They hook you up to a million machines that constantly bink and bonk and blurnk and bleenk and keep you up all night even though you're trying to recover from having ONE LITER OF AMBER-COLORED FLUID DRAINED FROM YOUR LUNGS. To distract you from the blonks and bleeps and excruciating pain, patients keep their televisions on ALL THE TIME. Since I've been here, my wife and I have watched everything from Champions League Soccer to a nature documentary on frogs while bonding over our intense hatred for all things Kathie Lee Gifford.
But today, ohhhhh baby, my wellness took a turn for the good after watching Looney Tunes -- specifically a hilarious sketch starring Sylvester the cat.
Evster's Note: I actually live-tweeted Sylvester's Looney Tunes episode earlier today. If you read it, that's great, I love you and thanks for not blocking me. If not, the following will be a slightly more detailed and probably less funny description of what went down.
 |
| This thing can suck a million butts. |
The cartoon started off with a drunk stork swerving and stumbling and struggling to find his way to deliver a baby mouse to its new parents. Tired of flying, the stork decided to drop off the mouse at a random doorstep where the baby was picked up by Sylvester's wife (who by the way I had no idea ever even existed). Mrs. Sylvester thought the baby mouse was adorbs, so she brought it in, cooed and swooned over it, and showed it to her husband. Sylvester then tried to eat the mouse.
Mrs. Sylvester scolded Sylvester and told him that they would love the baby mouse as if it was there own, then left to go run some errands. Now alone with the mouse, Sylvester went to change its diaper, but then had an idea, so he ran to the kitchen, grabbed some condiments and proceeded to sprinkle the baby mouse with salt and pepps before wrapping it up in a lettuce diaper. Sylvester then got two very large pieces of bread, put the mouse in between them and brought the little rodent to his mouth. But the mouse popped its little mouse head out of the mouse sandwich, looked directly at Sylvester and said the word, "Dad-dy," two simple syllables that wobble the knees of every first-time father. I smiled from my bed which produced a sharp, stabbing pain in my neck and then I screamed for my nurse to come and kill me immediately.
 |
| I love baby powder so much. |
Sylvester then decided to take the little guy for a walk, but only seconds after leaving the house, every goddamn cat in his neighborhood tried to eat the mouse, so Sylvester ran home and locked all his windows and doors. Roughly 37 cats surrounded their home, all trying to figure out a way to eat the mouse.
The most clever of the cats was a guy who dressed up as a door-to-door vacuum salesman and barged into the living room to give his pitch. The vacuum salesman (who was a cat, remember) sprinkled a bunch of shredded paper or wood chips or something all over the floor and into the baby's crib and then demonstrated how well his vacuum could slurp it all up. I turned my head for a second to cough up some phlegm and almost nailed my head on my IV pole so I'm not quite sure how Sylvester kept him from eating the mouse, but I'm pretty sure that he just blasted him against the wall or shoved the vacuum cleaner down his throat.
Another cat put on a Santa Claus outfit and attempted to lower himself down the chimney, but Sylvester quickly thrwarted that plan by attaching a helium-filled balloon to a stick of dynamite and letting it go up the fireplace, blowing up the Santa Cat.
At this point (almost the conclusion!), one of my doctors came in to talk about stuff, because if there's one thing doctors love to do at hospitals it's disturbing you when you're having fun. This particular doctor was a resident on my floor named Dr. Pelborg (Pelborg!) and every time he leaves the room after talking to me, my wife and I look at each other and say, "Pelborg!" It's gotten to the point where when Pelborg enters my room I can't help myself from muttering, out loud, "Pelborg," and quite frankly I think he's onto me. He also happens to be one of the very few people who has to power to discharge me which may explain why I'll probably be here until mid to late October.
But back to the cartoon!
At the end, the drunk stork realized his mistake and went back to Sylvester's house to return the mouse to his rightful owners. In order to do this, the drunk stork (by the way, how amazing is it that Looney Tunes had a drunk stork? There's no way they would have a drunk character on a kid's cartoon these days. Also how fucking annoying is Kathie Lee Gifford?) attached a piece of Swiss cheese to a fishing pole and lowered the bait down the chimney. Sylvester saw the cheese, thought it was another cat, so he stopped the mouse but was reeled in by the stork. The drunk stork (still drunk!) then delivered Sylvester to a couple of really cute mouse parents.
