HOLY FUCKING SHIT the Bach starts this Monday!
And of course, the good people at ABC, ESPN and Disney decided to air the premiere at the exact same time as the Florida State - Auburn BCS Championship game. Part of me is like, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?" and the other part of me is like, "IT'S MOMENTS LIKE THESE WHY I STARTED THIS BLOG IN THE FIRST PLACE," then the last part of me is like, "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THAT ALL-CAPS THING, DUDE? IT'S FRIGGIN' EXHAUSTING," and to that I say, "I know, and I'm sorry."
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.
Let's meet da ladiezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
AlexisOne of Alexis's top 3 all-time favorite movies is
Titanic, that's enough to get her kicked off right there. But look closer, look a little bit closer, another one of her favorite movies is
Home Alone 2. Not the first one, but the sequel. Not the one that you actually remember, but the one that no human being gives a shit about. What the hell even happens in the second one?!? I mean, I know what happens, essentially the same thing that happened in the first, but what is this lady trying to prove? Ugh, I can't stand her. Nice upper tit tho.
Verdict: Alexis will be sweet, Juan Pabs will be enamored, but he'll eventually dump her because of the whole Bible thing. Ain't nobody got time for that!
AlliI once dated a nanny (who was also raised Catholic) and let me tell you, she was out of her fucking mind. Nice lady, decent taste in movies, but a complete and total lunatic.
One time when we were dating (and I use the term "dating" loosely ifyaknowwhatimean) my uncle died so I had to go home for the funeral. It was kind of a big deal, and I didn't really feel like dealing with shit, so I didn't call this girl back for a few days. Actually, now that I think about it, I might have called her back -- but that doesn't matter, that doesn't fucking matter -- what matters is that when I got back to my apartment around a week later, she had MAILED all of my shit back to me. Like, actually wrapped a package, took it to the post office and mailed it. We're talkin' my season 1 of
The Office DVD, a stupid shirt I left at her place, a snapfish book I made for her that had a bunch of really cool high angle d shots. I was never able to patch things back up with her, but I did still continue to buy weed from her next-door neighbor.
Verdict: Let's be honest, this lady looks crazy. She'll be gone week 1.
Amy JBOOM. This lady is easily my favorite (so far). Amy J is 31 years old, which means she knows how to jam dildos in her pussy, plus she's a massage therapist so you know she doesn't jam those dilds lightly. Favorite actress (Kate Winz) is a legitimately good actress, and she loves the Beatles, Bob Dyls and the Clippers?! This woman might be my goddamn soul mate. Obviously her titties could be bigger, but couldn't they all?
Verdict: She and Juan Pabs will have a connection strictly because they're both in their 30s, but he'll eventually dump her because he's an idiot.
Amy LLotta red flags here: this Amy is from Florida, she's a local news reporter, and her favorite TV shows are fucking retarded. Then again, she'd probably look fantastic with her legs pressed against her throat.
Verdict: Legitimate Fantasy Suite candidate.
Andi
I'm a little weary of a woman who loves her family so much, but it's probably cool to have a partner who you can play tennis with. My wife and I played tennis together once, and she totally used both a two-handed backhand AND forehand. She also launched at least 13 tennis balls over the fence.
Verdict: Andi's gonna be too goddamn serious and incredibly aggravating (she's a lawyer, so she's either very argumentative or Jewish). God, this post is getting VERY misogynistic. I apologize.
Ashley
Jesus Christ how are there this many women whose names start with an A? This is going to be a long fucking post. By the by, now that I've already cracked the ice by talking about chicks jamming dilds into their pussies, expect a LOT more cursing from here on out.
Love that Ashley likes Moonrise Kingdom and the Breakfast Club, but I have no idea what's goin' on with that shirt she's wearing. Is that a built-in tie? And how the hell did she leave her teaching job to come on this show? I hope her kids burn that school to the ground.
Verdict: If she is wearing that burnt orange shirt because she went to the University of Texas, then she should be banned from this show forever.
Cassandra
HELLO THERE CASSANDRA. Former NBA Dancer, 21 years old, FIVE FEET TEN INCHES TALL -- guaranteed to be the most annoying girl in the house. Also a total lock to end up in the final four.
Verdict: FINAL FO.
Chantel
Holy shit an actual black lady! Not one of those imitation black ladies they've had in the past. Not quite sure why Chantal's doing the Fat Joe Lean Back, but I'm very excited to see her blow Juan Pablo's mind with her ability to grind her butt into a wall. I don't know what the hell an Account Manager is, and putting The Notebook in your top 3 all-time movies is a LEVEL 9 CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS ALERT, but she's not a white person, so that's cool with me.