It ended with the mouse parents pushing Sylvester in a stroller (he was wearing a bonnet!) and one of mouse parents said to the other, "Nothing like this ever happened on my side of the family," and then the cartoon faded out and that was the end. I can safely say that it was by far the best eight minutes of television that I've seen in the last twenty years.
I can also say that if my heart monitor continues to beep and blorp throughout the night tonight, I will rip it off the wall and throw it out my 4th-story window.*
*Press my "Call Nurse" button and get no reply and then press it again and continue to get ignored and then get nervous that I'm pressing it too much and spend the rest of the night hiding under my blankets, cold and lonely and tired and sad.
 |
| They're wearing hats! |
My dying wish is to gain just a few more Twitter followers, so if you STILL HAVEN'T JOINED TWITTER I MEAN C'MON SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU JUST JOIN ALREADY AND FOLLOW ME AND FOLLOW PAT SAJACK AND YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE FOREVER. Or just watch those videos above. That's prolly more enjoyable anyway.
↧
↧
Emmys Fashion Review with @SaraCircle
 |
| Almost none of these women are talked about in this post. |
Hey all you hamburgers and cheeseburgers. After live-tweeting the Emmys Sunday night and only losing eight followers, I figured I'd keep this train rolling and ask TVMWW’s Hollywood Correspondent, Sara Circs (aka Bazooka Mom), to join me to talk about Emmys fashion.
So enough with all this jibber jabber, let's get to it!
Ready to make fun of people, Circs?
Circs: Nope!
Awesome.
Lady from Parks and Rec, Parks and Rec
The Evster: I like what this lady is doin here. Really goin' out on a limb with the whole fab goth thing, but then again I don’t know any fab goth chicks who carry a clutch, so maybe that’s not what she’s doing. I also don’t know if a “clutch” is the right word for what she’s carrying ... ugh, yes I do ... it’s obviously a clutch. Also, carrying a clutch around all night with you must be the worst. I mean, why not just make a dress with a little zip-up pouch like those old Kangaroos sneaks? That way women could carry around their essentials like lip gloss, a credit card and a vial of cocaine while also having their hands free to carry an even bigger bag of cocaine. Also, her tits are too small. Grade: B-
Circs: I was taken aback when I saw this because I was like, “Wow, she looks pretty hot, and I never thought of her as hot before, and this is kind of sophisticated, which also isn’t really how I think of her” and basically it was a She’s All That moment for me, except replace removing the pretty girl’s glasses with sitting on my couch eating beef jerky and weeping soft tears of loneliness. Anyway, even though her boobs aren’t that big and that is MASSIVELY OFFENSIVE TO ME, I think the dress fits her really well and is very very flattering and I actually think I like everything about it, so you can go fuck yourself, everybody. Sorry. Sorry. Everything’s cool. Grade: A- (could use a splash of color)
The Evster: Her necklace has a little splash of color.
Circs: Shut up.
Claire Dorngs, Homelambs
The Evster: Okay, I recognize that this is a nice dress. The frills, the lace, the airflow under her pits giving off a subtle hint of Tom’s of Maine. BUT C’MON CLAIRE. I know what you’re capable of. I’ve seen you get railroaded by Agent Brody. I’ve seen you milking cows in Temple Grandin. So I must ask: WHAT’S UP WITH THE DOUBLE MASTECT? Grade: F minus!
Circs: I see you decided to go with that double mastect joke, Evan, with no regard whatsoever for Angelina Jolie’s feelings.
The Evster: Yeah, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with the double mastect joke, but I did it, and it’s out there, so what can I do? (I mean, I could obviously delete it, but I’m not gonna.) I also sort of feel like Claire used to have bigger titties and got a double mastect just so she could wear this dress.
Circs: Just try not to take her lack of breast tissue as a personal affront. I’m 85% sure she did not have you in mind when she was going (halfway) through puberty. And no, she never had bigger titties. We can do a whole Claire Danes red carpet retrospective, if you like.
The Evster: Pretty sure I saw her titties in Agent Brody’s mouth.
Circs: Pretty sure this is why Jordan Catalano was embarrassed to be seen with her.