Verdict: Juanny will keep her around for 3 or 4 weeks just to prove he isn't a total flaming racist.
Chelsie
Chelsie shoulda gone with one more button unbuttoned, Lisa Vanderpump-style, then maybe she and Juan Pabs coulda had something. Also, her favorite snacks are just stupid. Frozen grapes? That's not even a thing. Lotta hair to pull though, so that's a plus.
Verdict: J.K. Rowling is a dork.
Christine
This girl's got no shot.
Christy
DOESN'T MATTER. Nothing in her profile matters. Christy is guaranteed to make it to the last few eps. This could be Juan Pablo's wife, people!
Also, weren't Wayne and Garth from Aurora, Illinois? I LOVE THIS LADY.
Verdict: Does anyone know how to sign up for Snapchat?!
Clare
Clare or Claire? What do you guys think? I prefer Claire. I also prefer women whose favorite snack is something more exciting than FRUIT.
OMG GET OVER YOURSELF.
Verdict: Nope!
Danielle
A psychiatric nurse. Hmmmm, that's interesting, especially because she's going to be living in a house full of lunatics. Even though she's got kind of a weird face (I hate saying that, I really do, but you can't deny it), I hope she sticks around because I'd love to see her put one of the other chicks in a straight jacket. Like, they could be yelling at each other, and the other girl could be going all bonkers, and then WAMMO, Danielle could grab the other girl's wrists and buckle her up to the neck. Then Juan Pabs could have straight jacket sex with her.
Verdict: Is her stomach really sweaty or do I need to clean my computer monitor?
Elise
Forty Fort, PA??? That can't be a real place.
Okay, I just looked it up and apparently it's an actual town that's located near Wilkes-Barre (which is essentially the shittiest town in the entire country). I get why someone might grow up there (because his/her parents were in the shit business), but how could you as an adult choose to stick around? Also, this lady is 27 years old and was in a relationship for 8 years? That means by my calculations she started dating the other dude when she was 12. Ugh, at least she likes seafood?
Verdict: I like seafood too!
Quick seafood tangent: My wife and I watched around 15 episodes of Top Chef this week and are now all caught up and HOLY SHIT is Padma bringing it this season or WHAT? I'm not normally a fan of women under 200 pounds, but I gotta give credit where credit is due! RIP Salman Rushdie!
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Kat
Besides Top Chef, my wife and I have been recently watching a ton of Katt Williams stand-ups and he is now by far my favorite comedian. If you haven't seen his stuff, I implore you to watch him. He's so short and has incredible hair.
This Kat claims that one of her favorite magazines is Self so she should definitely be murdered immediately.
Verdict: She might win.
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Kelly
Okay, okay, okay, I know I'm supposed to make fun of the whole Dog Lover thing, but I honestly think that's fantastic. Like, Kelly sat down with the producers and they were like, "So Kelly, what do you do?" and she was all, "I love dogs," and they were like, "Well yeah, but what do you do? Like for a living?" and she was all, "That's a really good question, a really good question, because I just love dogs and love the way they move and cuddle and eat food and stuff," and the producers were like, "You're retarded, right?" and she was like, "Do you smell bacon? I smell bacon."
Also this chick is totes anorexic, right?
Verdict: People who get super duper excited for Christmas are honestly so weird.
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Kylie
TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD MY ASSHOLE. Also what the fuck is the Jumanji board game? God I hope this lady is around for awhile.
Verdict: Kylie put down that she was 5' 8.5" as opposed to just 5' 8" or 5' 9". That's the all-time worst thing that any human being has ever done on this stupid dogshit television program.
Lacy
Lacy Underalls is very, very intriguing. A nursing home owner? How does one own a nursing home at such a young age? I own socks, that's about it. And around 9 folding chairs. I'm honestly the most fucking popular dude ever if anyone's having a huge dinner party. I feel like this lady has had sex with a lot of black guys. Do you get the same feeling? I'm not sure why, it's just a hunch. Antelope Acres sounds like an incredible place.
Verdict: She's my current #2, after the dild lady.
Lauren H
WHOA. Now this is a real woman. The way she puts her hand on her hip tells you that she knows how to open a can of baked beans. Unfortunately, her three favorite musical groups are pretty much the same bands, just at totally different levels, kinda like how Banana Repubs, The Gap and Old Naves are all owned by the same company. In this case, The Beatles are Banana Repubs, Coldplay is the Gap and Dave Matthews is lame as shit.
Verdict: I'm sorry, Dave Matthews is unacceptable.