Anyway, this dress is definitely pretty and I love how she was basically telling everyone (but really mainly the Evster) that she doesn’t give a fuck that she has no boobs, ‘cause she has a hot (possibly gay) husband and a bunch of Emmys and a kajillion dollars and a pretty dress with sequins.
Oh, but I hate her hair and this color washes her out and Jordan Catalano used to go the same physical therapy gym as me--what a complete freak. Grade: B- (who am I kidding; get some tits Danes)
Sofia Vergaarrarrarrrrra, Modern Fams
The Evster: FINALLY WE ARE GETTING SOMEWHERE. Actually, you know what? I’m not gonna do it. I’m not gonna write about Sofia’s jingjongs because that’s just too easy. Instead, let’s talk about the lovely contrast of her emerald jewelry against the crimson of her dress OMG THIS IS SO BORING. Grade: Grade A Beef!
Circs: WE GET IT, SOFIA VERGARAREAREARWASA. Fishtail dress, hourglass figure, huge this, tiny that, when does everybody shut up so I can finally punch you in the mug? P.S. I hate your dumb show. Grade: Who cares, I just popped a vein in my forehead.
Xtina Hendricks, Mad Membs
The Evster: BREAK OUT THE BAZOOKAS, BAZOOKA MOM, ‘CUZ YOU AIN’T NEVER BLOWN UP A DRESS LIKE DAT. This lady is a LEGEND. A living, breathing, bazooka-bombing legend. Also, check out Wilford Brimley behind her -- JUST HAPPY TO BE THERE -- completely ignoring the fact that the woman in front of him is about to blow up the red carp. And then there’s the other guy on the left drinking a diet orange soda? Love it! Grade: BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!
Circs: Evster, just when we think you’re going to be predictable, you say exactly what we expect you to say.
I honestly don’t even know what, if anything, Christina is wearing right here. Of course it doesn’t matter. Do you think when she gets dressed for the Emmys she’s like, “Please hand me that drape, because let’s be honest, not even I can think about or pay attention to anything besides--look, do I still have to even talk about this?”
Or maybe she goes to Christian Siriano and picks out something nice that flatters her shape. Grade: ??? Eleven.
Lena Dunns, Girls
The Evster: Poor Lena Dunns. It doesn’t matter what she wears, people are gonna pick her apart. I mean, that’s a pretty nice dress, too. I’d prefer ladybugs over flowers, but that’s cool, I like the colors. And the eyeliner, I mean, it’s dumb and it’s way too much, but it’s fine, it’s perfectly fine. It really is amazing how many dickheads walk around these award shows with headsets on. There is literally nothing stupider in this world than wearing a headset. By the way, as I am typing this in my cubicle, I am currently wearing thirteen headsets. I could definitely see Lena Dunns having a severe mental breakdown at a very young age. How cute are ladybugs though? Excuse me for a sec I'm getting like nine phone calls. Grade: B-
Circs: I actually love this, love the color, love the eyes, love the look on her face, and am absolutely batshit NUTS about the fact that there are no ladybugs on her dress. I saw this in the audience from sort of a distance at one point and found this green-with-red-speckles blob pleasing to the eye before I even knew what it was. And by the way, I am not referring to Lena herself as a blob and genuinely think she looks great here. The dress just looked like a blob in the audience against all the boring black. NICE BLOB, LENA!! Grade: A
Jon Hamm, My Wife's Favourite Person in the History of the World
The Evster: Awesome beard. Wife is probably a very, very, very nice and understanding human being. Grade: A
Circs: My feelings about Mr. Hamm are complicated. I both loathe and am attracted to his character of Don Draper more than I am to Hamm the actual mann. I mean, I love facial hair, but look at what a doof he is. Or not? I dunno, he’s all up in my precious comedy world and I’m not sure how I feel about it but it’s fine, whatever, I feel like I’m taking this question entirely too seriously all of a sudden when I should just be writing about getting smoldered by his hairy face. Ugh, he’s fine. His white/off-white coat looks dumb to me but I know absolutely nothing about men’s fashion.
As for his wife, Kissing Jessica Stein remains an awesome movie that I will watch absolutely any time it airs on Starz. Grade: Are beards uncomf? They look uncomf.
The Evster: Meh, not really, but they can be during the summer. Or if they get caught in your headset(s).