Lauren S
I DON'T HATE HER. Music composer, not sure entirely what that means, but that's pretty cool. Shows she's got culture (even if she hasn't had a cheeseburger since 20 ought 6). Plus, her all-time favorite movies are okay. I mean, they're not the best, but they're fine. Although what the fuck, I just realized we haven't seen one curvy chick. I am now really really angry.
Verdict: I need a glass of water, excuse me.
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Lucy
I can see tons of chicks out there reading Lucy's profile and seeing that she's a "Free Spirit" and getting really fucking mad. Like this is the worst fucking thing that a person could ever do. But I love it. Good for you, Lucy. Good for you. I know what you're saying. You're saying that you live in LA, you crash on your friends' couch and you occasionally convince disgusting hairy men to buy you groceries. I'm cool with that, totally cool with that. I imagine you have a tattoo of a fucking dinosaur. I wish you all the best. I will also buy groceries for you whenever you want. Your hair could use a little more shape though. I mean that's just fuckin' #realtalk right there.
Verdict: That is the most wrinkle-free shirt I have ever seen in my whole goddamn life.
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Maggie
All right this woman clearly sucks so let's take a little detour, shall we? As this very moment, while I'm typing this, my wife is doing her Zumba DVDs in our living room. I'm in the dining room, sitting at the table (with a pillow behind my back because these chairs are hard as shit and I totes have scoliosis) and occasionally out of the corner of my eye I keep seeing my wife scurrying across the floor like a crab. I'm not sure, but I think she just did some sort of jackknife. Okay, I just looked up and we totally made eye contact. She knows I'm writing about her. I'm going to be in trouble.
Also the Brazilian Zumba instructor on the DVD, Beto, is wearing jeans, a vest (with no shirt on underneath) and a fedora. He is a real person.
Verdict: Wife just asked if I'm writing about her and I said "no".
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Nikki
Another lady who loves The Notebook? Did Juan Pabs tell the producers that he loves that movie or something? Has anyone ever seen that movie? I mean, I obviously haven't, but I'm guessing it's terrible. Oh who am I kidding, I'd probably love it.
Regardless, except for Nikki's horrible taste in movies, she seems pretty cool. She likes to get drunk and dance, and she's a NURSE. That can be very handy is many, many ways. You see, when you're in a committed relationship with someone, you sometimes have to do some really disgusting stuff for them.
LIKE FOR EXAMPLE, I once had some sort of hemorrhoid (and obviously you know where this is going), but instead of getting into full-throttle crab position in front of a full-length mirror, my wife volunteered to just check it out. She's the daughter of two doctors, so she's not really grossed out by doctor and nurse-type shit, in fact she's actually kinda into it. Whenever I need stitches removed, or a wound tended to, she's all about it. Also we haven't had sex in around 8 months.
Verdict: This chick is not pretty enough to win.
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Renee
I was once talking to an older woman (like, a real, older woman, like a person with a job and kids and stuff) and she told me that Martha's Vineyard was her "soul space". Since then I have tried to commit suicide at least 11 times.
Verdict: NOPE, THANK YOU.
Sharleen
HOLY SHIT. Sharleen and my wife have a bunch of things in common. My wife's favorite movie is The Royal Tenenbaums, she was watching Match Point earlier this morning and Haruki Murakami is one of her favorite authors. Also, this lady is an opera singer from Canada? MY WIFE DOES FUNDRAISING.
Love Sharleen. No tattoos. 29 years old, about to enter her sexual peak. THIS IS YOUR JAWN, JUAN PABS. THIS IS YOUR JAWN.
Verdict: We have a new #1, people! Also, nice low-cut deep V and round, milk-filled titties!
And very aggressive double-hand-on-hips!
DON'T STOP, GET IT GET IT,
SHARLEEN.
Valerie
A goddamn personal trainer.
Verdict: Pretty sure she's wearing a sports bra!
Victoria
If Victoria wears this outfit on a one-on-one date with Juan Pabs, I guarantee he jams a snorkel between her titties.
Verdict: THIS SHIT GETS POPPIN' ON MONDAY NIGHT, PEOPLE!!!
LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The Bach debuts this Mondee night at 8pm on ABC (although secretly there's some sort of preview thingie airing on Sundee). Make sure to check in at TV MY WARF WAPTCHES DOT COM (no more blogspot!) every Tuesday morning for Bachelor recaps, although most likely I won't actually post them til Thursday / the following Winter. You can also check out how Juan Pabs spent his last months of freedom before filming the show. Also my wife is currently jumping around in the living room like a frog. Like, actually jumping. A vase almost just fell off of this table.