Circs: Hey Evster, quick questch: Do you realize that all of these people so far have been white? Should we have a non white person in here somewhere?
The Evster: Were there any black people there last night?
Circs: Kerry Washington.
The Evster: Is she a quarterback?
Circs: Let's just move on.
Heidi Klum, International Television Superstar
The Evster: This dress is obviously retarded (and yet sort of amazing). The fact that it chokes Heidi out around her neck is super hot. Little known fact: European chicks who like to be choked out are WAY WAY WAY hotter than your average American prude. So bravo, Heidi Klum, bravo. Or should I say, “Bråüvenblürg.” Grade: A
Circs: More like Project Stunw oh who cares. Grade: C
Blossom, Blossom
The Evster: Well it looks like the Maid of Honor is finally here! lol lol omg lol jk jk omg No but seriously is she on her way to Stacey’s wedding? lol lol WHERE ARE YOUR FLOWERS, BRIDESMAID? lol lol omg Hey Blossom, what table are you sitting at? 'Cuz we’re at Table14! lol lol omg jk HEY PASS THE BREAD AND BUTTER WOULD YA I'M STARVING jk jk lol omg jk ok I’m stopping. Grade: F
Circs: I had an aunt who died while dressed as a bridesmaid and watching Blossom, so this isn’t that funny to me. Grade: F
Sally Drapes, Mad Membs
The Evster: Geez Louize, this entire time we’ve been writing this, Circs keeps emailing me on the side, saying, “Put in Sally Drapes! Put in Sally Drapes!” so here ya go, Circs, here’s your precious photo of Sally Drapes. She looks nice, with her little flower pasties pasted on her little flower dress. Although she kinda looks like a basket on the front of Mary Poppins’s bicycle. Did Mary Popps even ride a bicycle? If she did, it was probably a stupid one. Sorry, no idea why I got so angry all of a sudds, I actually really like bicycles and think that Mary Popps was supes hot. I just wanna see more titties. Grade: No
Circs: Upon first glance, I thought this was wack as wack can be. But then I sat back, studied it for a few hours, and realized it’s a goddamned work of art. I don’t feel like getting into all of the stuff about how it’s age-appropes, even though it is, because that’s boring. There shouldn’t be a question about it being age-appropes. If you’re underaged, be appropes, guys. It’s that simple. Grade: A+
Anna Gunnnnnnn, Breaking Bads
The Evster: Man, did you read Anna Gunn’s op-ed in the NYT about the amount of hate that she -- both as a person and also Skyler the character -- gets from being on Breaking Bad? It was very well done and definitely worth reading and makes her even more attractive than she is on the show. (I like to watch her have sex!) But still, her titties could use a little work. Grade: C
Circs: I read the op-ed. It was sorta interesting. Grade: C
The Evster: Yeah, it wasn't that interesting.
This Lady, Lifetime Achievement Award Winner!
The Evster: Grade: A+++++++++++++++
Circs: I think that by blinding this chick with a flash, the photographer actually saved Zooey Deschanel from being assassinated. Grade: FFFFFFFFFFFFF
If you wanna follow Sara Circs on Twitty Twitty Twang Twang, you can do so @SaraCircle. You can also follow me @TVMWW. Or you could just look at this horse. That's what I'd do. He's a nice horse.
Also, here's last year's Emmy post for all you TRUE hustlas out there.
↧
Elvin from The Cosby Show is Straight Killin' It on Dancing With The Stars
 |
| Kinda figured Elvin would have a little bit of chest hair. |
In the three years since I started this blog, I have been lucky enough to cover a few absolutely incredible television moments:
- A guy on the Bach with a freshly tattooed forearm sang an acapella love song to a woman he barely knew on top of a mountain.
- On Virgin Diaries, two disgusting virgins repeatedly jammed their tongues down each other's throats with seemingly no ability to understand that the television cameras in front of them were going to broadcast this to a national audience.
- Joe Gorga ate spaghetti with a fork.
And now, Elvin from The Cosby Show -- a whopping 21 years after his last television appearance -- is absolutely dominating Dancing With The Stars.
I don't know why I'm so surprised. I mean, Elvin is black (barely) and dancing was always a huge part of The Cosby Show intros, but I guess I just never expected him to return to television period, let alone do so in such a dramatic fashion. Part of his success could be due to the fact that he's paired with total smokebomb, Karina Smirnoff (who I wrote about in 2011 and who could make anyone look good), but that's unfair. The dude is just a really good dancer. And I'm really happy to see him back on TV (and without that total nag Sondra bringing him down).
I was also super happy to see Captain Dickpants, Keyshawn Johnson, get voted off last night, because that guy suckkkkkkkkssssssssssss.
 |
| I HOPE YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER, ELVIN! YOU DESERVE IT! |
↧
Breaking Bad Finale: Discussing the Issues That No One Else is Talking About
 |
| Not a cloud in the sky! |
Well, it was no Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, but the Breaking Bad finale was still epic. There was emotion, suspense, a Princess Leia / Jabba-the-Hut-esque choke-out scene, a Skinny Pete sighting, NICE CINEMATOGRAPHY, a lady wearing those fancy high heeled shoes with the red soles, THE RETURN OF THOSE PANCAKES. Over the next few days, anyone and everyone will give their opinions about the show: some will laud it, others will google the word "laud" to see if I used it correctly, but no one will put the show in the same category as Hangin' With Mr. Coops. Seriously, best show ever?! A former NBA player-turned-substitute-teacher who had to live with TWO female roommates?! ZOINKS ALERT! Plus he had to sleep on the couch in the den! HELLOOOOOO BACK PROBLEMS LOL OMG LOL LOL HE'S TOO TALL TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME okay sorry I'm stopping, I'm stopping.
But after reading a bunch of Breaking Bad recaps yesterday morning, I noticed that there are still a bunch of issues that no one is talking about. I'm not sure why, considering there have been no fewer than four billion recaps written about this show (why do I have a TV blog, again?), but for some reason many critics have chosen to ignore a few obvious plot holes from the final episode.
Folks
That's
Why
You
Come
To
TV
My
Worf
Waptchesz
Dot
Blogspots
Dots
Coms.
For hard hitting journalism! To dive deep into the important issues and tackle the questions that no one, and I mean no one, is talk-- oh who cares let's just get to it.
 |
| These mofos got some seriously white teeth. |
Jesse Pinkman May Be Alive, But He Needs Some Serious, Serious Help
It's great that Walt got Jesse got outta there, free from the Nazis, away from that dungeon and on his way to start a new Third Eye Blind semi-charmed-kinda-life, baby, babyyyyy ... but let's not forget ... DUDE HAS SPENT THE LAST YEAR IN A CAGE.
He is severely, severely, SEVERELY damaged.
I don't know if you've ever spent any time in a cage (I haven't, but my wife has. KIDDING, honey!), but I once had a pet gerbil for like three months and little Hector got SO MANY butt diseases. Also, let's not forget, everyone Jesse's ever known and loved is dead, with some of them getting killed right in front of him. He has no family, no friends and NO MONEY. That's the worst part, the no money thing. I think I'd be all right in this world without friends and family (I have over 700 Twitter followers!), but no money? IMPOSSIBLE. The guy might be happy to be alive, but the Jesse Pinkman we know and love is dead.
When I was in college, I was friends with this dude named Fishnips who was a really good guy. Very funny, very smart, liked by everyone. But one day at a BBQ, someone pants'd Fishnips (and when I say "pants'd", I mean TOTALLY pants'd, like boxer shorts came down and everything) leaving him fully exposed in front of an entire sorority. To this day, thanks to the embarrassment, Fishnips has been unable to hold down a relationship (or a job) and currently lives with his aunt in a one-bedroom apartment outside of Shippensburg, Pennsylvania. It's sad and it's unfortunate, and it should also be mentioned that I may or may not have been the person responsible for pants'ing Fishnips, an act that I totally don't regret, because it was seriously hilarious to see his little dork out there flapping in the breeze.
So Jesse has some major work to do. You may be excited that he's got a car and his freedom and a new lease on life but OMG this dude needs THERAPY and prescription medication and to be interviewed by Barbara Walters. Actually, that'd be a pretty good way to make some easy money. Then he could write a book and possibly get a movie deal and then get the meth lab back up and cookin! Maybe dude will be all right, after all. That's nice for him. Although I kinda feel like he probably crashed his car only moments after busting out of the Nazi's gate.
 |
| Two wheels are missing! |
The Two Annoying Rich People Who Used to Work with Walt Just Had to be Jewish, Didn't They?
It was nice that Vince Gilligan killed off the ultimate bad guy Nazis, but did he really have to name the annoying, super-rich folks who used to work with Walt, Elliot and Gretchen SCHWARTZ? I mean, c'mon, Gilligan, c'monnnnnnnn. It was one thing to have Saul Goodman be a wacky, nebbishy, nervous lawyer, but at least he was likable. The Schwartz's remind me of the Griswold's next-door neighbors in Christmas Vacation. "And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?""I don't knowww, Margo." Ugh, we just cannot catch a break. If I were Steven Speilberg or Harvey Weinstein or any other high powered Hollywood exec, I would ban Gilligan from ever working in that town again. I would also own so many pairs of gold socks.
I Can't Be the Only Person Who Wanted to See Todd Bone Lydia
Everyone knows that sociopaths make great lovers (Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Woody Allen in Bananas, Dunston in Dunston Checks In), so why not add one little scene of Todd giving the business to Lydia? Lord knows she needs it, that lady is HIGH STRUNG, and you know she had to be at least a little flattered by Todd's advances. One thing I've learned about women -- and I know, I know, they don't like when you turn to look at their butts when you pass them on the street -- is that they secretly LOVE to know that guys want to have sex with them. It's like one of their main goals in life: How many guys can I get to want to have sex with me? And yeah, I know, I KNOW, Todd's a cold-blooded murderer and who has no feelings whatsoever and is a complete and total whackazoid, but that has to be kinda hot, right ladies?! Are you telling me that if you were to do it all over again, you wouldn't want to have had sex with at least one complete whackazoid during your 20's? Be honest ladies, this isn't Facebook. You can be honest here. You don't have to click "like" just because your friend Rachel went apple picking with her ugly children this weekend. This is a place for HONESTY. This is a SAFE ZONE. Regardless, I think Vince Gilly really dropped the ball here. Coulda had some really nice high-angle Breaking Bad camera shots of Todd's tight, pale hairless butt. You know I'm right. You know I'm right.
In One Stupid Episode, Vince Gilligan Managed to Make Everyone Forget that Walter White is a Total Butt Farmer
Here's the thing: going into last night's episode, most of us wanted to see Walter White ROT IN HIS OWN FILTH. Throughout the show's run, Walt has proven to be one of the biggest dickwads in television history (apologies to Mario Lopez). Even a jerk like Don Drapes has the ability to pull at your heart strings, because he's lovable and sad and lonely and damaged and really, really good looking. But Walter White was just a prick, one of those people who's too smart for his own good and looks down on everyone else in the world for not being as gifted as he is. The only times we ever pulled for him was when he was doing Heisenberg stuff: blowing people's faces off, outsmarting his enemies and making Mr. Wizard-like moves to get outta tight jams. And yet somehow, Vince Gilligan was able to make us forget about all of Walt's negative qualities and spend the last hour and fifteen minutes praying for him to come out on top. Err, not on top, but not on bottom. You know what I mean. To go out on his own terms. To deliver some money to his family. To kill all the baddies. To not die like the pathetic, selfish, butthead that he really was.
That's the thing with these newfangled characters on TV. They're too complex. The protagonists are too well-written, too flawed, too unpredictable. I'm not sure what I think of Walter White. I hate him one second. And then sort of like him / love him / wanna hug him in his tightie whities the next. I miss the old days when television was stupid. I miss watching a show for a meaningless half hour without having to go and read a 5,000-word recap in order to understand it the next day. I miss Hangin' With Mr. Cooper. I miss Holly Robinson Peete and her soft, caramel, buttermilk biscuit skin. I've honestly never even seen that show. I bet it was so dumb. I think I'd love it.
Fuck you, Breaking Bad.
Television was better when it was stupid.
Duck Dynasty is my jam.
I have no idea why I always italicize show titles. Is that even what you're supposed to do? Who cares.
DID YOU KNOW that I write a sports column for The 700 Level every Friday? It's true, and you can find links to all of my columns right here. I also write an Eagles recap with Zoo With Roy every week, too. You can read our most recent Eagles-Broncos jawn here. You can also find pictures of women in a milk bath by simply Googling "women in a milk bath". Look.
↧